Relationships – Page 4 – Musings of a Chaotic Mind

April 26, 2024April 25, 2024

When Boundaries and Limits Conflict

So, a couple weeks ago, we talked about whether withholding affection was abusive or not. The topic came up, as many do here, because of a question I saw online. In this case, there was a book scene where the Daddy withheld affection from the Little as punishment, and it seemed abusive to some readers.

I covered that topic pretty thoroughly, I think, and you can read it here: Is Withholding Affection as Punishment Abuse?

But to sum it up… it really depends on the people involved and what their limits are. It’s easy to view things through a lens of our own experiences, but what looks like abuse to you… might be perfectly fine for someone else. Everyone tolerates different things.

I mentioned at the time that I had a perfect example of this, and I was going to discuss it in a separate post, because it combined well with another topic—and here we are.

April 12, 2024April 12, 2024

Is Withholding Affection As Punishment Abuse?

I want to start off by reminding you of something. A punishment (or any activity really) may be a limit for you. It might upset you to even think about someone receiving this punishment, because it triggers you. But that doesn’t mean the punishment itself is abusive or wrong.

Every relationship is different because people are different and what they can tolerate varies. So, punishments cannot be the same across the board. I know people who love to be spanked, but will not accept it as punishment.

I mean spanking is pretty much the most standard basic punishment you can think of in a D/s relationship… but for some people it’s a limit. Why? Well, in one case I know it’s because she loves spanking and doesn’t ever want it to be tainted with any negative feelings. It’s arousing and she wants it to stay that way.

March 22, 2024March 23, 2024

What Does It Mean to be Asexual and Kinky?

So, last month I released a new book with an Ace (asexual) main character: Lisa’s Unexpected Valentine’s Day. It’s something you don’t see in romance often, unfortunately, and it’s been on my mind for a while to write an ace character.

And what I discovered was that there are a lot of people out there who don’t really understand what asexuality is. It stirred up a lot of conversation on Facebook and I really enjoyed the discussions that came up because of the book. (Yay!) But I also realized that there are some big misconceptions out there too.

Definitions and misconceptions:

So, for those of you who aren’t familiar, asexual (Ace) means you have little to no interest in having sex with other people. Or you only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. But there’s a lot more to it than that, so let’s spell out some facts about being asexual.

The Definition of Kink Needs an Update

Black and grey background with the words: Learning Safely.

A kink is often described as a sexual activity that falls outside the norm. That is an inadequate definition, in my opinion, and needs to be modernized and updated.

Any BDSM educator will tell you that not everything we do in BDSM or in the ‘scene’ is sexual in nature, or a sexual turn on to both parties participating.

But there is no other way to really describe wanting/needing certain activities even when it doesn’t turn you on. There’s no other word to describe a love of bondage, spanking, etc other than calling it a kink… even though your need may not be sexual in nature.

No Limits

I saw a series of memes going by on Facebook the other day that grabbed my attention for a second. Before I could read through them the page refreshed and took them away and they were gone, but it did remind me of something I want to talk about.

Limits.

Or rather… lack of limits.

But let’s start with the definition of a limit.

We have soft limits and hard limits, and the definitions are slightly different.