What Does It Mean to be Asexual and Kinky?

So, last month I released a new book with an Ace (asexual) main character: Lisa’s Unexpected Valentine’s Day. It’s something you don’t see in romance often, unfortunately, and it’s been on my mind for a while to write an ace character.

And what I discovered was that there are a lot of people out there who don’t really understand what asexuality is. It stirred up a lot of conversation on Facebook and I really enjoyed the discussions that came up because of the book. (Yay!) But I also realized that there are some big misconceptions out there too.

Definitions and misconceptions:

So, for those of you who aren’t familiar, asexual (Ace) means you have little to no interest in having sex with other people. Or you only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. But there’s a lot more to it than that, so let’s spell out some facts about being asexual.

Read more: What Does It Mean to be Asexual and Kinky?

Asexual people may experience other types of attraction. They may want/enjoy having a romantic partner. Romance and sex don’t necessarily have to go together.

They may enjoy sensual activities like being touched, cuddled, or even kissed, without it leading to sexual desire in them.

They can find people handsome/pretty and be attracted on that basis. (aesthetic attraction)

They can, and many do, experience sexual arousal without actually wanting to have sex with other people.

Many asexual people, but not all, masturbate.

Since asexual people fall on a wide spectrum, they can be sex negative (Ew, gross!); sex neutral (Sex? Eh. I haven’t really thought about it in a while.); or sex positive (Sure, let’s have sex. I love how close we feel when you’re inside of me.).

Yep, some asexual people are absolutely fine with having sex. And even though they might not have sexual attraction themselves, they may even desire it for other reasons. They might seek sex with their partner, because they enjoy the closeness of the activity, and see it as a bonding time.

Asexual people can also be gay, straight, bi, pan (etc), particularly those who do experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances.

The important thing to note, is that It’s a sexual orientation, not a choice. So if you are experiencing no interest in sex because of a medication… that doesn’t make you asexual. That would just be a side-effect of the meds you’re on, even though it might look the same from outside.

Asexuality is really more of a spectrum than a scale, so there is a wide variety in the people who identify that way. I’m going to run you through some quick and simple definitions of some of the types that fall under the asexual umbrella.

People can identify with more than one type of asexuality, or how they feel might change over time, putting them under a different designation. Some know they are asexual, but find none of these categories really fit them, and that’s okay too.

These are only simple definitions, and if you’re interested in more detail, you can find many sources for research online.

A short list of asexual types:

Apothisexual: This means they are sex repulsed. These people find sex or sexual activity to be disgusting or uncomfortable. They may even avoid seeing or reading about sex.

Autosexual: These are people who are only sexually attracted to themselves. In other words they only want to have sex on their own, without a partner.

Demisexual: These are people who only experience sexual attraction to people after they form a strong emotional bond. They may think someone is pretty and be interested in them because of it, and they may enjoy romance with people, but until that connection kicks in… there is no sexual attraction.

This can also mean they never develop an attraction based on physical attributes, but only based on personality traits that they discover over time.

Gray-asexual (graysexual): These people can occasionally experience sexual attraction or may have in the past, but mostly are uninterested in sex. They may also experience sexual attraction only with certain people. I’ve heard them called ‘part-time asexuals’.

Aceflux: This is a fairly new term. People who are aceflux generally stay in the asexuality spectrum, but their identification within the spectrum changes. Their feelings about sex in general may also change.

Maybe sometimes they are repulsed by the idea of sex, but at other times they are fine with it.

Fraysexual: These people experience sexual attraction with strangers or people they don’t know well, but it fades once an emotional bond occurs. If they fall in love with you, their interest in having sex with you dies. Which doesn’t mean they won’t still have sex with their partners, just that they no longer desire it.

Aromantic asexual (aro-ace): Aroace people experience little to no sexual OR romantic attraction toward other people. They can still have deep emotional connections, love people, have friendships, even have partners, but it’s just not based on sex or romance.

There are, obviously, many other types but I think these are the ones you see the most.

How do asexual people fit into the kink world?

Let’s start right off by saying they fit in the same way everyone fits in, because the kink world is huge and there is room for everyone.

Lacking sexual attraction is not going to be any hinderance at all in the scene. Not wanting to have sex is also not going to be a problem, and plenty of people don’t include sex in their BDSM activities for a number of reasons, of which asexuality might be one.

When it comes to casual play, I would say that anyone, asexual or not, who doesn’t want sexual contact during a scene, should state that upfront as a boundary, especially if you are playing with someone new. Don’t depend on them asking for consent, be proactive.

When it comes to trying to form a relationship, or enter into a dynamic with someone, asexuality is probably something that you should bring up. Not because you need to warn people, or because there is anything wrong with it. But just in the same way you’d want to make sure other orientations aligned.

