Relationships – Page 3 – Musings of a Chaotic Mind

October 11, 2024September 25, 2024

DOM, DOMME, OR DOMINATRIX?

Let’s talk about the FemDom side of BDSM.

There are a lot of Dominant women in the BDSM world, more every year, I’d say. I was lucky that some of my earliest events were run by women, so I started off thinking it was entirely normal to have a large number of female Dominants around.

I later found that to be a little misleading. They are there… but typically at most events and clubs I find the number of male Dominants vastly outweighs the female. This, along with… shall we say, ‘historical views on women’ means that sometimes the female Doms don’t get as much respect as they should.

September 27, 2024September 16, 2024

DON’T MENTION YOU’RE KINKY UNTIL AFTER THREE DATES?? ARE YOU SERIOUS??

sky background with question marks that says Umm... what?

I waffled over the title of this one for a while, but you’ll see in a minute why I chose this.

There was a time when most people had to hide kink, even from their spouses. That obviously led to marrying vanilla people because…well, they didn’t talk about it before they were married. Sometimes you got lucky and found out later you were both kinky.

Usually you didn’t.

That led to an eventual choice for many people: sneak around to get your needs met, try to convert a vanilla spouse to kinky, or deny those needs for the length of your marriage. When I was still new to the scene, I met a lot of people who were just trying out the lifestyle in their 50’s, because they were widowed and finally free to do so.

I think we can all agree that no one wants to go back to that.

However, some recent posts and comments I’ve seen in a Facebook group took me by surprise. There seems to be an idea there, that when trying to date someone it is disrespectful to bring up kink until later, perhaps after multiple dates. I believe this is because they equate BDSM with sex and are trying to keep potential dates from making things sexual too early.

July 26, 2024July 20, 2024

THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 2/2- LETTING YOUR SUBMISSIVE SIDE HELP

Black and grey background with the words: Learning Safely.

Last week we talked about basic skills that can help you learn to say no to people in your life. These are the basic tools that you can use anywhere, in any situation, and are just, in general, really good things to practice.

Today we’re going to focus more specifically on the BDSM side of things, but keep in mind that the skills in Part One can still be helpful in kink situations because they are easily adaptable. This part is just more BDSM centered and is going to be more nuanced.

I’ve always said that BDSM can help your life if you are engaged in healthy dynamics, and this is another aspect of that. It might sound counterintuitive, but your submissive inclinations can be used to keep you from spreading yourself too thin.

Part Two— Letting your submissive side help.

We’re going to talk about some different mindsets that might help you focus on your decisions, so you’re not obeying on autopilot. The goal is for you to make the choice to submit, and I’m going to be honest, submission feels more satisfying when you choose to do it.

THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 1/2

(Note: I had intended for this to be one piece, but it’s a difficult issue and it’s gone much longer than I had planned. So I’m breaking it in half and Part One and Part Two will be posted in consecutive weeks.)

Saying no is an important part of setting personal boundaries, and as we all know, boundaries and limits are essential for a healthy life, and not just in the Scene. It’s a skill that you will need in all aspects of your life.

But many of us with submissive personalities have trouble with this. It runs contrary to our basic nature. While it’s natural for most people to decline things they don’t want to do… for submissives it’s a whole different level of difficulty.

D/s Relationships Can Be As Healthy, Or Even Healthier Than Regular Romantic Relationships

Does it sound strange to hear that? It shouldn’t.

I think that some people tend to assume D/s relationships are always bordering on unhealthy. That the attraction to this kind of lifestyle is the ‘darkness and danger’ inherently expected in any activity out of the mainstream. They confuse the excitement and thrill of kink with wanting a lifestyle on the edge.

And don’t get me wrong, there are risks in many of the heavier aspects of BDSM. But those are the activities we do, not the relationships we have. We can choose to participate in a scene that has elements of risk, while wanting a totally healthy and safe dynamic with our partners.