The high maintenance submissive

I feel like I’m really high maintenance. My bossy people tell me that I’m not, that my needs are reasonable, but it never feels like that to me. Anytime I get in trouble or ask for something, I feel like I’m too much work and I cringe and try to withdraw. I will put off asking for something I know is a need, for months sometimes, rather than lay it out to be discussed because of this fear I have.
Somewhere along the path I got this idea that being submissive meant being useful without having any needs. I mean, I didn’t just stumble over the idea on the ground and carry it home to keep forever because it sparkled.

It was ingrained into my psyche by Dominants who wanted the pleasure of a submissive without actually needing to put a lot of effort into caring for one. And when I say it like that, I’m sure the first instinct people will have is “They were dicks!” but I’m going to be honest with you…it’s not always that easy when you’re in a relationship to realize that’s what’s happening. Not on either side.

Dominants don’t leap from their mother’s loins wearing leather chaps and wielding a crop at birth. They start out new and unsure of what to do, just like submissives. And just like submissives their first experiences in the scene can shape how they think D/s relationships are meant to go. If your first submissive is someone relatively uncomplicated, without baggage, who thrives on doing things for you and doesn’t ask for things in return, you will walk away from the relationship with that expectation and then carry it right into the next one.

After that, someone with fairly normal needs and wants can seem overwhelmingly needy. When you feel like you’re being asked to do too much it’s easy to say as much without thinking. But there is a line for Dominants, between maintaining an honest relationship and saying things that can break their submissive and I’ll tell you right now “You’re too needy.” (or any variation of that) is not a statement that any submissive will walk away from without scars. I’m not sure even a non-submissive woman could be told that and not be badly hurt actually.

So, when I say that I have a lot of baggage and a lot of bad experiences I need you to know that I’m not always looking to place blame for failed relationships on the other partner. Life happens, and sometimes things just fall apart. The fact that they didn’t hurt you deliberately doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean they didn’t come away from the experience with their own wounds. I also need you to know that words matter, and how you say them can make a big difference in how they are received.

A submissive, no matter how strong normally, is vulnerable with their Dominant. There is a fragility that comes with the act of submitting to another person. When you open yourself up and let someone see all of you, you are stripping off your armor and trusting them not to slide a blade into your heart while you kneel waiting at their feet.

Unfortunately, metaphorical blades are a lot easier to wield, which means people can swing one at you without even realizing what they’re doing—and that doesn’t change how much damage is done as a result. Even the most skilled and experienced Dominant has messed up at one time or another. Somewhere in their past is a submissive carrying around scars from mistakes that Dominant made, because that is the nature of the game. There’s no way to avoid it.

Don’t assume, when I say games that I’m taking these relationships lightly either. I’m not. There is an aspect of make believe to the relationship because of the fact that we are consenting instead of being carried off by the rogue pirate to be his wench, or the evil king forced to be his submissive bride against her will, but that doesn’t make them less meaningful or necessary. I say this as a submissive who doesn’t function well on her own. I’m not, and never have been, someone who can self-motivate and even the simplest things fall apart when I don’t have a dominant force to guide me. D/s is not just foreplay for me.

So, I call it games, but they are also serious relationships.
That being said, these ‘games’ we play, of domination and submission, are dangerous. Even if you do everything right and take every precaution with your physical body…you are still opening yourself up to emotional hurt. If you’re not, then you aren’t opening yourself up completely and reaching the core of what real submission can be. Many, including me, are even more attracted to this life because of that nebulous danger. Without risk there is no passion.

You can throw out “Safe, Sane, and Consensual!” and explain that everything is in the submissives’ control and that you would only play with someone you trust, but you can’t deny that thrill of fear that rolls through your body when someone ties your hands or puts a blindfold on you. You can’t deny that you wonder… “What if he doesn’t stop when I use my safe word? What if it’s too much?” It adds to everything that fear.

You catch your breath. Your heart races, thumping so hard against your ribcage that you wonder if he can hear it. Your mouth goes dry and a shudder rolls down your back as you listen intently for a sign of what he’s doing while you’re bound helpless and unable to see.

Fear. You can almost taste it on your tongue, can’t you?

But if someone has cuffed your hands behind your back, stripped off your clothes and is slowly sliding his belt through the loops of his jeans…you know what’s coming. You know it’s a physical danger and you can prepare for it. You’ve taken precautions so that you can stop things if it gets too intense, or it’s someone you trust enough to leave it in their hands, knowing that they’ll stop if you need them to.

