Aftercare in a Long-Distance Relationship

How do you do aftercare in a long-distance relationship?

This is a question that comes up now and then. More people than usual have found themselves in long-distance relationships over the past couple years. Maybe they never expected to be, but Covid forced the issue, so LD relationships have been a big topic.

I was asked about it again recently and I realized I hadn’t done a stand-alone blog post on the subject. I think there was some discussion on aftercare in the main Long-Distance D/s series I did, but it’s probably worth doing on its own.

So, how do you do aftercare when your partner is far away, and you can’t really touch them? Short answer: the same way you do everything else from a distance—with adaptations. The long answer is a little more complicated so let’s dive into it.

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So… Isn’t It Time for You to Do Some Relationship Maintenance?

It came on me out of the blue that it was time for this in my own life, so I’m passing it on to you. This serves as a reminder that if you want your relationships to last they should be fluid and able to change as you and your partners do.

That means your rules and relationship expectations need to be discussed too. Depending on how in flux your lives are that can mean having these discussions fairly often, but even if everything is stable and you’re content it’s still a good idea to pull things apart now and then. So….

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Spankables Around the House– Do You Really Need All the Expensive Toys?

Kink on a budget! A couple of months ago I received a comment and a question on one of the Long Distance posts regarding implements. The Dom was wanting to incorporate some spanking by direction and the sub was quite insistent that they didn’t have any spanking implements around and couldn’t afford to buy any.

I commented at the time, but added this to my list of future topics because I think it’s a pretty useful discussion. I apologize in advance to any naughty bottoms out there who were trying to say they have nothing to spank with. This post will probably prove you wrong and these things will mostly work for either in-person play or long-distance.

You see there are tons of really awesome companies out there right now making incredible implements. I drool just looking through them and I’m happy to recommend a few companies to you if you’re looking to spend money. That would probably make a nice post for the future so I’ll add it to the list.

But a spanking or discipline kink does not rely on spending large amounts of cash. Those highly polished implements are gorgeous, and everyone wants to play with the pretties, but for many people those kinds of toys are luxuries—expensive ones. And it’s really not necessary if money is tight.

Even If you have plenty of money, sometimes it’s fun to just go old school and search around the house for spankables/pervertables. These are normal household objects that can be turned into kink implements as needed. And we all have them. I guarantee there is not one house that has no spanking implements available, no matter what your sub/brat/ little tells you.

Now, it’s possible that they may not have something they feel comfortable using because of special circumstances. Fear of people hearing is a big problem for instance. If they have a house full of people and no privacy, then they need something very quiet which can be harder. And physical disabilities can lend extra difficulty sometimes.

But in most cases, there are things you can find around the house, or make, that are very cheap. I already did an article on one of my favorites, which solves the whole noise problem. The handmade Loop toy that you make out of window spline is fairly severe, and as quiet as a fan. It can be made for around five bucks or less and I have full instructions with pictures here: Silent Loopy Toy DIY.

 If we stick to a similar budget don’t forget that dowel rods or garden stakes are very cheap and can also be found in the hardware store and make decent canes. Canes are also quiet and since they come in a variety of lengths you can easily find them in the right size for a comfortable swing.

You do want to be careful with safety when it comes to pervertables. It’s not a huge danger most of the time, but remember that these have not been carefully made to be used on bare skin, but for rougher uses. If it’s meant for plants to climb on then splinters may not have been a concern, but that’s an easy problem to fix and preparing the implement is a time-tested way of putting a sub in the right headspace anyway.

So, spring for the sandpaper and have them sand down the rod until it’s perfectly safe. Use electrical tape to wrap the handle if you like. Adding a layer of polyurethane varnish can make the implement stingier while also protecting it from absorbing fluid or splintering. It might not be a fancy British cane with a curved handle but believe me, it will work well in a pinch.

