Punishing a Submissive Part Two: Sometimes it’s Not About Teaching A Lesson

In the first part we did a basic overview of why some subs/bottoms/littles want or need punishment, and basically what the point of it is. I think that covered the common things people tend to talk about. Probably nothing too earth-shattering in that, but we laid the groundwork to discuss some things that are a little deeper.

Continue reading “Punishing a Submissive Part Two: Sometimes it’s Not About Teaching A Lesson”

Spankables Around the House– Do You Really Need All the Expensive Toys?

Kink on a budget! A couple of months ago I received a comment and a question on one of the Long Distance posts regarding implements. The Dom was wanting to incorporate some spanking by direction and the sub was quite insistent that they didn’t have any spanking implements around and couldn’t afford to buy any.

I commented at the time, but added this to my list of future topics because I think it’s a pretty useful discussion. I apologize in advance to any naughty bottoms out there who were trying to say they have nothing to spank with. This post will probably prove you wrong and these things will mostly work for either in-person play or long-distance.

You see there are tons of really awesome companies out there right now making incredible implements. I drool just looking through them and I’m happy to recommend a few companies to you if you’re looking to spend money. That would probably make a nice post for the future so I’ll add it to the list.

But a spanking or discipline kink does not rely on spending large amounts of cash. Those highly polished implements are gorgeous, and everyone wants to play with the pretties, but for many people those kinds of toys are luxuries—expensive ones. And it’s really not necessary if money is tight.

Even If you have plenty of money, sometimes it’s fun to just go old school and search around the house for spankables/pervertables. These are normal household objects that can be turned into kink implements as needed. And we all have them. I guarantee there is not one house that has no spanking implements available, no matter what your sub/brat/ little tells you.

Now, it’s possible that they may not have something they feel comfortable using because of special circumstances. Fear of people hearing is a big problem for instance. If they have a house full of people and no privacy, then they need something very quiet which can be harder. And physical disabilities can lend extra difficulty sometimes.

But in most cases, there are things you can find around the house, or make, that are very cheap. I already did an article on one of my favorites, which solves the whole noise problem. The handmade Loop toy that you make out of window spline is fairly severe, and as quiet as a fan. It can be made for around five bucks or less and I have full instructions with pictures here: Silent Loopy Toy DIY.

 If we stick to a similar budget don’t forget that dowel rods or garden stakes are very cheap and can also be found in the hardware store and make decent canes. Canes are also quiet and since they come in a variety of lengths you can easily find them in the right size for a comfortable swing.

You do want to be careful with safety when it comes to pervertables. It’s not a huge danger most of the time, but remember that these have not been carefully made to be used on bare skin, but for rougher uses. If it’s meant for plants to climb on then splinters may not have been a concern, but that’s an easy problem to fix and preparing the implement is a time-tested way of putting a sub in the right headspace anyway.

So, spring for the sandpaper and have them sand down the rod until it’s perfectly safe. Use electrical tape to wrap the handle if you like. Adding a layer of polyurethane varnish can make the implement stingier while also protecting it from absorbing fluid or splintering. It might not be a fancy British cane with a curved handle but believe me, it will work well in a pinch.

I’ve always thought there was something fun and more real feeling about using regular household things to spank with. Yes, I adore the beautiful paddles and straps, but there’s something brutally real about a hairbrush or a big wooden kitchen spoon, isn’t there?

I’m willing to bet most spanking fans have already used plenty of things around the house to spank with, but hey, it’s possible that there are things you haven’t considered. It’s also possible that a reluctant sub isn’t going to look too hard for something to be punished with and it might be handy for you to have a list of specific items for them to find. I’m happy to organize some for you.

Remember that a sub can consent to punishment, can even want and need punishment, but still be reluctant or pouty when it comes time to get it. Punishment isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s embarrassing, and it hurts so dragging feet and pretending like there’s just nothing handy is pretty common.

As I list punishment tools, I’ll divide them up by room. I’ll also mention things that aren’t for spanking, but still can be good for punishment or just for having fun. I admit I’m just organizing them like this because it amuses me, and because I’ve played games of trying to find a different spanking item in every room of the house.

It’s like a fun little scavenger hunt of pain. Wheeee.

Bedroom
Hairbrush -Naturally this is always the first thing people consider. Plastic or wood it doesn’t matter as long as it has a flat back. If you don’t have the kind you can spank with, the nearest Dollar store will have plenty.

Hanger –The wire ones bend nicely into a decent shape to spank with and the wooden ones can work too.

Belts – Is there anything more squirmy than the sound of a belt being pulled through the loops? Most people will have some kind of belt around.