And it’s not just physical of course; it’s scary the things a Dominant can do to your mind, and that kind of fear can also add to the experience. Mind games let you go deeper, connecting your fantasies with reality. There’s a reason submissives don’t tend to have safe words and quick release cuffs in their masturbation fantasies—they want the illusion of being under someone else’s control.

He leans in and whispers against her ear, “You’ve been a bad girl. Looks like I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.” The words, low and threatening, tickled her ear, but laughter was the furthest thing from her mind and she swallowed nervously, resisting the urge to run.

“I’m going to take this strap to you until you can’t sit for a week, darlin’, and then, when your ass is bright red, and the slightest touch makes you whimper…I’m going to claim you like the slut you are and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

Those threats are hot when you know they are just in play, when it’s something you’ve already agreed to in advance. You aren’t going to walk away from that scene with a demoralized self-esteem and a sense of low worth—a limp maybe and a need to sit on a cushion for a while, but mentally and emotionally safe because you trust your partner.

And that’s the problem sometimes. No one really warns you about the danger of trusting your emotions too much when they teach you about safety in the BDSM world. That’s mostly because there isn’t really any way for you to protect yourself, as a submissive, if your Dominant is the one who inflicts the emotional kind of pain on you—either by accident or choice. You’ve already let down your shields and welcomed them in, so at that point, you are just as helpless as if you were bound and gagged.

It can be a wonderful thing to be that vulnerable, but it can also be terrible and there’s really nothing you can do to avoid the downsides because trust is necessary for a submissive. The only thing that will really help you is to keep an open and honest line of communication. I can’t stress this enough: Talk. To. Your. Dominants. And—Dominants, Talk. To. Your. Subs.

All of that leads to this point: because of my past experiences I have a lot of trouble with being as open as I should be with my Doms sometimes, especially when it comes to expressing a problem. I’m really lucky with W and K because they don’t have that issue and they will push until I get the words out. Instead of just accepting the fact that I’m being quiet and not needing anything gratefully, because it’s less work for them, they watch for signs that there are things going on beneath the surface.

The phrase “Still waters run deep.” describes me perfectly. I am an emotional iceberg and they are the only ones who see the frozen mountain beneath the water in time to turn the ship most of the time. (Insert humorous opinion that Jack and Rose could have taken turns floating on the raft here.)

Ironically this probably means I’m more work for them than I have been for some who ‘thought’ I was too much trouble in the past. It really makes me wonder what I’d be like, as a submissive, as a person, if I’d come to them all fresh and new. I’ll never know, but it’s something I think about at times. So yeah… talk, communicate, make sure you’re on the same page, and try not to let your baggage drown you. That’s my daily goal—sometimes I succeed.

Sometimes I don’t.

Have a great week everyone!

Wearing a Collar

A collar is not made of leather. It isn’t made from metal either. It doesn’t have to fit around your neck. It can be anything at all, because a collar is an idea. A concept—a symbol of commitment in a relationship where one person submits their will to another.

Of course, we’re speaking specifically of the kind of collar a submissive wears. There are other kinds of collars and they can be nothing more than a clothing accessory—but with the right context it can be everything.

I’ve had more than a few collars in my life. Some I bought myself to wear because I liked the look and it’s always fun to wear an obviously “BDSM” collar around your neck, especially when you go to a fetish event so everyone knows you’re a submissive. For a while they were in style and you could get them everywhere in velvet, satin, or even leather, and when you walked around in a public place and saw someone wearing one you got to wonder if they were a submissive, or if they just thought it was cute. Maybe they saw yours and wondered too.

A precious few of them were given to me as part of a relationship. To a submissive, a collar that is given to them by a Dominant can feel like the most important thing in the world. Just seeing it, touching it, can evoke strong emotions and influence behavior.

My current collar is actually a bracelet. It has special beads with specific meanings and it’s meant that more will be added over time for special occasions. Right now, there are three beads: A maple leaf, a lily, and one with a garden leaf design—each means something important. So basically, a charm bracelet but with intense meaning for my submissive self. No one looking at it would ever think ‘collar’ and that’s fine because it’s not for them it’s for me.