I’ve always thought there was something fun and more real feeling about using regular household things to spank with. Yes, I adore the beautiful paddles and straps, but there’s something brutally real about a hairbrush or a big wooden kitchen spoon, isn’t there?

I’m willing to bet most spanking fans have already used plenty of things around the house to spank with, but hey, it’s possible that there are things you haven’t considered. It’s also possible that a reluctant sub isn’t going to look too hard for something to be punished with and it might be handy for you to have a list of specific items for them to find. I’m happy to organize some for you.

Remember that a sub can consent to punishment, can even want and need punishment, but still be reluctant or pouty when it comes time to get it. Punishment isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s embarrassing, and it hurts so dragging feet and pretending like there’s just nothing handy is pretty common.

As I list punishment tools, I’ll divide them up by room. I’ll also mention things that aren’t for spanking, but still can be good for punishment or just for having fun. I admit I’m just organizing them like this because it amuses me, and because I’ve played games of trying to find a different spanking item in every room of the house.

It’s like a fun little scavenger hunt of pain. Wheeee.

Hairbrush -Naturally this is always the first thing people consider. Plastic or wood it doesn’t matter as long as it has a flat back. If you don’t have the kind you can spank with, the nearest Dollar store will have plenty.

Hanger –The wire ones bend nicely into a decent shape to spank with and the wooden ones can work too.

Belts – Is there anything more squirmy than the sound of a belt being pulled through the loops? Most people will have some kind of belt around.

Edging – This isn’t an item, but definitely makes a great punishment. Use a vibrator on your sub or make them masturbate until they are just about to come and then make them stop. Repeat for maximum effect.

Candles— These days they make kink candles that are specifically designed to have low melt temperatures for safety and those are ideal—if you have access and can afford them. However, with some care and planning you can still use candles from a regular store. ALWAYS test before dripping directly on skin.

Look for soy or paraffin candles those are the safest for temperature. Paraffin will be hotter and will require more care and testing. Tapers or narrow candles will lead to much hotter wax drips, and possible burns. Some people like that, but if you don’t, then you want nice fat candles where the wax can pool and cool down before you pour it. You can also drip the candle wax from higher above the skin to cool it as it falls.

The lighter the candle the less hot typically so even though all the colors are pretty, when you’re using non-body candles it’s probably best to go with plain white.

Test test test to make sure the temperature isn’t too hot (and don’t forget to lay down a drop cloth first or you’ll regret the mess later.

Bathbrush – People still use these. They can often be found in Dollar stores too.

Cold showers – Believe it or not this can be a great physical punishment and no one else in the house will know. Be careful to limit it to short periods of time for health reasons. Usually just a minute or two.

Soap – Obviously a time-honored punishment for talking back or swearing. I’m not a huge fan of it given how many harsh chemicals are in it but it’s generally safe enough as long as it’s not swallowed. (Blech)


The kitchens in most houses are absolutely packed with fun spanky implements. You can barely turn around without bumping into something that could blister your butt. Obviously, we have the most common: wooden spoons, spatulas, cutting boards, batter scrapers. (The wood or plastic kind with handles which are oddly enough shaped exactly like a paddle.)

Bag clips— These make a handy substitution for nipple (or other places) clamps.

Ice – Can also be used as a punishment. Both internally or externally, but please be careful and limit exposure for safety. A lot of people like to insert ice and I’ve done it many times safely, but it can hurt if you aren’t careful.

If you do want to insert then start the melting process on the ice first, not only will that smooth rough edges, but it will also limit how long it’s inside before it is entirely melted, and it’s less likely to ‘stick’ to skin that way. To be even safer you can put it in a condom first. That will insulate some of the cold and make it less risky. Just be careful not to lose the condom inside.

Hot sauce – This one is another to be careful with but is fairly common. I find it safer than using soap since it’s at least designed to go in the mouth, but you really need to be careful of the sub’s tolerance for hot things and watch out for allergic reactions. A dab on the tongue is likely to be fine for most people as long as it’s not one of those ridiculously hot things like ghost pepper.

