What Do You Do When Your Dom Isn’t Around Enough? Part 3- Littles and Some Final Thoughts

In part one we discussed how life can be difficult at times, and how it can mess with your relationship dynamics. Through no one’s fault, sometimes Doms just can’t be available as much as they are needed. This can be a time or energy issue because, let’s be honest, Domming does take a lot of energy and it can be hard to force. What Do You Do When Your Dom Isn’t Around Enough Part 1

In part two we talked about how to nourish the D/s bond and ways to deal with only having a limited amount of time together. We discussed things that could help get the relationship back on the right track as well.  What Do You Do When Your Dom Isn’t Around Enough Part 2

Now in part three we’re going to start by talking about Littles with Daddy/Mommy/Caregivers. I would have included them in the last piece, but it ran long, and I realized I’d suggested things for all the other dynamics, so I don’t want to neglect these relationships. Also, I think a little more explaining is needed for them since they are often misunderstood.

Littles are a type of submissive with a strong childlike side. They tend to be especially needy of affection and nurturing. They may or may not age-play but will usually still have a need to be cuddled and protected. Littles relax by letting their child-side out.

They like to color and cuddle stuffed animals. They are often on the bratty side and their submission is more like that of a kid listening to a parent. You wouldn’t expect a Little to kneel at your feet or be whipped it’s just not in the dynamic.

It’s an emotionally vulnerable place. You’re opening the deepest parts of your psyche to someone else, and yes that is true of all submissives, but it can be different with Littles. Not more intense, simply different and it’s not easy to explain if you’ve never been in that headspace. The world seems bigger and scarier and your Dom isn’t just someone you obey, they are someone who protects you from the bad stuff out there.

Right now, there is a lot of bad stuff going on out there and many Littles are probably struggling to deal with that. If they are separated from their Caregiver it’s going to be even harder. It might be difficult for them to relax and let go alone so you need to make sure they still feel the connection is strong despite the distance, especially if a long-distance relationship isn’t something they are used to.

Right now we have a lot of people in a dynamic that they never asked for or planned on. Submissive, Dom, Little, Top…it doesn’t matter. If being separated from your partner is new you are going to be struggling. For Littles I just think it’s a little more obvious. Like children, their emotions can be overwhelming.

For some that little side is always close to the surface. You can see it peeking out when they get stressed or tired, but for others it’s just one phase of their personality that comes around now and then. I think a lot of submissives are hard to pin down to one definition because how they are defined changes.

I am usually a service sub, but sometimes a brat, sometimes a Little. It just depends on where my head is. I think many of us are like that. Right now though, with all the stress, you might be seeing rapid changes in how your submissive presents so please keep that in mind.

A Little who is missing their caretaker Dom is going to be especially fragile. It’s difficult to be on your own when you are in a childlike headspace, even more so than for other subs. It’s not quite like leaving a child home alone all day, but to a Little it can feel like being abandoned. With them constant reassurance is going to be necessary so I have a small list of suggestions for how to deal with things when they can’t have as much attention as they are used to.

Many of the things I discussed in the last part can also be adapted for Littles, but these are some specific ones for the dynamic.

Care packages
Littles love surprise presents. Stuffies and other toys make them happy. A specially curated care package is going to go a long way towards putting smiles on their faces. Consider some activities they can do, some small toys and stuffed animals, and of course some sweet treats.

Comfort objects
Sometimes when you can’t be there you can leave something behind that they can cuddle instead of you. Maybe one of your sweatshirts that smells like you, maybe a body pillow they can hug. A special stuffed animal that you can put all your love into and then give to them so they can feel your love when they hold it.

Notes
Hide little notes where they will find them. In the fridge, in their pockets, in their box of crayons, wherever you can think of. Just little things that remind them that you love them. If you are long-distance then mail them little letters or cards. There’s something special about getting mail from someone you love.

Just to be responsible about this, I do need to remind you that the virus can linger on paper and cardboard for up to 24 hours, so it’s a good idea to quarantine mail coming into the house. But that’s okay because it can ramp up the excitement.

