Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Three): Red Flags

In the first part of this series we discussed how the Scene has changed positively with the past couple of generations coming in, and how popular media has also changed things. We discussed abusive dynamics and why it’s a good idea to avoid them.

You can find the whole article here: Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part One)

In part two we talked about abusers, important questions to ask of a new Dominant, and conversation techniques you can use to make sure you’re talking to someone who will be healthy for you.

You can find the whole article here: Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Two) Important Questions and Conversation Techniques

Now we’re going to discuss red flags. The hard part here isn’t always spotting red flags… sometimes it’s acting on them. I think most of us know a warning when we see it. If not the first one, then by the third or fourth we’re definitely starting to be aware of a pattern.

Read more: Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Three): Red Flags

We get that anxious feeling, that cold pit in our stomach that is warning us to walk away.

But too often the lure of a magnetic Dom draws us back in. We make excuses. We give the benefit of the doubt. We pretend that nothing is wrong. We listen to the words instead of watching the actions.

So the most important thing here, is to believe that warning feeling when it comes. Act on it. Ask for proof, clarify things, or just walk away—but do something.

For those who aren’t just submissive at certain times but have a submissive personality in general, this can be very hard. Standing up for yourself isn’t easy at all, but you can do it and you have to. Learning to protect yourself from abuse is a valuable skill everyone needs to have, and even if you find a great Top who is very protective, being able to take care of yourself is still essential.

Let me start by saying that many red flags will vary depending on your needs. What is a red flag for you might be fine for someone else. So if the Dom triggers a few flags and you walk away, that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with them, other than them not being your match. This does depend on what the flags are, because there are some that are universal signs of danger.

When we start talking about red flags, there are going to be a lot of things that can cue you in you’re not dealing with a Dominant who will be good for you. Your single best warning is still going to be your own feelings. And like I said earlier, you need to pay attention and not dismiss them.

But even so, sometimes these internal warnings can be confused for normal nervous jitters. They can come up because of your own past baggage. They can even come up because the Dom is also new and nervous. Doms get jitters too don’t forget, and people aren’t always at their best when they are nervous.

I find that the best way to separate them out, to know if you’re just nervous because new relationships can be scary, is to sit down and approach things logically. It might sound dumb, but I will even occasionally fall back on a positive/negative list.

Positive: She makes me feel special.
Negative: Some of the things she wants from me are scary.

Positive: I really want to try the things he’s suggesting.
Negative: Those things seem really intense, and I feel like he’s pushing me too fast.

It’s not about whether there are more positives versus negatives on your lists. It’s about listing out each thing you see so you can really look at them. One red flag can be dismissed as nerves on either, or both, sides. But a whole list of them should make you seriously consider where you’re going with this.

In the beginning of a relationship, there will usually be light conversation, maybe some flirting, as you get to know each other. It’s normal to be slow to approach the deep topics. Serious conversations can be heavy and difficult to bring up, especially if you’re afraid of ruining the new vibe.

But eventually the harder topics need to be discussed. Once you’re both feeling comfortable together and starting to consider things like meeting in person, and before considering an actual relationship (either in person or at a distance), or even exchanging phone numbers and real contact info… then it’s time to have some real talk.

Now, in the last part we discussed conversation techniques and questions to ask, so that’s where you’re going to start. If there are red flags and warnings, they should begin popping up as you talk, but sometimes it can take awhile until they feel comfortable enough to relax and let you see the real them.

That’s why it’s better to ask questions slowly, easing them into conversation and drawing out the answers in a casual, not confrontational way. People answer differently if they feel like they are being tested than they do in casual chatter.

But let’s have a look at some red flags or warning that come up commonly and I’ll give you a little context with them because anything can look like a warning without context.

You: I’m looking for a 24/7 D/s relationship. I like to be dominated in the bedroom, but I also want more than that. A complete relationship is important to me.
Them: What are your dirtiest sexual fantasies? Does being dominated turn you on? How turned on are you just talking about this? How would you feel if I shoved my cock in your mouth and made you suck?