Limits, boundaries, orientations… those are all good things to discuss in the beginning, so you all know where you stand. When it comes to asexuality, how important it’s going to be to the relationship will probably depend on a lot of factors.

Are you sex positive, neutral, or negative? What type of asexual do you identify as? If you’re sex repulsed that’s probably going to matter a lot more, than if you are demisexual, since there are a lot of people don’t want to have sex until they know each other well anyway.

If you’re sex repulsed then you need to find a partner who is fine with not having sex at all, now or in the future, and that can be a bit more difficult.

But asexuality is just one way in which you want to make sure your needs match. It’s no different or harder than trying to match a sub with a Dom, or a lesbian with another lesbian. Just be upfront about your needs and expectations, and demand the same from your partners.

The bigger problem I see, is asexual people who are exploring don’t always feel welcomed in. Because the BDSM world is so heavily pushed as a highly sexual place, it can leave many of them feeling like they just wouldn’t belong.

Those of us with experience know that there are many people in the scene who have non-sexual dynamics. We know that there are tons of BDSM clubs that don’t even allow sex. We know that there are plenty of relationships that aren’t sexual, and we know that there is value in lots of BDSM activities for other things than sexual gratification.

But people on the outside looking in would have trouble seeing that.

The world is heavily influenced by what they see playing out in media, both in books and on television. I’ve run into many asexual people over the years, who had just assumed that there was no place for them in the scene. Part of the reason why they thought that, is because you rarely see kink discussed without the sexual aspects.

Most blogs, articles, and obviously fiction, are focused on sexual BDSM. And while some of us are out there reminding people that sex doesn’t have to be involved, you rarely see situations and examples of that in popular media.

Sex sells.

Sex is salacious and exciting. When it comes to kinky romance, most people seem to want the sex scenes. It’s part of the Happily Ever After for them. Plenty of asexual people enjoy reading about sex too, even if they don’t want to have it themselves.

Remember, what you fantasize about and what you actually want to experience are often very different things.

This is why representation matters so much, and it’s one reason why I’ve been wanting to write an asexual character for years.

If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, you know I’ve written a lot about how sex doesn’t have to be part of your kink dynamic. What I haven’t been able to do, is make a place for that in my books

Oh, I show plenty of non-sexual spankings in them. I’ve put emphasis on discipline and punishment and how they aren’t the same as erotic scenes. But the relationships do always have sexual aspects, and are romantic based because… well, because I write romance.

Writing a kinky romance book that focuses on an asexual character was problematic for marketing reasons, because without the sex scenes… most of my readers weren’t going to be interested. And even though plenty of asexual people have sex all the time, I really didn’t want to do that with Lisa.

It felt like a copout. Sure, you can call someone asexual, but if you have them doing all the same things as allosexual (non-asexual) people do, then you’re not really showing anything different. You’re not really representing them.

What’s the point?

So the ace character needed to be balanced and I had to find a way to still have those sexy scenes everyone loves… while being true to that character.

Obviously, this isn’t an easy task and that’s probably one reason why you don’t see asexual characters in this genre very often. I was able to work around it, with a three-person dynamic. The couple are madly in love and very passionate together, but there is room in their life for a third person and a second dynamic of a different type.

And the best part is that I will be able to write something else I’ve wanted to show for a very long time… a discipline-only relationship.

You don’t see those in kinky romance often either, but discipline-only relationships are actually very common out in the world. I’ve been in many myself. I’ve had asexual Doms too. For me, who identifies mostly as a service sub, discipline, rules, and structure are my primary focus in a D/s relationship.

Now, I wasn’t able to get into Lisa’s new discipline-based dynamic in her book. It didn’t feel in-character for Rick to rush from “Do you want to join us?” to “Let’s skip all the discussion and go straight to playing” so rather than rush things, I decided to end it with them forming their relationship.

In the next book, I’ll be able to concentrate on building and growing their dynamic and I’m really excited about it. But you’ll hear more about that in the future, once I get things going.

At this point I would say that Lisa is probably an Aro-Ace who is sex neutral. That means she doesn’t really want sex, but isn’t entirely opposed to it, and has had sex with partners in the past. She also isn’t looking for romance, but she can and does have deep affection for Maya and Rick.

She’s only just beginning her explorations so we’ll see if that changes over time, but what I can tell you is that she will remain asexual. She’s not going to suddenly stop being asexual because she falls in love, or even realize she’s demisexual and develop sexual attraction after forming a deeper bond with them.

I would absolutely love to hear from asexual people, either in comments or in email, about this post or about the book if you read it.

For now, I’ll wrap this up. I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks for an article about withholding affection as a form of punishment, which should be next on the list.

As always, thank you for reading!