Edging – This isn’t an item, but definitely makes a great punishment. Use a vibrator on your sub or make them masturbate until they are just about to come and then make them stop. Repeat for maximum effect.

Candles— These days they make kink candles that are specifically designed to have low melt temperatures for safety and those are ideal—if you have access and can afford them. However, with some care and planning you can still use candles from a regular store. ALWAYS test before dripping directly on skin.

Look for soy or paraffin candles those are the safest for temperature. Paraffin will be hotter and will require more care and testing. Tapers or narrow candles will lead to much hotter wax drips, and possible burns. Some people like that, but if you don’t, then you want nice fat candles where the wax can pool and cool down before you pour it. You can also drip the candle wax from higher above the skin to cool it as it falls.

The lighter the candle the less hot typically so even though all the colors are pretty, when you’re using non-body candles it’s probably best to go with plain white.

Test test test to make sure the temperature isn’t too hot (and don’t forget to lay down a drop cloth first or you’ll regret the mess later.

Bathroom
Bathbrush – People still use these. They can often be found in Dollar stores too.

Cold showers – Believe it or not this can be a great physical punishment and no one else in the house will know. Be careful to limit it to short periods of time for health reasons. Usually just a minute or two.

Soap – Obviously a time-honored punishment for talking back or swearing. I’m not a huge fan of it given how many harsh chemicals are in it but it’s generally safe enough as long as it’s not swallowed. (Blech)

Kitchen

The kitchens in most houses are absolutely packed with fun spanky implements. You can barely turn around without bumping into something that could blister your butt. Obviously, we have the most common: wooden spoons, spatulas, cutting boards, batter scrapers. (The wood or plastic kind with handles which are oddly enough shaped exactly like a paddle.)

Bag clips— These make a handy substitution for nipple (or other places) clamps.

Ice – Can also be used as a punishment. Both internally or externally, but please be careful and limit exposure for safety. A lot of people like to insert ice and I’ve done it many times safely, but it can hurt if you aren’t careful.

If you do want to insert then start the melting process on the ice first, not only will that smooth rough edges, but it will also limit how long it’s inside before it is entirely melted, and it’s less likely to ‘stick’ to skin that way. To be even safer you can put it in a condom first. That will insulate some of the cold and make it less risky. Just be careful not to lose the condom inside.

Hot sauce – This one is another to be careful with but is fairly common. I find it safer than using soap since it’s at least designed to go in the mouth, but you really need to be careful of the sub’s tolerance for hot things and watch out for allergic reactions. A dab on the tongue is likely to be fine for most people as long as it’s not one of those ridiculously hot things like ghost pepper.

Some people do put the hot sauce on places a little more um… delicate. I wouldn’t personally recommend it, but please be very careful if you decide to try it. You should do several sensitivity tests at the very least before putting hot sauce anywhere near your delicate tissues.

Rice – This is an old punishment and a mean one. In some parts of the world people grew up experiencing this as children so they may be aware of it. It is a silent punishment so that part is handy for people worried about noise.

You pour uncooked rice on the floor and have the submissive kneel on it. Obviously, this is painful, and the hard little kernels press into the skin. You may want to specify that it should be a hard floor and not carpeted.

Again, care should be taken to limit how long they kneel. Typically, it’s a pain that goes away pretty quickly after they stand and it’s not likely to damage the skin if done in reasonable amounts of time, but subs who have knee pain may have trouble with this.

Office

Rulers – These make a handy paddle when you need one.

Curtain or drapery rods – I’m not talking about what you hang the curtains on; I’m talking about the long acrylic rods that hang down so you can pull the drapes shut, or the ones you twist to close the blinds. They are commonly found in hotel rooms btw, so if you are traveling and need a quick Spanky item they are very handy!

Welcome Mats – I know what you’re thinking… Why would you have a welcome mat in your office? Well, okay this isn’t something you normally keep in there, but you do keep a desk chair in there. And a welcome mat placed on the seat of a desk chair is a pretty effective punishment.

It can be even more effective to combine the uncomfortable sitting with writing assignments which also work in the office.

Garage/basement/shed

I’m lumping in all the outdoor stuff and miscellaneous stuff in here. Some are things that don’t really fit in the regular rooms.

Paint stirrers– You can usually get these FREE at any hardware store and they can be nice and stingy (Thanks Nora!)

Garden stakes— These pretty much look exactly like canes. In fact, they are even made in bamboo sometimes and are sold in a variety of lengths. I’ve seen them as long as four foot. Get the unstained ones if you can. Although it was hilarious to have brownish red hands after using one, it took ages to get off. They typically aren’t meant for a lot of handling, so the stain isn’t sealed.