If you keep trying to guide the conversation back to discussing a whole D/s relationship and they continually bring up sexual questions that is a red flag. If you’re trying to discuss limits, needs, goals and they continually push back to sex it’s a red flag.

For some people D/s is all about sex, and that’s fine if they are honest about it. But abusers will pretend to be what you’re looking for, so they can get sex.

You: Should we talk about safewords?

Them: You don’t need a safeword, honey. I’m good at this. I’ll know when you hit your limit.

Safewords should be discussed and used in a new situation, but even aside from that, if the submissive is asking to talk about safewords and the Top is dismissing it and saying you don’t need them… run.

You: I like you, but I’ve been hurt before, and I really want to take this slow.

Them: Don’t you trust me? I’m not going to hurt you like those other dudes.
Them: We can take it slow. (But then proceeds to keep trying toward the next step anyway.)

Them: I don’t know. I’m feeling a real connection to you. If you want to take it slow maybe you’re not feeling it… maybe this isn’t meant to be…

Hinting that they will move on to someone else if you are taking too long is blatant manipulation and a major red flag. Relationships should only move ahead and when everyone is read.

You: I definitely know I’m kinky, but I’m just not sure if I’m a sub. It’s hot, but I could see myself in a lot of roles.

Them: Once we meet, trust me, you’ll want to be on your knees.

Some Doms think that once you meet them your own needs/wants will vanish because you are overwhelmed with their Domliness. They also think they can push you into the role they want you to be in. This is a red flag and a sign of insecurities.

We all have insecurities and Tops are no different, but if they are pushing us to control others then it’s a problem.

Our fantasies don’t define us. Many people fantasize about one role, but for many reasons don’t actually like to be in that role. Women, for instance, commonly fantasize about having control taken from them, but are quite dominant in real life and won’t let someone else be in charge of them.

You: I love the idea of being spanked, but I’m not a sub. I think I’m more of a brat.

Them: I know how to deal with brats. A few weeks under my authority and you won’t be acting up anymore.

There is nothing wrong with being a brat. It’s a role in the scene that many choose in the beginning because it’s comfortable and familiar. It reminds us of being a kid and getting disciplined for breaking rules. Some people grow in new directions and others never do.

The counterpart to a brat is a Brat Tamer. They love and enjoy brats because they are brats, and know better than to think they can force you out of that role. They tame a brat by settling them down and getting them to follow the rules sometimes, while being fully aware that they will remain a brat, and continue to need plenty of discipline to keep them in line.

Any variation of trying to imply that you are wrong about your role, and they will help you see the light is a red flag. It comes up a lot with submissives who know they don’t want to be slaves too.

And speaking of this need to push people into other roles… we have variations of red flags that involve someone presenting themselves as a Dom when they actually are bottoms themselves, or versatile with a strong lean towards bottom.

Dominant women are harder to find, and submissive men can be wily about trying to get submissive into a Top role.

You: I’m a total sub. I can’t picture myself topping anyone.

Them: Really? I bet you could with some guidance. Maybe we could try it sometimes just for fun. You never know you might end up being a real Domme.

Listen, I know a lot of people who started out thinking they were pure sub, and then learned topping can be fun. People grow in the scene. They learn new things about themselves all the time.

And besides that, many people who are mostly Dom or identify as Dom do on rare occasions switch with people they trust. There is catharsis in submission. But that’s not what this is.

Don’t start a relationship under a false pretense. Someone pretending to be a Dom and then sneaking this in makes it clear that they have an agenda. If you’re looking for someone to switch with than make it clear. If you’re mostly Dom but hope to find someone who won’t mind topping you now and then, make it clear.

I think that’s enough examples to give you an idea of what to look for in the earlier stages of conversation. The next set of red flags are going to pop up when you start moving to the deeper. Before you consider meeting someone offline you should know a lot more about them…

Unless you are planning a public place or party situation type meeting. It’s perfectly fine to want to meet and put a face to the chat without being ready to give out your home address and your relatives names. I do recommend a public meeting first anyway, but I’m aware that’s not always possible, especially when one of you is traveling from far away.

