- This post is the fourth of a series. If you haven’t already read the others you should start here:
- Part 2
- Part 2.5 (story)
- Part 3
After a series of fairly long and intensive posts about managing a D/s relationship from a distance I imagine you’ll be pleased with a short one just to wrap things up.
You’ve learned about the important stuff to keep your relationship moving smoothly. We’ve discussed how to manage punishments and rewards from a distance too and there was probably a lot there to take in.
I think it’s really important for people to have a resource that doesn’t focus on sexual D/s only. One that doesn’t assume every D/s relationship is a romantic one, because I know how frustrating it is to comb the web looking for help and not find anything that even remotely matches your situation.
Up until fairly recently that was the situation for littles and people into ageplay too. There’s been a real boom for them ever since the Daddy/lg thing became so popular, but still most of the articles and posts available focus on sexual aspects and that doesn’t fit everyone. There are also many people with Daddy type Doms where sex isn’t the main focus, sometimes it’s not even in the picture and I feel like some balance is needed.
My novels are romance and they tend to feature male Doms and female submissives, at least as the main characters, but here on the blog I try to be inclusive of everyone and all the various dynamics that exist, because I know how important it is to know you’re not alone—that you’re not a weirdo because of the things you’re into.
As long as you are consenting adults using a reasonable amount of safety precautions in your activities no one should ever have to feel ashamed about their kink. (Unless you have a shame kink—in which case, go ahead and enjoy.)
What I’d like to leave you with is a few warnings, and I think they are really important. Long distance relationships are real relationships. They are just as real as if you lived in the same city, the same neighborhood, the same house even and as the world shrinks (figuratively) they become more and more common. People don’t even blink anymore when you say you met your partner online.
So, if you want your long-distance relationship to work out you have to treat it like it’s real, and not just a hobby to keep you amused when you’re home at night and bored. This is especially true of a D/s relationship. Always make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If this is just a fling for you until you find something local, or you’re not in it for the long haul, then make sure your partner knows that. Don’t pretend.
I know so many submissives who have been crushed by a Dominant they met online who assured them that they were serious and then ghosted, or just lost interest. I’ve been through it myself. A couple of my books were inspired by the intense heartache I felt when I was suddenly dumped after eight months by someone who assured me that they were happy with the relationship and I was important to them. Everything they told me was lies. I ignored the warning signs and I was destroyed for a long time afterwards.
My current Doms are still dealing with the emotional baggage from this and other mistakes I’ve made because I trusted too easily and believed what I was told. I’m long since recovered from that pain but the learned responses take longer.
Messing with someone’s head like that is irresponsible; it’s abuse, and unfortunately, it’s easier to do online. Be honest and upfront about your intentions and if things change, which does happen, make sure you keep your partner updated on those changes. You will hurt them a lot less that way, trust me.
When you are the Dominant in the relationship lying because “I’m a people pleaser and I wanted to make you happy.” Is not an excuse. You are the one steering the ship. Don’t take on the responsibility unless you are sure you can handle it.
Put the time in, put the effort in, and you end up with a steady and stable relationship that will keep everyone happy. Plan visits if it’s feasible, as often as you can and each one will be like a honeymoon reinvigorating your relationship. If it’s not possible, and sometimes it isn’t for many reasons, then find other ways to keep the magic alive, because I’m warning you if you don’t the distance between you will be the least of your problems.
When you promise a punishment, a reward, a date night—make sure it happens and even from a distance your D/s relationship will thrive. Every time a threat or promise is made lightly and then forgotten it will chip away at the foundation that you’re trying to build—leaving doubts and fear.
In a submissive those negative emotions almost always lead to misbehavior as they search for stable footing. There will be fights and arguments, petulance and tantrums and only part of it will be the submissive’s fault. On some level they will know that, which will make punishment for the behavior fail to ring true and it won’t be effective. It will feel unfair, even if they can’t articulate it and it might strain the relationship even more and lock you into a cycle of continued bad behavior to be punished.
For submissives, talking about your wants and needs is one of the hardest things you can do; try anyway. Try really hard to let your Dominant know when something is wrong. Even if you can’t pinpoint what it is, sometimes just letting them know will help to open things up so you can explore together.
If I could go back in time to tell my new inexperienced subby-self one thing it would be that needing things is okay. Needing things doesn’t make you a bad sub and asking for things isn’t wrong. All your Dom can do is say no and if they dump you for being too ‘needy’ then they weren’t the right one for you anyway.
I can tell you right now that L and G are the most open and accepting Doms I’ve ever had in my life. The amount of angst I go through trying to work up the courage to say, “I need…” is ridiculous when the answer has never been anything but “Let’s see how we can make this work.” But… baggage.
The less baggage you accumulate the easier your future relationships will be, so take the words that I was never given: You are allowed to need attention, love, spanking, special words—all of it. I promise.
I hope people find this useful. As you can see it was an intense subject for me to cover and I really put all of my heart into it, along with a good dose of experience as someone who has been doing this for a long time.