Electrical cord/extension cord – If you don’t have a belt this makes a fairly decent substitute, and you can get a lot of different effects depending on the thickness and how many times you loop it. Just be careful not to strike with the metal end. That part should be safely kept in the hand. This is also a good quiet toy.

Bungy cords—These are useful for a lot of things so people tend to have them around. They are stretchy cords with metal hooks at each end. But the fun Spanky part is that if you cut the hooks off, and then cut the outer cover off inside you’ll find tons of snappy rubber strands. This is what makes them stretch.

These can be made into a stingy flogger which is pretty quiet to use, not much louder than a fan. I’ve usually opened 2-3 bungy cords to get enough for this though they are packed very tightly inside so there’s more in each one then you’d think. You can wrap one end with electrical tape to make a handle so it’s a bit more sturdy.

Zip ties— These come in handy allll the time for many different things. Obviously, bondage is the first thing that comes to mind. Though I wouldn’t recommend putting them directly on the skin. I would wrap something around the skin first, or actually just use real bondage cuffs and use the zipties to fasten those to something where you want the sub to stay.

It’s not only safer for the skin but can be done in a way that the sub can release themselves by simply undoing the cuff in case of emergencies. I can tell you that when it comes to any kind of restraint on me, I insist on a way to release myself. If you’ve read or seen Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game, then you know exactly why.

But I am aware some people like the thrill of danger so all I can say is … be careful.

Speaking of bondage don’t forget that most homes have duct tape and electrical tape which can be handy for quick bondage. Again, please be careful of the skin. Some people are fine with ripping off the tape, but some people aren’t, or have fragile skin. You can always wrap the tape sticky side away from the skin so it sticks to itself and not you or your partner.

Game paddles— Lots of people have some kind of game that uses paddles. Like ping pong for instance. These are actually paddles so you can totally use them for kinky stuff, and not just for games. If you have kids, you probably also have those cheap paddle ball toys around. Do not underestimate their use to smack people with. Most of them are thin and flimsy wood but they will sting on bare skin. There are also clear acrylic ones with cartoony things on them which are VERY ouchy.

Clothes pins— Believe it or not, lots of people still hang their laundry up to dry, which means clothes pins can usually be found. If not in your house, then most grocery stores will have them, and they are cheap. They make really handle nipple clamps but that’s not the only place you can put them.

I’ve seen Doms put them on a sub’s tongue for talking back. And of course, they can go on the labia or balls, etc. You can and should test how tightly they clamp before rushing to snap them on a sensitive place obviously. And most clothespins can be slowly loosened so that they don’t bite quite so hard.

Outside

Switches– how could I have forgotten switches. Free, found everywhere, silent, and very effective. If you don’t have any in your yard you can always check out the local park. Green wood is best for flexibility. Have the sub prepare the switch first by stripping off the bark and you’ll have less of a mess afterwards.

If you aren’t new to kink, then most of these I’m sure you’ve already used, or fantasized about using. I doubt there are a huge number of “Oh! I never thought of that!” ideas on here. And I bet you have plenty of things around the house I didn’t even think to mention. When you have multiple kinky people in the house a lot of times whatever is closest becomes an implement.

The idea behind this post is that you can look outside the box when you’re short on cash and you need things to play with. It is never necessary to spend 100$ on a paddle. Sure, you may want it, but you shouldn’t feel left out just because you don’t have the money.

Believe me when I say, even at parties and clubs you will see regular old hairbrushes and wooden spoons because people have a connection to those things historically. They aren’t going to laugh and assume you’re too broke to buy the fancy toys, they are going to assume that you are fond of regular household spanking items because of the context.

And just to put things into perspective for you, I have an 80$ hairbrush, a real Fuller Brush Co. hairbrush, which was given to me as a gift. Fuller Brush men used to go door to door and sell them as far back as 1906. Because of that they were a popular household brand, and many kids back then grew up being spanked with them.

They appear commonly in old movies/shows, and because of the memories they are in plenty of spanking stories. It makes them kind of an icon to spankos and many still buy them just so they can say they have a Fuller brush. They are heavy, thick and high-quality. They might even be good for brushing hair… uh, I can’t say I’ve ever used mine that way.

But when it comes to spanking they don’t work any better than a regular cheap brush. In fact, one of the meanest hairbrushes around can be purchased for about 5$ in most drugstores.

So, while it can be great have the fancy things, it really isn’t necessary. Check your house, do a fun little hunt for things that can be perverted. Go to the Dollar store and challenge each other to find 5$ worth of things you can kink with and then use those things in a scene. Don’t make it about being on a tight budget; make it about having fun and exploring.

And remember stay safe, stay healthy, and stay home if you can!

Can you be a feminist and a submissive?