No one is flying over from another country just to meet for coffee at Starbucks and I get that. And I encourage even more advance diligence so there are no surprises when you arrive.

You: So, we’ve been talking a lot and things are getting serious. Can you add me to your Facebook? (Or any variations of social media.)

Facebook isn’t as popular as it used to be, but most people still have one and it’s the easiest social media to find out if someone has been lying to you. Maybe you’ve been talking on Twitter all this time, but we all know Twitter makes it very easy to hide who you are with any random name and no personal info required. Getting on FB is a lot more helpful.

Them: I don’t have any Social Media. (Or any other social media accounts)

This isn’t necessarily a Red Flag. Some people don’t like SM and they avoid it. However, in this day it’s rare they don’t have any. If they say they don’t have one, but you have their full name, check anyway.

Many a submissive has found out her Dominant online boyfriend is married with kids that way. Beyond what info is available, check their posts, and then check what they ‘like’ too. Sometimes people will like some really unpleasant groups/pages/posts without actually putting them on their own feed for people to judge.

If you’ve been talking on IG, Twitter, TikTok you should still take a look at what they’re liking and commenting on.

Them: Oh, I don’t use them much.

That’s okay. They can still add you and you should suggest that. It’s perfectly fine for them to set boundaries about what/when you can interact with them on SM. Maybe they don’t want to be outed in front of their parents and high school teachers—and they can set those boundaries, but if they have SM and won’t add you… that to me is a red flag that they are hiding something.

A caveat here… if they just aren’t ready to share their full real name, and personal info with you that is okay. It’s absolutely fine, but if they aren’t being honest about that being the reason then it’s an issue. If they aren’t ready for that then it’s also not time to be talking about next steps.

Them: Okay, but listen… my family is on there and they don’t know I’m kinky so please be careful what you say.

Not a red flag. This is setting boundaries in a healthy way.

Them: Okay, but you should know I use a different name here, so it won’t match.

Also not a red flag.

Many people don’t jump into kink using their real legal name and I think it’s obvious why. It is a big sign of trust that they are allowing you to know their real name and access a more personal part of their life. No matter how the relationship goes after that, do not abuse their trust.

Now, how about red flags that pop up once you are actually considering a face-to-face meeting?

You: I’d prefer to meet in public the first time, so we can see how things feel. Maybe coffee?

Them: Oh, do we really need that? I already feel like we’ve been together for years and I was kind of hoping we could get a hotel room and play a little.

Definitely a red flag. The only caveat would be if they are traveling from far away. Let’s be realistic the expense and time of crossing the country to meet up is not going to be satisfied with a cup of coffee. If one or both of you will be traveling, I suggest being even more careful to be sure of who they are up front.

You: So, we’re meeting next week and I’m going to set up a safe call with some friends. I wanted to let you know I’ll be sending them a picture of you and your license plate number for safety.

Them: Wow… if you don’t trust me maybe we shouldn’t meet at all.

Any response from them that makes you feel bad for taking normal safety precautions is a big red flag. And I highly advocate letting them know about your safety precautions in advance, just so you don’t waste your time with someone who would do this.

A Dom should never discourage a sub/bottom/Little/brat from keeping themselves safe and I would never trust one who tried. There are lots more red flags out there waiting, but hopefully this covers some of the basic ones.

I’m going to wrap up with some safety advice. Before you meet someone from online in person:

  • Make sure that you are ready and not being pushed into a meeting too soon.
  • Vet them if possible. If you have shared friends, ask about them.
  • Know their real name and as much about who they are as you can.
  • Exchange phone numbers and e-mail addresses.
  • Make a clear and concise plan to meet in public first. Even if one of you is traveling you can still meet in public in a visible place, before going somewhere private.

This gives you a chance to at least make sure some of the basics they’ve told you are true. Age, basic physical description, and just the general vibe you get from them are things you can check in public. Listen to your instincts! If there are warning signals you may then rethink going anywhere with them.

