TRUSTING TOO SOON

Putting all your trust in a partner too soon is a mistake that I think most of us have made at one time or another. I think going too deep too fast is even more common in D/s relationships, for reasons we’ll get into in a minute.

I saw a kink meme the other day that said (paraphrased), “You should never play with someone the first time you meet. Wait until you’ve known them for a while, met them in person, and trust them completely.” And I think… that’s great advice. But I also think it’s unrealistic for a lot of people.

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For one thing, it ignores all the kinksters who go places specifically to play and then realize there’s chemistry with someone they just did a scene with. I’ve seen soooo many relationships start after first doing a scene at a club or party.

And with so many people meeting online these days… finding someone you really like and then realizing they live far away can mean having to plan a trip to visit. Are you really going to fly across the country and just talk when you get there? Probably not.

Things might move differently for the new generation entering the kink world, maybe they’ve slowed things down… but I’m guessing the new excitement rush is still the same.

This is one of those times where common sense and best-case scenarios sort of clash with reality. It’s smart to wait, and yet most people aren’t going to.

I typically don’t bother giving advice that I know most people won’t take. Instead, I’m going to try to give you some tips for navigating this difficult situation, but first let’s talk about why a relationship based on a D/s dynamic is going to be a little different from a regular romance.

Stepping into a new relationship, of any kind, can be incredibly exciting. In the beginning you can’t get enough. It’s an addiction. You want to be with them every second of the day. You never run out of things to talk about.

Sleep? Ha, who needs it.

Work? I’ll go in late.

When can we see each other again?

This is the honeymoon period. Your new partner is perfect, everything is wonderful, and you’re convinced you’ve found ‘the one’.

Now take all of that and heighten the intensity by about tenfold. That’s what a new D/s dynamic is like. It’s all of the gooshy, happy new relationship stuff, but with an added depth. You’re not just trying to get to know someone, you are diving deep into their mind to find out what makes them tick.

D/s dynamics require a lot of trust and it needs to be established pretty quickly, because so many of the activities involved require, well, you putting your life in someone else’s hands. And that’s not just for the sub/bottom either. When the Top engages in BDSM play with someone, that requires trust too, and yes, there is also some risk for them.

Trust that you are being honest. Trust that you understand the risks you are undertaking, and aren’t going to take more than you can handle and then call it abuse later. Kink is mostly recognized and accepted now, but saying the wrong thing to the wrong person can still ruin reputations and even lead to police involvement.

So, the danger isn’t the same, but there are still risks on both sides. That is aside from the risk of getting your heart broken, of course, which can happen to anyone in a relationship.

Getting to know someone in a regular relationship tends to happen slowly, through conversation and experiences. Dates start off casually, maybe with coffee or lunch and light topics of conversation. Even bringing up sex on a first date, is frowned on by a lot of people. Intimate scenes, in many cases, aren’t immediate, which means you can take time to learn about each other.

That can be the case with D/s dynamics… but it’s usually not. When kink is an absolute must in a relationship, those conversations need to happen immediately. No lifestyle kinkster is going to wait until the third date to ask, “Hey, are you okay with spanking and bondage?” It’s just not going to happen.

Whether the dynamic is romantic, play based, or for discipline, the activities you really want to be doing together, won’t happen in public. And there is often a push, on both sides, to get to those scenes because they are the core base of the relationship. And you will never really know if there is the right kind of chemistry with someone until you do a scene with them.

But even when the actual physical elements don’t happen for a while, the exposure of who you are, as a person, still tends to happen faster than it does in a vanilla relationship. In order to find out if you’re a compatible kink match, you’re often required to start sharing very intimate parts of yourself almost from the beginning.

After all… if your most needed kink is on their hard no list… it’s not going to work out.

A first date conversation for a regular romantic couple might involve what kind of movies you like to watch. What kind of music you like. But for a potential D/s relationship those first conversations can look very different.

“How much experience do you have with bondage?” “What are your top three favorite kinks?” “What are some fantasies you’d like to explore?”

As you can see, there is an automatic upgrade in intimacy when you’re starting right off the bat with things you wouldn’t normally talk about casually. Because you are making yourself vulnerable so early in the relationship, it can either end things quickly or escalate them so that you feel like you’ve known each other much longer than you really have.

And there are some risks that come with that. When you know someone’s private fantasies, you think you know them, but people are more complex than this. Matching kinks doesn’t mean a compatible relationship, and trusting too soon can cause other problems later.

That’s why it’s so important to watch out for the red flags. They are often there in the early stages; we just tend to ignore them. If you can look past the honeymoon glow now and then, you’ll save yourself some pain later.

Getting to know someone that you’re considering a dynamic with… it’s different. It’s faster and deeper, because the Top is trying to figure out what you need from them. And the bottom is trying to figure how much they can trust you. And if you’re versatile… well there’s just a lot going on for you.

So much of D/s is about mindgames, and mindgames don’t work unless you dip below the surface. The Top needs to pull back layers of walls and shields to see the soft vulnerable bits underneath, because that’s where the real person is. Without that vulnerability you lose a lot of the point of a D/s dynamic.

