DISABILITY AND KINK

This is a subject that really doesn’t need a long, complicated article. It’s actually pretty simple, but it is a topic that needs to be talked about more. As we go into this, please realize that people prefer different words to describe these things, and it can be a sensitive subject.

People with disabilities and impairments exist, and many of them are kinky. I don’t know why this comes as a surprise to some people, but it does.

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You may not know someone has a disability by looking at them. Many, most even, disabilities are not obvious on sight, and that includes physical or mental conditions. For instance, there are physical disabilities that only kick in at certain times (flares!) or only show when a person is tired.

People who use wheelchairs, walkers, or canes, may only need these adaptive devices at certain times, so you may not even realize they have a disability, unless they tell you.

The same is true of mental disorders. They may only show when triggered by situations or events, so they may not be obvious.

In general, The Scene is pretty inclusive. Seeing obviously disabled people at parties and clubs is not unusual. And they get plenty of play time, but I have noticed they often need to be the ones to engage first. I could speculate on why… maybe people are just afraid to hurt someone they see as delicate. Or don’t feel capable of handling any extra care that might be required.

It comes down to fear and insecurity most of the time, I suspect. It’s unfortunate that they feel that way. They are losing out on a lot of good partners by excluding people, based on an idea that probably is incorrect. But getting people to stop being ableist is a bigger job than I can take on here.

Hopefully, at some point, they will learn better. Probably when they realize that someone they’ve already been having fun with is disabled, and they just didn’t know. That tends to be eye-opening.

Unfortunately, there are other, worse reasons. And I’m not going to make this a critical post, where I tear people apart for assuming that a person with a disability will have too many limits, and won’t be any fun. But I heard someone say that in a club years ago, and it’s been in the back of my head ever since.

I also know of a case where someone was told they couldn’t be a sub, because they couldn’t physically kneel, which is just gross, and obviously inaccurate.

Domination and submission start in the mind. You can get around any physical issue with adaptations. You just have to make the effort.

And I’m not even going to waste bandwidth on people who think having a disability makes you a non-person, or not good enough. I’m just not, and nothing I could say here would change their mind anyway. If you think a Dom can’t top from a wheelchair, or a sub can’t serve while using a walker or cane, then your worldview is broken.

People with disabilities are more limited by the people and circumstances around them, than they ever are by their own bodies, and that’s a lived truth. Playing in a club… not a problem. We know our abilities and limits very well. We have to live with them after all.

Getting into a club, on the other hand, can be an issue. But we’re not going to talk about parties and playspaces that aren’t accessible today. We’re just going discuss the basics of playing with someone who might have a disability, either mental or physical.

I am disabled and I have played with many disabled people over the years. Both of my current Doms are disabled, so I have a lot of experience in this subject.

Here’s the first thing you need to be aware of when playing as a person with a disability, or with a person who has a disability… open, honest communication is the key. Whether your disability is a mental condition, or a physical one, being upfront with your limitations will make everything safer.

You do not owe a play partner your diagnoses, especially if you don’t know each other well yet, but you do need to clue them in on any potential issues that could pop up during the scene.

Let’s be honest, most people have limitations of some kind. They usually don’t go as far as being a disability, but they have things to watch for. Problems that limit them in certain ways. Triggers. So communication should be a normal part of any scene. And that’s why I said that this didn’t need to be a long, complicated article—because you should already be doing these things.

But when you are factoring in disabilities, communication in advance is even more important, especially because in the middle of a scene it can be hard to form coherent thoughts. By that point, it might be too late to express the things that need to be shared.

If you are comfortable saying, “I have PTSD,” that’s fine. But if not, you can easily describe it like this: “I can be prone to startling or panicking. Sometimes I can’t be blindfolded or cuffed, so please check before putting them on. Sometimes I need extra reassurance. Sometimes I have flashbacks.” These are all things that you would need to communicate to any play partner in advance, either to avoid potential triggers, or so that your partner can be ready if they occur.

Playing with a casual acquaintance, you may want to avoid cuffs and blindfolds entirely, just to be sure. Or, if you do use them, you will want to check in more often, and be more vigilant about watching for signs of trouble. But by mentioning problems that may come up, you open a dialogue about how to manage these things.

And even if you are comfortable stating your exact diagnosis, that’s not always helpful. “I have diabetes,” may not convey all the information your play partner needs to have. Don’t assume they are familiar enough with the condition to work with that.

Sure, most people know that during intense scenes blood sugar might drop, and assume it can be more intense for diabetics, but will they know the signs to watch for? Do you have a preferred sugar-raising drink/food with you?

Remember clubs don’t tend to have a lot of variety beyond soda and water. You may need to bring supplies, so you’re prepared.

“Sometimes when I play my blood sugar sinks fast, so I carry this apple juice with me. Can you make sure I drink it right after the scene?” is a lot more helpful than just “I’ve got the diabeetus.”

But that’s not the only issue that can happen with diabetes, it’s just the most recognizable one. People with diabetes often heal slower too. So you may wish to avoid heavy bruising or anything that might cut the skin. This is something to discuss in advance.

To sum it up:

Clear, open communication in advance is always the best plan, whether entering a scene, or a relationship. You should already be doing that.

Share what you feel comfortable with, but if it’s something that could pop up during or after the scene, then you owe it to your partner to give them information on what to watch for, and how to deal with it. This is for your safety and theirs.

Don’t assume they will know your needs based on your disability. Be specific in the details.

Don’t be afraid to play with someone just because they have a visible disability. Chances are good, you’ve already played with someone who has a disability, and you didn’t even know it.

Not all disabilities are obvious, not all of them need to be shared in every situation. If they are at a party or club, then chances are they are ready to play, and know what they can handle.

Everyone has limits. Everyone has triggers (and if they say they don’t… they are either lying or too inexperienced to have found them yet.). And don’t assume a disability means they will be harder to care for, or less fun to play with. That’s usually not the case.

I’ve known people dealing with chronic pain issues, who are some of the most hardcore players you’ll meet, specifically because they live with pain on a daily basis.

People with a disability, whether visible or not, are just like everyone else. They have needs and limits. Communication will make sure you are able to handle most things that pop up.

And, as someone with disabilities, who hasn’t always been upfront about possible issues, please… if there is a condition that could be triggered in a scene, let someone know. If you don’t want to discuss it with a person you are about to play with, then make sure you have a spotter who you do trust, who knows what to watch for.

You can literally say “This is my spotter,” and that will be fine with most play partners. People have spotters for various reasons, so no one is going to guess anything from it.

For instance, there are some people who aren’t good about safewords, because they go too deeply into subspace and just bliss out. In a club situation, with a stranger, that can be an issue. So, a spotter is someone who can step in for you.