  • Make a safety plan. Plan to check in with friends frequently, on a schedule, and then set up alarms on your phone to remind you to call them. Or have your friends call you at a scheduled time. Make sure your ringer is on so no one ends up panicking.

Texts can be faked from your phone, so either make sure the checks are by voice or establish codewords in advance that you would use in your text. Just don’t establish those codewords in the text where someone could scroll up and read what they are.

  • Let people know where you are going and who you will be with. Provide them with the contact info for the person you are meeting. If anything happens, which is unlikely, but always a risk, the police can use that to track them down.

If you are flying, then make sure your friend has your flight info too.

  • Take a picture of the person you are going to meet and send it to your friend when you arrive. A nice couple selfie also works.

On a personal note I will say that I’ve met probably three hundred people in real life that I first knew online. Most of them have been exactly what they said they were, and it’s all been perfectly safe. Most of the time these meet-ups happened in a group, or at a party or event so many precautions were built in.

Occasionally they didn’t. I’ve had people fly in and picked them up the airport to stay at my house. Or they’ve driven directly to my house. None of these were people I just met. All of them were people I had known for many months or years.

I also knew I wasn’t alone in the house, so the risk was fairly small. You need to minimize your risks in whatever way you find necessary, and no one should make you feel bad about that.

Now, I have addressed this all to the bottom part of the equation, because as we’ve discussed, they are statistically more likely to be the ones abused. And also statistically it’s more likely to be a male Top abusing a female sub… however, you don’t want to be one of those rare outliers.

Any gender can be abusive. Any gender can be abused. And yes, I’ve seen situations where the ‘submissive’ ended up being the abuser.

Situationally it tends to present a little different, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because it all goes out the window if the person you are talking to has been lying about who and what they are.

So, please bear in mind that safety precautions shouldn’t only be for the submissive. And subs… if the Dom you’re meeting says they need info for their own safety precautions, and you make them feel stupid for it… then you don’t belong in the scene.

If you want their real name, you need to give yours. If you want their phone number, then you should be offering your own. If they want a safety call then you will nod and smile, because safety is for everyone.

One last time: Safety is for everyone, and you are not less dominant for taking precautions to keep yourself safe.

This is the third piece of this series and I think I’ve covered most of it. Did I leave anything out? Anything you think I should add to the series? Any personal situations to share?

Feel free to like and comment, and as always you can send me an email if you need some level of privacy!

Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Two): Important Questions and Conversation Techniques

In part one we discussed how the Scene has changed positively with the past couple of generations coming in, and how popular media has also changed things, not always for the positive. We discussed abusive dynamics and the damage they can cause to your future relationships.

You can find the whole article here: https://kessilylewel.com/2023/01/06/exploring-a-kink-relationship-safely-part-one/

Now we’re going to discuss important questions you should be asking in the very early stages of talking with a potential play partner, as well as how you should be bringing up these questions to get the most honest results.

Read more: Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Two): Important Questions and Conversation Techniques

The last thing you want is to fall for an abusive or wanna-be Dom who will hurt you before you have a chance to even explore kink. Remember, the best way to minimize relationship trauma is to avoid it from the start. So, what we aim to do here is help you steer clear of big old red flags.

First, I’d like to take a minute to clarify some terms. A wanna-be Dom is one who is pretending to be a Dominant specifically to attract subs. They know very little about being a Dom outside of what they saw in a movie and are using those fictional trappings as a mask they can hide behind.

Some of them are looking for power. Some are looking for a sex slave. The idea of a sub who has to submit to their every dirty demand in the bedroom is hot and they’ll pretend to be whatever to get that.

That’s absolutely abusive. They are abusers, but that is a different kind of abuse from a Dominant who does know the Scene, does know what they are doing, and has chosen to force submissives to follow his very narrow and unhealthy ideas of what a sub should be.

The second type of abuser is often harder to identify. You can’t trip them up easily by asking simple questions. They know the correct answers and will give them, and only change their tune later once they’ve reeled you in.