Make sure your Little takes proper precautions when checking the mail and have them set the item aside and wait until the next day to open it. They will get to know it’s there waiting for them all day long, which can increase the excitement. Expect a little whining about having to wait though.

Set up Little’s things in advance for them to do alone

• If you haven’t been able to find the time to tuck them into their little space, but you live together, try packing them a lunch, in a cute little lunch box. Leave a note saying something like “Daddy left your lunch in the fridge, Princess. Makes sure you eat your fruit before the cookies!” Something like that feels super sweet and caring and will help them feel safe in that space even if you aren’t there.
• Set out their drawing supplies or coloring books and ask them to make you a picture while you’re gone.
• Put out their favorite Disney movie with some snacks to keep them occupied.
• Assign them simple chores, things a kid might be asked to do, and then reward them for being ‘helpful’ with a small prize you’ve tucked away for them.

Yes, of course they are really adults and don’t need rewards for doing chores in general, but this is different. This is meant to make them feel their younger side.

These can be adapted to be done long distance simply by giving them specific instructions to set these things up themselves. “I want you to make sure you have a sandwich and some fruit at noon. And if you’re a good you can watch The Little Mermaid afterwards while you color.”

That’s just a few ideas, but it should be enough to get you going towards improving the situation, at least emotionally. Remember that for Littles, or subs with a Little side it can be scary to go into that headspace when their protector isn’t there, but not relaxing will likely add to the stress of missing you.

You want to encourage them to still let the child side out to play in a safe environment. The above suggestions will help with that. Additionally for people who are doing this long-distance don’t forget you can spend time streaming Disney together, or play online.

I just want to wrap up with a few more thoughts. I have prefaced most of these things in all three parts on the idea that the Dom is the one without energy or time, because that’s the name of the article, and that’s been my situation recently. But you should be aware that it’s not always the Dom who is absent.

Obviously, this situation can be reversed. The submissive can be struggling because they are the ones with not enough time to relax into a submissive headspace. And of course, Doms can be missing their submissives and stressed and upset about it.

It’s just as important for Doms to be honest about what they’re feeling. Remember relationships go both ways and the issue is that the relationship is faltering because of outside circumstances.

But since I’ve focused on the Dom being absent a lot of the things I’ve suggested require little time on their side, and there are some things which are going to be more time consuming for the sub. Please bear in mind that if the sub is the one with less time, and they are already feeling overwhelmed adding long tasks to that might not help them feel more submissive. It will probably just make them angry and frustrated.

When life interferes no one is happy, and in the end, it doesn’t matter which side the problem is on because everyone in the relationship will be feeling the stress. There may come a time when you have to realize you’re not getting enough out of a relationship to continue, and that can be a painful decision to make.

Situations change and sometimes they don’t change back and no matter how much you both want it to work there are just too many obstacles. When the relationship starts to hurt more than it helps you need to take stock and decide where you’re going to go, but I don’t think it needs to come to that in most situations.

If you love each other, and want it to work, then you can deal with a lot of issues and inconvenience. Sometimes that means lowering your expectations and just dealing with your absolute needs instead of your wants for awhile. As long as you are getting your needs filled, and you are both willing to work on solutions you have a shot.

You just need to remember that no relationship flows smoothly all the time. There will always be periods when it’s a daily struggle. That’s normal and doesn’t need to be a sign of impending apocalypse, especially when you know the struggle is from outside factors. All you can do is tread water until the tide shifts and then you’ll start making progress again.

I’m going to finish with my standard advice, because it can never be said enough, communication is your ally and the most important tool you have to keep your relationship healthy. As always, feel free to drop your questions and comments—and if you have suggestions that you think might help others please don’t hesitate to share them either publicly in comment or email them to me.

Oh! But one thing—several times I’ve gotten truly wonderful comments and questions in email only to find when I go to reply that the email address is broken. Please, please make sure you put your correct address into the ‘Contact me’ section so I can reply to you.

I try to reply to all comments I receive, though I am slow sometimes so give me a week. But if you  don’t hear from me by then I probably tried and couldn’t get through. Please try again!

Stay safe, stay healthy, stay home!