Relationships – Page 3 – Musings of a Chaotic Mind

July 26, 2024July 20, 2024

THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 2/2- LETTING YOUR SUBMISSIVE SIDE HELP

Black and grey background with the words: Learning Safely.

Last week we talked about basic skills that can help you learn to say no to people in your life. These are the basic tools that you can use anywhere, in any situation, and are just, in general, really good things to practice.

Today we’re going to focus more specifically on the BDSM side of things, but keep in mind that the skills in Part One can still be helpful in kink situations because they are easily adaptable. This part is just more BDSM centered and is going to be more nuanced.

I’ve always said that BDSM can help your life if you are engaged in healthy dynamics, and this is another aspect of that. It might sound counterintuitive, but your submissive inclinations can be used to keep you from spreading yourself too thin.

Part Two— Letting your submissive side help.

We’re going to talk about some different mindsets that might help you focus on your decisions, so you’re not obeying on autopilot. The goal is for you to make the choice to submit, and I’m going to be honest, submission feels more satisfying when you choose to do it.

THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 1/2

(Note: I had intended for this to be one piece, but it’s a difficult issue and it’s gone much longer than I had planned. So I’m breaking it in half and Part One and Part Two will be posted in consecutive weeks.)

Saying no is an important part of setting personal boundaries, and as we all know, boundaries and limits are essential for a healthy life, and not just in the Scene. It’s a skill that you will need in all aspects of your life.

But many of us with submissive personalities have trouble with this. It runs contrary to our basic nature. While it’s natural for most people to decline things they don’t want to do… for submissives it’s a whole different level of difficulty.

THE DANGER OF HAVING A SUBMISSIVE PERSONALITY

There are those who choose to submit in a D/s dynamic or scene because they enjoy it, but are not otherwise submissive. These people who submit for pleasure, tend to have a pretty healthy understanding of when submission is appropriate.

Bedroom submissives, among others, fall into this category. They probably won’t be wearing a collar in public, outside of a Scene venue. They probably won’t be letting their kink partners make long lists of rules for them either.

Some of the subbiest people in the scene I’ve ever met have very powerful, dominant roles in the outside world. They are fine with being in charge, submission during their off hours is just a relief.

They might be judges or doctors, or managers who boss around a whole building full of people, and they have absolutely no problem doing that… and then setting it aside when it’s time to play. Submission may feel natural to them, in a specific place, with a certain person, but they don’t go through life constantly bending to suit other people.

They are good at setting boundaries because they limit their submission to kink, and don’t allow it to impact the rest of their life. In other words, these are people who only submit when and where they choose.

But today we’re going to talk about another kind of submissive. Those who are submissive by nature, by personality. It’s not necessarily a kink thing, though they can also choose to submit as part of the scene.

D/s Relationships Can Be As Healthy, Or Even Healthier Than Regular Romantic Relationships

Does it sound strange to hear that? It shouldn’t.

I think that some people tend to assume D/s relationships are always bordering on unhealthy. That the attraction to this kind of lifestyle is the ‘darkness and danger’ inherently expected in any activity out of the mainstream. They confuse the excitement and thrill of kink with wanting a lifestyle on the edge.

And don’t get me wrong, there are risks in many of the heavier aspects of BDSM. But those are the activities we do, not the relationships we have. We can choose to participate in a scene that has elements of risk, while wanting a totally healthy and safe dynamic with our partners.

April 26, 2024April 25, 2024

When Boundaries and Limits Conflict

So, a couple weeks ago, we talked about whether withholding affection was abusive or not. The topic came up, as many do here, because of a question I saw online. In this case, there was a book scene where the Daddy withheld affection from the Little as punishment, and it seemed abusive to some readers.

I covered that topic pretty thoroughly, I think, and you can read it here: Is Withholding Affection as Punishment Abuse?

But to sum it up… it really depends on the people involved and what their limits are. It’s easy to view things through a lens of our own experiences, but what looks like abuse to you… might be perfectly fine for someone else. Everyone tolerates different things.

I mentioned at the time that I had a perfect example of this, and I was going to discuss it in a separate post, because it combined well with another topic—and here we are.