I do not consider Master/slave dynamics, or TPE dynamics to be abusive by nature. No matter how heavily the power is weighted on the Dom side, I do assume that this is something that was fully discussed, agreed on, and wanted by the submissive/slave.

But the Dom/Master/ etc should not pretend to want a milder form of kink, only to flip things around once you have formed a relationship. Sure, sometimes things can go deeper and get more intense gradually in a D/s dynamic, but saying “Oh, yes safewords and aftercare are so important” and then later “You’ll get what I give you, slave!” is bait and switch.

The intensity of Master/slave and TPE dynamics is not something I would ever recommend for someone new to the scene. It is a lot. I’ve lived it and it’s hard. No Master should be courting a brand new submissive and trying to push them into a role that is so constricting.

And there are those who prey on new submissives who don’t have any experience or understand what their options are. They accept what they are told because it sounds exciting. And then later are not sure what to do when everything gets darker and colder than they had expected.

These Dominants specifically target the inexperienced (and sometimes younger) subs for this reason—because an experienced sub would understand that they have rights, and if they agree to something and don’t get it, then they will leave. An abuser Dom isn’t going to tell you what rights you have and if you don’t know that’s better for them.

So, your first defense, as a submissive, is going to be learning. And don’t just go to one blog, or read one opinion on things. There are so many ways to kink responsibly, and you need to know that you have choices in everything.

Get out there and investigate the world of kink from an education perspective before you actually try playing. If you have friends involved in the Scene, talk to them. Ask their opinions and listen to their experience.

Join groups and watch the conversations. Look around and learn before you dive into anything. And then wait, take your time. You have your whole life to play, so make sure your first experiences are healthy and safe.

That’s going to be hard, maybe the hardest part. Kink is seductive, especially when you’ve had fantasies for years and are finally on the verge of getting to explore them. But my best advice will always be to take your time and don’t jump in before you’re ready.

It will also help if you have a good idea of what you want and need to start with. Your want list will probably change as you experience and grow, but if you know what your own needs are, the things you must have in a relationship, that will help weed out the abusers right from the start.

And when you do begin talking to Doms and considering relationships, what you want to do is ask questions and listen—more than you talk. This is going to be important, because an abuser will simply agree with your needs. They’ll nod and smile and say ‘of course, that’s important! I always do that with my subs,’.

That’s what you want to hear, of course, it sounds perfect. So ask them first. Get their own thoughts, and not what they think you want to hear in order to get to you. You’ll learn a lot more that way.

Phrasing it like a rapid-fire pop quiz, is probably not the best way to handle the question phase either. If they know they are being tested, they will just lie. So, instead, work things into the conversation. You’re super interested in their wise Domly thoughts, and you will simply be guiding the conversation to the important areas.

During that tim,e you can slip in the questions now and then, casually. They will probably ask you questions too, and be interested in your answers, but whenever possible try to keep your answers brief while drawing them out to talk more—this is just in the beginning, until you get a sense of who they are.

Listen to what they are saying, not what you want to hear. Don’t give them the benefit of the doubt on a dodgy answer, instead, press them gently for more information if you are worried about something.

There are dozens of questions you can ask, and even more variations on those to make them apply to you specifically. This is just a few, very basic, ideas, but you should come up with your own list, and write them down before you get interested in someone.

Your brain works better when it’s in logic-mode and not in sub-mode. Stick to the script going in.

Questions to ask a potential Doms:
1. Have you had a submissive/Little/bottom/brat/ etc before?

Being new is fine, but being honest about inexperience shows you a lot about a person’s morals and ethics. You can learn together, but not if they are going to pretend to know what they are doing.

2. How did those relationships go? What was your favorite part?

This gives them a chance to highlight some of their experience without making it sound like a job interview. It will also allow them to discuss problems they had, and things they really enjoyed, which will help you to know if you’re compatible.

3. What kind of Dom are you?

They could answer with a type (Daddy, Master, Brat Tamer, etc) or they could answer with an intensity level (Soft/Hard/) or even with some vaguer adjectives (Caring, loving, strict) all of that would help you to get a feel, and then you could clarify if you wanted different info.