At times I get weird about wearing it. I judge myself as deficient in some way, a failure, and I won’t put it on without being told because I don’t think I deserve to wear it. I don’t feel worthy. I’m slowly trying to work through that because it’s not something I’m supposed to feel, but emotions are hard, and they don’t really get along well with logic.

When I put it on my wrist I’m constantly aware of it. Every second I feel the weight of it, the way it slides on my skin when I move my arm. The way the little beads clack as they shift on the silver band and bump into each other. Every sound, every touch is saying “You are loved. You are safe. You are ours.”. When I’m nervous or agitated I play with it; running my fingers over the beads, sliding them back and forth and it soothes me because of the meaning behind it.

So why would I deny myself that comfort, especially when I know that’s what it’s for? I think it’s probably a self-worth issue. Many people struggle with that, of course, but I’ve noticed it’s something submissives in particular have trouble dealing with. It’s an on-going battle and I think sometimes it gets the best of me. Denying myself certain things is a way of punishing myself.
I’ve been reminded more than once that it’s not my job to punish myself, but old habits die hard.

Lately they’ve been ordering me to put it on more often, because they’ve noticed I don’t wear it enough on my own and I really love that. I love (and sometimes also hate, depending) being given any orders, since my submissive side has a strong urge to serve, and it makes me aware of how closely they’re watching my moods. It makes me feel safe, protected, when they notice things, but there’s something else, something that most submissives crave…
The feeling of belonging to someone.

It’s caring and special when a Dominant does things [to you] for your own good, but there’s something deeply satisfying for a submissive when a Dominant does something because they want to. I don’t get many orders like that because there’s not many things I can do for them that they can’t do for themselves with less effort, but the longing is there.

Often when a suggestion is made, or a question is asked, I will try to take care of it as if ordered to, because it gives me that feeling of being useful. When I’m told to put on my bracelet I want to feel that they want it on my wrist because I’m theirs. Because I belong to them. Because I’m claimed.

I know it’s more likely that they just felt I needed to have it on because my mood was dipping, or I seemed to be struggling, but being told to wear it still gives me that sense of being owned and I like that. I need that—but I also need to balance that with being able to put my bracelet on when I need to feel it on my wrist and that’s been harder for me. Like everything else I guess it’s a work in progress.

What I do know is that there really isn’t any feeling quite like wearing a collar that says you belong to someone. I’ll probably never find the right words to explain it, but it makes me have very mixed feelings when I hear a Top talking about how a submissive has to earn their collar first. How can a submissive earn a collar if she doesn’t feel like she’s completely yours to begin with? How can you make someone earn a feeling of safety and connection? Isn’t that one of the fundamentals of this kind of relationship?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should ever collar a person before you know them well. I just think that’s what training collars are for, to provide the safety while you build the connection, and I also feel like you should know a person pretty well before the subject of submitting even comes up. Yet I’ve seen Masters and Doms who want a commitment of submission immediately and then want the submissive to prove themselves before getting a collar and that bothers me.

For some submissives that works, I’m sure. Which just goes to show you how important it is to find the right Dominant and the right style of dominance before you submit. It’s hard to wait, and far too easy to jump for the first Dom who shows up, but trust me, it’s usually a mistake.

I know what I need, and that kind of formality is not for me. Make me safe first, nurture our connection, and then watch me blossom in your collar, because I will.

I will.

New plot reveal, with story excerpt!

After my first series, which was paranormal romance, and my second series which was time travel, I felt a need to go in a new direction for the next book. I haven’t done any science fiction in a while and I decided space was a good place to look for new ideas.

So, I’m currently working on two futuristic space novels that are going in two very different directions and I haven’t been saying much about them until the storyline clarified in my head and I was sure of where I was going. Since one book is now on the third chapter I’m feeling a little more confident about discussing it—at least the basic setup.

I’ve been wanting to do an alien novel, but while abduction novels seem popular I feel like that genre is already being covered pretty well by a number of fine authors. And I’ll be honest the “kidnapped but then it’s not rape because, even though she has no choice, she enjoys it” thing is not something I want to write. I’ve read it and enjoyed some stories in that line but writing it wouldn’t mesh with my style.

I’m fine with nonconsensual spanking, or dub con, when it comes to discipline “For your own good!” In fact, it’s a hot button for me. But with sex it’s a little different. It’s hard to write romance without sex, and I struggle with making a scenario where the woman can consent to sex, after being kidnapped so I needed to play with some ideas.

