Tag: Safety

Is it too early in the year for a controversial topic? I did hold off until February, but this one has been nagging me.

If you’ve been around a while, you may have noticed I don’t approach things the way a lot of BDSM/Lifestyle blogs do. They focus on ideal situations, on best case scenarios, and they often give the impression that everyone should automatically be taking what they think is the safest path.

I used to read plenty of them, and I would get so frustrated because I couldn’t relate to any of it. It wasn’t what I saw at parties and clubs. It wasn’t what I lived and what other kinky friends were living.

They always seemed to write about situations where there was only one way to do things, and they never even suggested that you had other choices.

It’s like getting a new job and reading the employee manual, memorizing all the rules, and then being thrown out on the floor to find people are all doing things their own way. Sure, some of the guidelines are necessary, but others just make everything take longer and seem like they were designed for an entirely different situation than the one you’re currently in.

I feel like many of these blogs are more concerned with promoting an image, and being a role model, than actually focusing on the gritty normal stuff that people need to see. To me it feels like kink propaganda, which… it is. I don’t mean it in a bad way. The kink world has only recently come out of the closet and for some people it’s still on shaky ground.

We needed a shiny image to ease our way into the mainstream and I get that. But there were, and probably still are, plenty of blogs that stick to the safe topics and focus just on what looks good to the general public. They trot out the same ‘rules’ and avoid talking about anything awkward.

I tend to go in a different direction.

I have been part of the kink world for literally my entire adult life. It’s been a long time, and I’ve been involved in so many different types of play. So, I go into these things with a more ‘on the ground’ kind of approach. I don’t focus on what makes the Scene image look good. I go with what I’ve actually seen and experienced.

Part of that is working with the assumption that people will make their own decisions about how to play. You can tell them that things have to be done a certain way… and they are still going to do what feels right to them.

It’s not my ‘job’ to tell you why you can’t or shouldn’t do something. It’s my job to make sure you know and consider the risks inherent in your choices, so that you can decide if they are worth it. Sometimes the situation is not ideal, but it’s what you’ve got. Sometimes you want things that are less safe, but it’s what you think you need.

Anyway, toward the end of December, I was watching a conversation in a reader group, discussing a D/s dynamic in a recent book. There was a lot of back and forth on whether the dynamic was healthy or toxic and out of the blue one person commented that, “They didn’t discuss a safeword and limits before they played. That’s breaking every rule there is, so it’s obviously toxic.”

I should note that the couple in the book were not strangers, and had been together and played together before. For me, that means most likely they’ve already had these conversations, many times. If my Dom insisted on discussing safewords every time we played… I would probably stop playing entirely out of aggravation.

It’s one of those things that make me squint at my screen, while I decide if I really want to waste my night arguing with people who have never even experienced the things they are talking about. Usually, I just make a note on my blog topic list and move on.

So, here’s the thing… when it comes to BDSM there really aren’t any ‘rules’ except what people decide between themselves, or what a playspace decides to enforce. And of course, consent, which is literally a law. Without consent you are committing assault, or SA, and probably several other crimes, which supersedes a Scene ‘rule’.

What the Scene gives us are safety guidelines and suggestions. New people in the Scene are (hopefully) taught the best, safest practices, and can go forward making informed choices based on what they’ve learned. But you and your partners always have options in how you play.

People say things like “You need to use a safeword!” and “You have to talk about your boundaries!” and it’s all meant to ensure everyone has a safe experience when they play. But the reality is that there aren’t any hard and fast rules spread across the scene. No one is out there enforcing what you establish in your private dynamics.

A club might require you to behave in certain ways on their property, but what you do on your own is up to you. But a lot of romance readers have read so many books saying the exact same thing, that they’ve gotten the idea that certain safety/care features are absolutely mandatory, or else it’s abuse, and that’s not the case.

The majority of these readers have no real-life experience with BDSM activities, so they are just going by what they read in fiction. I see these misunderstandings pop up quite often, so I’m going to list a few common ones.

(SSC) Safe, Sane, and Consensual is the only way. Anything else is abuse!

This isn’t true at all. There are many different, and better (IMO) logos/mottos to kink by. SSC is outdated, and the very community it came from has said that, and also said it has never been used the way it was meant to be used. It was never meant to define the entire BDSM subculture or limit it in any way.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual was suggested by David Stein of GMSMA (Gay Male S/M Activists) back in the 80’s as a way to basically convince the vanilla public that BDSM wasn’t the dangerous deviant games they were portrayed as. They needed a way to fix the bad press, which at the time assumed anyone involved in BDSM was mentally unwell.

It was a very effective marketing logo, but in fact, it was mostly designed with the comfort of the mainstream public in mind—and not the needs of the kinky population. (I also feel like I should point out that they never intended for SSC to be a permanent logo. It was an “until we think of something better” kind of thing.

I’ve written about this many times before on this blog, so I’m not going to go too deeply now, but many long time kinksters find SSC to be useless and inaccurate. You will never convince the general public that half the activities we do are sane. Many of them aren’t safe—we simply try to minimize the risks.