4. What do you like about being a Dominant?

Again, a question that will tell you a lot. If all they have to talk about is how sexy and hot it is, etc, then you know that this is a bedroom Dom. Is that what you’re looking for?

5. What do you think a Dom’s responsibilities are to their sub?

This will give you a good idea if they are the Dom for you. It’s a very specific and defining question and it will tell you how much they expect to do in a relationship.

If they start talking about protecting, educating, expanding your horizons, setting up rules– anything like that then this is a Dom who is expecting to impact your whole life, not just your sex life. It’s important to know what sphere of influence a Dom wants to have, before you get involved because it’s about basic compatibility.

6. What are some of your favorite kinks? BDSM activities?

Are you compatible in the things you want to explore and try? It’s entirely possible for two kinky people to be together and have kinks that don’t align, but when you’re in the early stages and you are looking to them to help you explore, you need someone who is interested in the same basic kinks.

7. How do you use safewords?

Do they like individual words? Do they like a stoplight system? Do they let the sub decide?

I am a believer in RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and if you’ve followed me for a while, you know we’ve discussed safewords a lot. And you know that not all D/s dynamics involve safewords, as a mutually consented decision.

But a new situation should always have them on the table. Even if you’re both experienced but the relationship is new, you should have them. If you are new, and with someone new the conversation of safewords must come up.

Additionally, the decision of an experienced player to not use them, in certain situations, with people they trust and know well, should always come from the bottom, not the Top. The bottom is the one accepting the physical risk. So, if you’re talking to a new Dom and they don’t think safewords are necessary and important… that will tell you a lot about your safety in their hands.

This is one of those situations where you want to walk away.

8. What do you think is important for aftercare?

They might give you a list of things. They might just say they go by what the sub needs, both of those are fine. If they seem blank and don’t really have an answer, then you should press deeper.

9. Is kink and domming only sexual for you? Or is it a lifestyle?

Very important for compatibility. Are you looking for a Dom or are you looking for a Dominant kinky lover? Big difference.

10. What would you like to see in a sub who belonged to you?

Do you match their expectations? Do you want to give the things they will expect?

11. Are you looking for a relationship beyond kink?

In the world of romance books, we mostly see sub and Dom fall in love, and have a monogamous relationship that ends up in marriage. In the real world plenty of people just want play partners. Or maybe they only want one partner in kink, but that doesn’t mean they want a romantic relationship aside from it.

This is a very basic compatibility question. And it’s okay to start with kink and see where things lead too, so they may not have a definitive answer on this, but you do want to know what the possibilities for the future are.

12. Important sex questions: Will sex be part of this relationship? Will sexual things be done as part of scenes? What do you consider sex?

I almost didn’t add this one, only because I knew it would get long, but it’s such an essential question that I really couldn’t leave it out, so I put it last instead. It’s a popular misconception that BDSM and Kink couples always have a sexual relationship, they don’t.

These questions don’t always need to be asked. It’s the kind of thing that will often come up fairly early because people who want sex with kink often can’t help talking about what a turn on the conversations are and what they want to do to each other because of it.

But if it doesn’t come up on its own, it’s probably something that needs to be discussed very early on. If you aren’t compatible on this issue, then it’s usually pointless to continue discussing a future.

There are plenty of people on the Ace spectrum who still love kink. There are Doms out there who want to dispense discipline but aren’t looking for sex. There are people who will have D/s dynamics with genders that don’t attract them sexually. (I’ve had gay Doms.)

There are subs who are looking for a parental kind of Dom to help them, but don’t want a kinky lover. And on top of that there are people who are already in romantic relationships. They are looking to have a very specific need filled and sex isn’t it.

They might get turned on during kink. They might like certain aspects of kink that border a sexual line, like: buttplugs, ginger play, orgasm denial, pussy spanking, and nipple clamps but don’t consider them sex.

They might consider those things to be discipline, not sex– while for you they feel very sexual. It’s a very basic compatibility issue and important to discuss.