I wanted to do something else, a different twist. I spent a half an hour one night chatting with a friend of mine and we were talking about alien novels and the various tropes, and it came up that humans might be willing slaves in exchange for new bodies, especially people who are stuck with bodies they don’t especially want. That seed grew in my mind and eventually unfolded into a whole book, maybe more than one.

I’m not going to get too deep into the plot because I don’t want to spoil it, or reveal things too soon that might change, but the book takes place in the future. Humans find out the universe is a very busy place, filled with life, and that secret has been kept from them deliberately. Quarantined and isolated, the planet has been part of an experiment to see how a race matures without any help or assistance, or even the knowledge that they aren’t alone.

With the first cosmonaut’s blast off and orbit of the planet, the experiment ends, and the race is secretly guided through a long transition phase to prepare them to meet the rest of the universe. During those decades other races begin visiting, disguised as humans–tourists. Humans you see, have developed a fanbase. Not only were they being studied but their growth and adventures were being broadcast across the universe to all worlds. (Or at least those worlds who signed up for the premium cable channels, one assumes. Haha)

To the other sentient races, it was a bit like a reality show full of comedy pratfalls, and sudden plot twists. The humans are entertainment in the same way people love to watch nature documentaries where animals do funny things. Alien tourists line up to visit undercover.

Enter the Sadecs. This warlike race tends to attack everyone with very little provocation. They’re sadists and they enjoy causing pain, on a personal level, which might be part of the impetus to attack others the way they do. What they find on Earth surprises them. In all the known sentient planets they’ve never before discovered people who enjoy pain and they have never had any balance to their sadism. They quickly invade the BDSM scene on Earth and become addicted to these strange creatures who not only want pain, but enjoy it, some can even turn it into pleasure.

When the transition period is over, and the humans are welcomed with the truth, the Sadecs make an offer: willing human volunteers to be their slaves, in return for advanced technology. The slaves themselves receive the perfect body, grown to their exact specifications in return for five years of service as Pain Receivers, but a tier system of rewards is set up to benefit the whole planet.

Suddenly masochists are prized and envied. People line up at the door hoping to be picked but each volunteer must go through a rigorous series of tests before they are accepted, because the Sadecs don’t want people who are just willing to suffer for the reward—they want people who will suffer and beg for more.

Volunteers can back out at any time, right up until the final test. Once all the paperwork is signed and they’ve had ample opportunity to change their minds, there is one last test—an actual scene with pain. Two types of masochists can pass this test. Those who don’t enjoy the pain but need it—and can show they’ve lived in discipline relationships, and those whose bodies experience arousal while actually being spanked, whipped, etc.

From the moment you step into that testing room your fate depends on your body’s reactions and if you make it, if you pass—then you become a slave of the Sadecs and for five long years you’re theirs to punish and hurt without safewords or the right to say no, because you consented in advance.

I like that because it’s consent but there’s also some dub con (dubious consent) feel there. This series is going to allow me to go darker than I have in previous novels, explore some themes that I haven’t had a chance to play with yet, and it also allows me to bring in some side characters who come from different backgrounds and have their own reasons for volunteering.

If you’re familiar with my publisher than you know there will be love, there will be romance, and eventually a happy ever after, but there’s going to be other stuff too. And while this character might get a couple of books, I’m seriously thinking that other books in the series will feature different main characters, because this is going to be a really fun universe to write in.

So what do you think? Everyone up for some dub-con Alien Master novels?

If you’re still interested here’s a short snippet from Chapter two:

What was supposed to be a brief test had turned into her first scene, the kind of thing she’d always fantasized about and she wanted it all. She wanted more spanking, and then she wanted him to claim her body and fuck her until she screamed. Only her stubborn pride kept her from asking for that.

“Do you know what will happen when you do not obey?” he asked.

She swallowed hard, “I—I guess, not this?” she asked hesitantly. About that time, she remembered that he’d promised her punishment and it suddenly occurred to her that what he’d done so far hadn’t been especially punishing. If anything, it had been more in line with foreplay.

“Correct. Not this,” he said firmly. He let go of the cheek he’d been squeezing and picked up the wooden paddle he’d taken down from the wall.
“Disobedience and bad behavior need a different response, which I will definitely enjoy showing you. Now.”

He did sound pleased, and she trembled. They were sadists and they enjoyed giving pain. Somehow in the rush of enjoying his dominance and her first spanking she’d forgotten the warnings. She’d been thoroughly briefed over the limits they had to follow and those went quite a long way past an erotic spanking.