Consent is really the only part of it that works, which is why consent has been carried over to much more useful mottos like (RACK) Risk Aware Consensual Kink and (PRICK) Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink.

You have to use safewords!

You don’t actually. Safewords are one kind of safety feature that you can choose to incorporate in your play. It’s an option.

Using a safeword is optional? GASP! HORROR! How can you write that? You’re encouraging unsafe play!

Except… I’m not. What I’m doing is coming at things from a realistic perspective. The Scene is, and always has been, filled with people who color outside of the lines, and don’t always want to follow a strict code of norms.

And I want to educate people, not push them to a toe a party line that insists on only one way to live. I believe that people need to understand the inherent risks in any kink they indulge in, so they can make an informed choice. As adults, it’s our right to decide how we want to play.

There is no one true way. What works for you, may not work for others.

So, while I will tell people that certain safety features are a good idea, and emphasize situations in which they are even more important, I am not going to say, “This is mandatory and you can’t play if you don’t do this.” I mean, first of all, it’s not true.

I recommend, always, that you are aware of the inherent risks if you choose not to use one. I recommend that people who are new to the Scene, or partners who are new to playing with each other use one.

But you don’t actually have to use safewords. I know people who don’t use them for punishment. I know people who don’t bother mentioning them before going into light playful scenes. I know people who don’t use them with their committed partners, but do use them when they are playing with others. Lots of people would, of course, honor ‘Red!’ if it was used, but assume the adults they are playing with are educated enough not to need the whole ‘safeword conversation’ before they start.

The important thing to know is that safewords are a safety feature, not a mandatory law that you have to follow or else you’re not a ‘real’ Dom/sub/etc. My only caveat here is that abuser Doms will sometimes tell subs they can’t have one, and that’s not how any of this works.

The decision to use or not use a safeword has to be freely agreed on by all concerned. I also don’t feel a Dom should be the one to suggest not using one, in case the sub feels pressured to agree. But there are many reasons why the sub might not want one, and as long as they understand the risk, and the Dom is okay with it, there’s nothing wrong with that.

You can’t have a scene without aftercare!

You absolutely can.

Not everyone wants or needs aftercare, and what aftercare they do want doesn’t look the same to everyone. Some people’s aftercare is being left alone to contemplate the emotions of the scene. For other people it’s just chatting and relaxing together.

At play parties people often bounce from one scene to the next with no need or desire for aftercare. They want to fit in as much playing as possible before it’s over. They may want it only after the last scene of the night. They may not want it from a stranger they just played with at all, but will get it with their partner after they go home.

Every situation is different.

This is why communication is so important. Aftercare should be offered but not forced. Even better, you can ask them before the scene starts what aftercare looks like for them.

You can’t just have a scene. You have to have a discussion about safewords and limits first.

Sometimes scenes are spontaneous. Sometimes with people who know each other well it’s just not necessary. Sometimes the scene is relaxed and casual and just not that deep. For a light playful scene that doesn’t involve any kind of headspace, both people should be freely able to converse as things happen. If something is wrong “Hey wait—” should be enough.

If I’m playing with someone I know is experienced and educated, I’m probably not going to treat them like a child by assuming they want to discuss safewords. I assume if they have an unusual one they will tell me, otherwise I’ll be listening for Red/Yellow.

You can’t play with a stranger! Scening takes a level of trust that doesn’t happen until you have a real connection and know each other well.

This one comes up in romance books a lot too. The idea that all kink is only between committed romantic couples is false, and right up there with “all kink is sexual.” Many, and I mean MANY, people go to clubs, parties, and events looking to play with people they don’t know.

While I wouldn’t recommended meeting up privately to play with someone you don’t know well, it is usually perfectly fine to play with strangers at specific venues.

Not everyone has romantic partners. Not everyone has a committed relationship, or even wants one. Not everyone is in a relationship where it’s safe to ask for kink needs to be met. Some people have no outlets for their needs except the occasional party or event. Which is why they tend to go into a frenzy when they get there.

Most parties and clubs have established venue rules, including a reminder that Red is a universal safeword. They have monitors and managers who keep an eye on things. And, honestly, if there is an obvious problem even another patron will probably step in, because it’s in everyone’s best interests to keep things safe.

Can you trust a stranger with your safety? Maybe not, but you can trust a room full of people watching who believe in safety and consent. And if you have any concerns, you can totally ask someone to keep an eye on things.

So there you go, it might be controversial, but you can play in whatever way works for you. As long as you are communicating with the people you play with, and everyone is on the same page, and there is freely given consent…you can make your own rules.

Personally, I’m a RACK girl all the way. I understand that some kinks and games can be dangerous. I make sure I know the risks and I do my best to minimize them, in a way that doesn’t detract from the experience I’m trying to have.

And if you’ve felt odd or weird because your dynamic or play style doesn’t fit the standard mold… well, just remember that the original Leather crowd were rebels who refused to be pushed into those molds.