Some people do put the hot sauce on places a little more um… delicate. I wouldn’t personally recommend it, but please be very careful if you decide to try it. You should do several sensitivity tests at the very least before putting hot sauce anywhere near your delicate tissues.

Rice – This is an old punishment and a mean one. In some parts of the world people grew up experiencing this as children so they may be aware of it. It is a silent punishment so that part is handy for people worried about noise.

You pour uncooked rice on the floor and have the submissive kneel on it. Obviously, this is painful, and the hard little kernels press into the skin. You may want to specify that it should be a hard floor and not carpeted.

Again, care should be taken to limit how long they kneel. Typically, it’s a pain that goes away pretty quickly after they stand and it’s not likely to damage the skin if done in reasonable amounts of time, but subs who have knee pain may have trouble with this.


Rulers – These make a handy paddle when you need one.

Curtain or drapery rods – I’m not talking about what you hang the curtains on; I’m talking about the long acrylic rods that hang down so you can pull the drapes shut, or the ones you twist to close the blinds. They are commonly found in hotel rooms btw, so if you are traveling and need a quick Spanky item they are very handy!

Welcome Mats – I know what you’re thinking… Why would you have a welcome mat in your office? Well, okay this isn’t something you normally keep in there, but you do keep a desk chair in there. And a welcome mat placed on the seat of a desk chair is a pretty effective punishment.

It can be even more effective to combine the uncomfortable sitting with writing assignments which also work in the office.


I’m lumping in all the outdoor stuff and miscellaneous stuff in here. Some are things that don’t really fit in the regular rooms.

Paint stirrers– You can usually get these FREE at any hardware store and they can be nice and stingy (Thanks Nora!)

Garden stakes— These pretty much look exactly like canes. In fact, they are even made in bamboo sometimes and are sold in a variety of lengths. I’ve seen them as long as four foot. Get the unstained ones if you can. Although it was hilarious to have brownish red hands after using one, it took ages to get off. They typically aren’t meant for a lot of handling, so the stain isn’t sealed.

Electrical cord/extension cord – If you don’t have a belt this makes a fairly decent substitute, and you can get a lot of different effects depending on the thickness and how many times you loop it. Just be careful not to strike with the metal end. That part should be safely kept in the hand. This is also a good quiet toy.

Bungy cords—These are useful for a lot of things so people tend to have them around. They are stretchy cords with metal hooks at each end. But the fun Spanky part is that if you cut the hooks off, and then cut the outer cover off inside you’ll find tons of snappy rubber strands. This is what makes them stretch.

These can be made into a stingy flogger which is pretty quiet to use, not much louder than a fan. I’ve usually opened 2-3 bungy cords to get enough for this though they are packed very tightly inside so there’s more in each one then you’d think. You can wrap one end with electrical tape to make a handle so it’s a bit more sturdy.

Zip ties— These come in handy allll the time for many different things. Obviously, bondage is the first thing that comes to mind. Though I wouldn’t recommend putting them directly on the skin. I would wrap something around the skin first, or actually just use real bondage cuffs and use the zipties to fasten those to something where you want the sub to stay.

It’s not only safer for the skin but can be done in a way that the sub can release themselves by simply undoing the cuff in case of emergencies. I can tell you that when it comes to any kind of restraint on me, I insist on a way to release myself. If you’ve read or seen Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game, then you know exactly why.

But I am aware some people like the thrill of danger so all I can say is … be careful.

Speaking of bondage don’t forget that most homes have duct tape and electrical tape which can be handy for quick bondage. Again, please be careful of the skin. Some people are fine with ripping off the tape, but some people aren’t, or have fragile skin. You can always wrap the tape sticky side away from the skin so it sticks to itself and not you or your partner.