**

Again, these are just some basic ideas for things you should ask. A lot of them are vague on purpose to offer multiple paths of conversation. And there are no wrong answers (most of the time), there are just answers that are not right for you.

If the Dom says they are only in it for the sexual thrill and keep their domming to the bedroom, but you are a service sub who needs a discipline relationship with rules and structure… well, that’s not going to work for you. For another sub, who prefers to only be dommed in the bedroom, that would be perfect.

The purpose of asking these questions is to find out if what they have to give is compatible with what you want in a kink relationship, while also being sure that they do know and understand a kink lifestyle and aren’t pretending to be more experienced than they are.

And another good reason to work the questions in slowly as you chat is that it’s easy to fake answers to a quick list of questions, but harder to fake it throughout long conversations. Anyone who is claiming to be an experienced Dom should be able to give you some decent answers to these questions and they should open up topics to discuss.

Now, while you should encourage them to talk in the early stages, and keep your own answers somewhat brief, that is just for a short time. Once you’ve started to confirm that they know what they are talking about and gotten a sense that you’re possibly compatible then you need to start offering more.

The Dom also has a need to learn about you. They will have their own questions and will be looking for answers to make their own judgment on the possibility of moving forward.

It does feel a bit one-sided at first, because you are trying to protect yourself, but realistically, again, abusers who are attracted to BDSM are mostly going to present themselves as Dominants. That’s where the obvious appearance of power is in a kink dynamic.

A caring and responsible Dom will understand you taking precautions and needing to protect yourself by moving forward slowly. If they keep pushing you to open up immediately, to spill all your ‘deepest fantasies’ before you’ve even gotten to know them, that would read as a red flag to me.

And speaking of red flags… that deserves a whole chapter of its own. So, we will be visiting that topic next in Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely (Part Three): Red Flags

We’ll probably skip next week because I’ll have other things to post and I’ll aim at going live with part three at the end of the month. Until then, stay safe out there!

Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely— Part One

This is going to be a multi-part series. I’m not sure how many parts there will be yet, but at least three because it’s gotten long and detailed.

Some of this may seem basic to those of you who have been playing for a long time, but if nothing else, it might show you how things have changed since you entered your first kinky dynamic.

The newer generations of adults are learning about kink earlier and getting involved in playing earlier too. This includes Millennials, the youngest of which are at least twenty-six now, and the oldest members of Generation Z who have been adults for five or six years already.

A lot of things have changed and will continue to change as they come in. Overall I think the updates have been good. There is more focus on safety and conversation than there used to be.

And just to be clear… the BDSM world as a whole has always pushed for safety. The Millennials didn’t invent this coming in. Safewords have been around for a long time.

But… previous generations and elder Millennials didn’t have the same access to learning materials that we have now. When people logged online in the early 90’s there weren’t hundreds of lifestyle blogs around where they could get the facts. And the sexuality section at the local bookstore was restricted to like… three books (Which we’ll discuss soon!)

Continue reading “Exploring a Kink Relationship Safely— Part One”

Time Management and Organization Help for Scattered Subs and Littles

A Submissive's Rules

For a lot of us in D/s relationships where there are rules and discipline, time management and all the issues that go along with it seem to be a big thing. I know one of the issues I struggle with the most is being self-motivating. I’m just not.

That’s always been one of the things I most need from a Dom, because once I get going, I’m a powerhouse for work—but getting started… well, that’s another story. I am absolutely an example of the First law of Physics. Object at rest stays at rest; object in motion stays in motion.

Read more: Time Management and Organization Help for Scattered Subs and Littles Continue reading “Time Management and Organization Help for Scattered Subs and Littles”

Aftercare Is a Choice

Okay, let me start right from the beginning by clarifying the title. Aftercare is a choice for the submissive. Doms should always check in with a sub after scenes in some way and be ready to provide any care needed. That’s just part of responsible Domming.

This might be physical care if some first aid or physical assistance is required. It might be emotional care if the scene was intense.

Continue reading “Aftercare Is a Choice”