And now that she’d been de-briefed, or at least de-pantied, she was about to have a real taste of discipline. Not the fun kind, but the kind that would teach a lesson with every burning swat. All the regret about volunteering for this came rushing back. If she was very good she might earn a sexy spanking, pain she could enjoy. The other kind could come regardless; she wouldn’t even have to do something wrong. They could punish her at the slight whim.

Why had she agreed to this? She groaned and her head drop, knowing the answer to that. She’d agreed to be a Pain Receiver because she was tired of walking through life feeling half-alive. She was tired of denying the submissive part of herself as she ruined one relationship after another. This might be a more extreme version of what she needed, but it was better than nothing at all.

Counting down

Counting down

Five.

The number five never used to catch my attention so thoroughly as it does now. There’s a reason for that. My bossy people have decided that I evade way too much. And it’s true. I don’t like to answer difficult questions, so I will pretend I haven’t heard them and change the subject.

A lot of times this isn’t a matter of confessing about breaking a rule or anything like that. That does come up now-and-then, but mostly it centers around conversations of things I need, things I’m feeling, or something that’s off emotionally. In short, the kinds of things my Dominants should be aware of.

Four.

I’m so good at it that, for a while, they didn’t realize what was happening, but eventually it was noticed. We put rules and structures in place to make it easier for me to talk about these things and that helped a little, but not enough.

Some of the things I’ve hidden have been quite large things and since the structure wasn’t helping enough to bring me to the level of transparency I should have with them, certain consequences were added. That helped a lot more, but sometimes my stubbornness kicks in.

Three.

I have a problem with asking for things. I have a problem with needing things. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have needs at all and there’s a lot of reasons and trauma behind that, but I tend to feel like it’s my job to take care of people and not the other way around. Repeated reminders that I had dominant people in my life specifically to take care of me, and that I was handicapping their ability to do so weren’t enough for it to sink in.

We decided to institute an evasion warning. If they felt I was evading they would warn me, and if I didn’t start talking then the consequences kicked in. I am highly motivated by negative consequences, so I think there was an immediate improvement there.

Two.

But much of our daily interactions take place online, which means I quickly discovered that if a conversation got too difficult, and I didn’t have an answer, I could just go—away. Avoid the whole situation entirely by being unavailable.

They caught onto that one a lot faster, and W started the counting thing. It doesn’t seem to matter if I’m there or not. The slow countdown will just proceed without me, and since I learned that, it makes it a lot harder for me to run away, because I can’t stand knowing I’ll be in trouble when I come back, before I even get to say a word.

One.

The numbers don’t always start at five. Sometimes they start at ten; I think it depends on the amount of patience W has at the moment. It doesn’t matter because even when they start at ten, five is the halfway mark. It feels like the point of no return if I let the numbers go down that far. It’s a number with weight either way. It catches my attention.

Lately I’ve noticed a trend, if W even suspects something is wrong and I don’t answer immediately the counting starts and I find myself hurrying to explain. It causes the sudden drop inside. That ‘uh-oh’ feeling even when I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s just a matter of explaining whatever was misunderstood. I love and hate that feeling, both. Someday I’ll figure out how I can have such conflicting emotions about being in trouble, maybe.

Zero.

We’ve never gotten to zero, not yet anyway. I’m sure eventually it will happen because I’m in an exceptionally stubborn mood, but so far it halts me in my tracks, and I find I don’t mind. I’m tired of running away, tired of evading. I have people who love me now. People who want to take care of me, and make sure my needs are met and that’s special. That’s something to hold onto.

The numbers add an immediacy that push me towards where I need to be. I’d get there eventually; they won’t let me escape, but it does make things move a little faster and while I’m sure it helps with their frustration at having to chase—it also helps with the frustration I feel at myself when I back away.

It’s progress. I think.

Spanking in retro advertising

I’ve been working on a number of longer blog posts that involve serious topics and stories so I’ve been a bit quiet, but here’s a fun post with lots of vintage spanking pictures to amuse you this weekend. So happy spanking …er Saturday. I meant happy Saturday!

Spanking used to be big in advertising. You saw it everywhere, for any product you could imagine and most of it really didn’t bother to make much connection to the item really. It was as if they knew spanking would draw the attention of the consumer. Hmm.

Continue reading “Spanking in retro advertising”