Some Tops, especially Doms, are really good at being intuitive. They can read a bottom and get a sense of what will work on them, right from the beginning. But instincts only take you so far, listening and exploring are where you’re going to learn who the sub is at a primal level, and it takes work and trust on both sides to get there.

For a bottom this is the magic time. Not only is someone doing all these amazing things to excite your body—maybe without even touching you. But aside from the excitement there is also that feeling of safety, of being protected and treasured.

Those first weeks/months are exhilarating. Even simple conversation can drive you crazy, which is everything you want in a kinky partnership.

You also tend to look past any flaws or mistakes without even noticing them. And when you do notice…it can be really hard to pump the brakes.

But that’s exactly what you should do. In fact, even if you don’t catch any red flags, you should occasionally brake check anyway. It’s okay to enjoy yourself… just remember to slow things down so you can catch your breath and take a critical look at how things are going.

There are a lot of decisions to be made during those early stages. Pausing the excitement now and then to have some conversations can be a big help. And I don’t mean dirty talking and teasing each other with fantasies.

I mean sitting down for serious talks about limits, desires, the type of dynamic you’re each looking for, needs, wants, endgame plans. These conversations are a great early indicator that things just won’t work out. But when they go well, it’s often a very quick transition from thinking about a relationship to actually being in one…but holding back on any formal commitment is a good idea.

Listen, we’ve all been there. You feel the spark. The scenes are exactly what you want. Conversations make it seem like you’re going in the same direction. You want to drop to your knees and submit. You want to ask that subby to be yours. You’re willing to promise to be the Daddy/Mommy that the Little has always dreamed of.

But before you sign up for the long haul, you want to be sure. Try before you buy. Hold off on any official collaring activities. Hold off on thinking of this as a permanent relationship. Wait until you get through the honeymoon phase and have settled down in reality, before you make any formal commitments, because for some reason it hurts a lot more when you get used to thinking of someone as ‘mine’.

When the initial excitement begins to wane… that’s when you start to see whether this is a true match.

Because, as sad as it is, what often happens is that suddenly, out of nowhere, things change. Sometimes your partner starts to grow distant. Everything was perfect, until the cracks appear and you realize you don’t know this person as well as you should. The person you’ve been spending every moment with (either online, by text, or in person) might even vanish without a word.

That’s a place you don’t want to be in. Anyone who’s dealt with it can tell you how brutally painful it is, so keep an eye out for those early red flags. I’ve already mentioned a few of these, but let’s talk about some other things you might notice too.

Are you entertainment or a partner?

Your partner only wants to play, and doesn’t want to have those important conversations. Typically, that means either they don’t care what you want/need, or they don’t plan on being around long enough for it to matter.

If they only want to talk about kinky stuff and never about regular life stuff, that can be a sign that they want a kink-only relationship and aren’t interested in all of you. That’s not necessarily a red flag as long as it’s what you want too. The problem is when you think you’re getting into an ‘everything’ relationship, and they think they are getting an exclusive playmate.

As in any relationship, you should both be eager to learn about each other. Kinky stuff is really important, but if you want a broader relationship, you need more than just chemistry. A relationship is not the same thing as having a kink partner on speed dial.

Do they listen?

How well they actually listen to what you say is also an indicator. Did you express doubts, soft limits, or fears, and they ignored it? Did you express a desire to explore certain things and somehow they never get around to it? Is what they want always first on the list?

Keep your eyes open.

You have to trust, to some extent, to play with someone at all, but you don’t have to put all of your trust in someone until you’re ready.

If they aren’t willing to let you keep all the safety precautions you need to feel safe… then that is a red flag right out of the gate.

You still make a safety call and give your location to a friend a month in and they are getting mad about it? A real partner wants you to feel comfortable, anything else is a red flag.

And you can give situational trust, with safeguards, without giving everything until you’re ready. Trust isn’t all or nothing. It can be given in degrees.

Take your time.

I’ve already mentioned a lot of good reasons to go slow, but here’s one I didn’t talk about: an abuser will wait until you relax before springing things on you, but… they get impatient and a lot of times will slip up if you hold things to a slower pace.

The longer things drag out, the more likely you are to see the real them.

Mistakes.

Don’t excuse small misunderstandings—talk them out. Find out how they happened and what went wrong. This is important, because it’s easy to say “Oops, sorry, I misunderstood,” and a lot harder to actually explain what you thought was meant, or why you interpreted it wrong.

More importantly, once you fully discuss it… if it happens again, then you know it was not a misunderstanding.

Wait until the honeymoon is over.

Above all… remember that the real relationship doesn’t start until the honeymoon ends. You don’t know the person you are with, until the shiny wears off and that can take some time.

This doesn’t mean you can’t play or have fun. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy everything a D/s dynamic has to offer. But it does mean that you should try to hold a little of yourself back until then, until you know for sure.

It’s not easy, especially from the submissive side, to hold back. There is an instinctive need for many submissives to open themselves wide to the Dominant, and you can do that, but you’re a lot less likely to get hurt if you do it slowly.