I usually try to be more inclusive with pronouns, but this topic seems very specific to submissive women who submit to men so I’m going to focus on M/F, but there are many parts of this that are going to apply to the role regardless of gender so bear that in mind.

It’s no secret that some feminists have conflicts with submissive women. The concept that feminism gives us the right to CHOOSE to submit is often lost in the translation. Not only do you have the right to submit, but you have the right to be a housewife, and a stay-at-home mother, and still be feminist. The whole point of feminism is that no one is telling us who we have to be.

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Erotica Versus Erotic Romance

This is probably going to be a fairly short piece and it’s just a light topic that you might find interesting. It’s related to the book side of things mostly, but does connect to the D/s aspects towards the end.

People often refer to my books as erotica, and they aren’t. I don’t write erotica, or at least I haven’t at a book length before, mostly because I tend to lose interest in the content. I correct them and explain that I write kinky romance, or erotic romance and there is a big difference there.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with erotica and it has a big following, but if you are looking for that genre than you’d likely be annoyed by my books and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

Erotica places a huge priority on sex. The plot is very limited and is there just to get you to the next sex scene. Some people love jumping from one adventure in bedroom gymnastics to the next for the whole book, but for me I need a plot outside of the bedroom.

My books have a decent amount of sex in them, some might even say a lot of sex, and they are fairly graphic. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on those scenes, so I assume they are erotic and exciting, which is exactly what I hope for when I write them. But for me sex is just a part of relationship building.

I need the whole package to hold my interest, both as a writer and as a reader. I love a hot sex scene as much as the next person, but if I don’t have emotional engagement with the characters then I’m going to just skim through and then move on.

Erotic romance is a huge umbrella for romance books that have graphic sex instead of the old fade to black. They still have everything else you’d expect from a romance story: conflict, relationship building, misunderstandings, romantic moments, and finally a happy ever after (at least for now.) Sexual content is usually much less than half of the book.

Erotica is a much smaller genre that includes books that are basically all about sex. Everything in them is centered around sex. As a result, your percentage of sex vs plot is going to heavily lean towards most of the book being bedroom athletics.

But even people who know all of that still tend to slot novels with kink or power exchange dynamics into erotica. Why?

Well, I did tell you that this was going to work back around and connect to D/s aspects right? The reason is because a lot of people connect BDSM to sex. In their minds the two are pretty much the same thing. So, if you have written a BDSM novel then obviously it’s all about sex.

Of course, people who are experienced in the scene know better. Sex is a relatively small part of the BDSM world and as a result there are even power-exchange books out there with no sex at all. Discipline-only fiction isn’t the most popular genre on the market, but it certainly exists.

It doesn’t help that Amazon is often prejudiced against BDSM relationships in romance. There are certain words you can’t use in your keywords or descriptions or you risk being shoved into erotica—even though your books might not have nearly enough sexual content to fit in well there. I’ve heard recently even the phrase Alpha Male (which is often used as a codeword for Dom) is risky.

This means they will often move a book into erotica just on that basis, when really it has no business being there. It hasn’t happened to me yet, luckily because it’s hard to get it removed from that category, but it’s a constant worry when uploading a new book.

My last book, Taming His Brat, had some seriously steamy sex scenes, but when you count up how much of the book is actually sex, you’re looking at about 30% at most. The rest is a deep and detailed love story that involves bonding between Charlie and Sam, a mysterious stranger from the past, a plot to ruin their relationship, a letter from her dead father, and all kinds of other things that have nothing to do with a romp in the bedroom.

So far five people have told me that they cried over the letter from Charlie’s father. Believe me this is not what people are looking for when they read erotica.

Anyway, to break it all down for you it’s basically about the focus of the book. If you remove all the sex from your book and you still have a book, then it’s not erotica. If you remove all the sex and there’s really nothing interesting left to read than it is erotica. Easy!

And on that note, I’ll wrap up here. I did tell you it would probably be short and I need to get back to working on my current book: Lights, Camera, Daddy!

Reality Strikes Again– Fictional BDSM Clubs Versus the Real thing.

There are soooo many differences between real life BDSM clubs and fantasy clubs in books.

I’d like to start off by saying this topic has been on my list for a while and I’ve just recently been inspired to finish it after reading a new club book. Since we’re in the middle of a pandemic right now I’m sure no one is going out to play in clubs much anyway, but eventually things will get back to normal so I figured I might as well post it.

I’ve often thought that most readers have an idea of what a BDSM or kink club is like that is based solely on fiction. Having read, and enjoyed, quite a few BDSM club series now I can tell you that if your image of a club comes directly from those books you are probably going to be disappointed in the real thing.

Continue reading “Reality Strikes Again– Fictional BDSM Clubs Versus the Real thing.”