This topic was suggested to me by my bossy people and I struggled a little with how to start it, but I think I have a handle on it now. It’s going to be pretty long since I’m covering a bunch of subjects, so I’ll be breaking it up into two posts.
I’m someone who needs spanking for discipline, but it can also be a turn on and that confuses people. There are a lot of views on this and I’m just going from my own experience, which is pretty wide and varied. but may not match yours. The confusion comes on multiple levels from many directions and I’m going to try to clear up as many as I can.
Let’s start with why people are okay with sexy spanking, but discipline upsets them.
Most people have no problem with someone getting a few slaps on the ass during sex as foreplay.
A sexy seductress in thigh-high stockings, stilettos and a short skirt sprawls across his lap while the gentleman slaps his hand down five or six times. The camera pans in on a close-up and you can see a dazed look of pleasure on her face as she moans and spreads her legs… that’s hot, because she is clearly enjoying it but when you start talking about hard, unenjoyable spankings people get sketchy about the whole business.
Try the scene again.
The woman stops in the doorway looking nervous and scared. She’s holding an old-fashioned hairbrush in her hands and looking like she’s going to cry. He beckons for her to come in and without being told she hands him the hairbrush. She lowers her jeans and panties and goes over his knee and a second later he begins to spank. Hard, solid whacks with the back of the brush that immediately have her kicking her legs and pleading. Camera pans in and we see a look of complete misery on her face. Her eyes are filled with tears and her nose is dripping. She’s pleading for him to stop, but he doesn’t.
To people who don’t need or want external discipline all they can see is abuse in that second scene. This woman couldn’t possible have wanted this because look how upset she is, and if she agreed to it then he coerced her because no one would let someone spank them so hard if they had a choice. They can’t understand why anyone would want to be hurt, especially by someone they love.
Masochism and enjoying the pain they can sort of, tentatively, understand. There’s a lot of judgment about it, but in the end most figure it’s okay if it’s for sex. If you are aroused, then it’s okay. If you’re crying, then it’s not okay. Discipline— not meant to be enjoyed— spankings throw them because they can’t conceive of any situation where they would want that themselves.
It makes sense, right? If you got spanked as a kid all you wanted was for it to stop and you probably were glad when you got old enough that you didn’t get spanked anymore. The best part of growing up was not having to follow dumb rules, and not getting punished when you didn’t. That door is slammed shut forever, thank goodness! So… what’s going on over there that this chick wants to be punished? Nope, they can’t wrap their head around it.
The thing is, most of us who need this don’t know why we need it either. It’s just something inside of us that yearns for someone else to take charge, to lay down rules, to make us behave. And frankly we all know that rules without consequences are just suggestions or advice. How often do you follow the advice people give you? Not often I bet.
I don’t want someone to spank me so hard I cry, or so hard that sitting is uncomfortable afterwards—but I need it. I spent a good portion of my life not wanting to need it because I felt like I was a freak, but along the way I realized we’re all freaks in our own special way. No one is normal, everyone feels like a weirdo. So, this is my thing and I’m okay with it on most days because it doesn’t hurt anyone but me.
And there is a big difference between hurt and harm. A real spanking hurts, and it might make you cry, but emotionally there should be a feeling of relief—a catharsis. There’s no lasting harm there, and if you’re someone that thrives on discipline there can be a lot of good. I exist within a framework of rules that keep me safe and calm and help me to feel loved. The consequences of breaking those rules is punishment. I don’t enjoy it when it happens, but it curbs certain behaviors while reinforcing the fact that I’m being taken care of. These are not small or insignificant things.
Harm is something else. Harm is demoralizing someone. Harm is destroying their self-esteem. Harm is leaving lasting scars (either emotional or physical) that they haven’t agreed to. Hurt is temporary but harm is forever, and you have to be able to separate the two. We do this by looking at consent.
Consent in these relationships is extremely important and so are limits. Women who fantasize about rape, don’t want to be raped. They want the fantasy and may consent to act it out with someone they trust within rules and limits. I don’t want some stranger to grab and hit me, that would be assault! But nonconsensual punishment does figure in my fantasies and when there is a dominant person I trust to look out for me and they feel I need to be punished that’s a whole different thing, because there is safety and there is consent between us. That trust shouldn’t be lightly given because it’s everything to a submissive.
In the end there are going to be people who simply can’t understand punishment. Some people who were abused especially seem to have trouble with seeing someone willingly submitting themselves for pain. My advice, if you explain it to them and they just don’t get it… let it go. In some ways it can be one of those things you either get on your deepest levels or you just don’t.
Next: Part two- If spanking turns you on can it actually be punishment? And how do you do it?