Game paddles— Lots of people have some kind of game that uses paddles. Like ping pong for instance. These are actually paddles so you can totally use them for kinky stuff, and not just for games. If you have kids, you probably also have those cheap paddle ball toys around. Do not underestimate their use to smack people with. Most of them are thin and flimsy wood but they will sting on bare skin. There are also clear acrylic ones with cartoony things on them which are VERY ouchy.

Clothes pins— Believe it or not, lots of people still hang their laundry up to dry, which means clothes pins can usually be found. If not in your house, then most grocery stores will have them, and they are cheap. They make really handle nipple clamps but that’s not the only place you can put them.

I’ve seen Doms put them on a sub’s tongue for talking back. And of course, they can go on the labia or balls, etc. You can and should test how tightly they clamp before rushing to snap them on a sensitive place obviously. And most clothespins can be slowly loosened so that they don’t bite quite so hard.


Switches– how could I have forgotten switches. Free, found everywhere, silent, and very effective. If you don’t have any in your yard you can always check out the local park. Green wood is best for flexibility. Have the sub prepare the switch first by stripping off the bark and you’ll have less of a mess afterwards.

If you aren’t new to kink, then most of these I’m sure you’ve already used, or fantasized about using. I doubt there are a huge number of “Oh! I never thought of that!” ideas on here. And I bet you have plenty of things around the house I didn’t even think to mention. When you have multiple kinky people in the house a lot of times whatever is closest becomes an implement.

The idea behind this post is that you can look outside the box when you’re short on cash and you need things to play with. It is never necessary to spend 100$ on a paddle. Sure, you may want it, but you shouldn’t feel left out just because you don’t have the money.

Believe me when I say, even at parties and clubs you will see regular old hairbrushes and wooden spoons because people have a connection to those things historically. They aren’t going to laugh and assume you’re too broke to buy the fancy toys, they are going to assume that you are fond of regular household spanking items because of the context.

And just to put things into perspective for you, I have an 80$ hairbrush, a real Fuller Brush Co. hairbrush, which was given to me as a gift. Fuller Brush men used to go door to door and sell them as far back as 1906. Because of that they were a popular household brand, and many kids back then grew up being spanked with them.

They appear commonly in old movies/shows, and because of the memories they are in plenty of spanking stories. It makes them kind of an icon to spankos and many still buy them just so they can say they have a Fuller brush. They are heavy, thick and high-quality. They might even be good for brushing hair… uh, I can’t say I’ve ever used mine that way.

But when it comes to spanking they don’t work any better than a regular cheap brush. In fact, one of the meanest hairbrushes around can be purchased for about 5$ in most drugstores.

So, while it can be great have the fancy things, it really isn’t necessary. Check your house, do a fun little hunt for things that can be perverted. Go to the Dollar store and challenge each other to find 5$ worth of things you can kink with and then use those things in a scene. Don’t make it about being on a tight budget; make it about having fun and exploring.

And remember stay safe, stay healthy, and stay home if you can!

Long Distance Daddy (Book rec.)

Way back in 2019 (about thirty years ago by Covid time) I posted an article about the Dirty Daddies anthology of that year. If you missed it you can find it here: Long Distance D/s and the Dirty Daddies Anthology

It had particular interest to me because there was a novella in it about a long distance relationship. Since that’s a special focus of mine I was very excited to see it. There have been very few books out there that focus on long distance relationships. It’s really nice to see some well-written representation. Unfortunately Dirty Daddies is always a limited time collection, which means after a couple of months the story was gone.

But I have some exciting news for you!

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Daily Lists and How They Help With D/s (Especially Long Distance)

So if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you know I have two Doms, L&G and that we’re all three in different countries so the chances to be together in person, especially all three of us, are very rare. That means a good part of our relationship has to be conducted long distance.

This isn’t a new experience for me. I’ve had many Doms from a distance over the years. Some were close enough to visit frequently, while others had to happen only rarely. It can be hard at times but the Internet is a fantastic tool for allowing this to happen.

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