The Definition of Kink Needs an Update

A kink is often described as a sexual activity that falls outside the norm. That is an inadequate definition, in my opinion, and needs to be modernized and updated.

Any BDSM educator will tell you that not everything we do in BDSM or in the ‘scene’ is sexual in nature, or a sexual turn on to both parties participating.

But there is no other way to really describe wanting/needing certain activities even when it doesn’t turn you on. There’s no other word to describe a love of bondage, spanking, etc other than calling it a kink… even though your need may not be sexual in nature.

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Or it might be sexual in nature sometimes, but not other times, depending on your headspace. It might even turn you on, but that is incidental to the real reason you need the experience.

And the idea that everything under the kink umbrella is inherently sexual has caused many problems. One example of this involves Ageplay. Some people are freaked out by the idea of Ageplay. They shun anyone who admits to being into Ageplay, DDlg, Littles or anything of that nature because the idea of a child headspace and sex squicks them.

Do you think people would get so upset about it if they knew that Little Megan, a lawyer in her grown up life, just wanted her husband to wash and braid her hair and make her hot dogs for dinner, so she could destress from working in a courtroom all day? That she just needed to be held and watch cartoons and forget about being an adult while she let go of horrible things she’d seen in evidence during a trial?

Do you think they’d be so upset if they knew that her Daddy Mark was simply worried about his partner and doing his best to make sure she felt absolutely safe and loved, so she’d be able to sleep better that night?

Probably not.

There certainly are some people who find it sexy and a turn-on, but the vast majority of people I know who Ageplay don’t do it for sexual gratification. In fact, for most it’s specifically a comfort/safety/stress reducing time where an adult slips into a child headspace so they can be cared for in a way that their adult side wouldn’t be able to accept.

They might be a subby slut kneeling and groveling for their Mistress in the morning, and then in the evening, they are cuddled by Mommy as they watch cartoons and eat chicken nuggets. The dynamics of who is in charge stays the same, but the feelings that go with the experiences are vastly different.

From the Top it’s basically just two different ways to take care of someone’s needs.

Most people I know who have a Little side would feel betrayed if their Caregiver tried to initiate sex while they were in a child headspace. It’s hard to allow yourself to be young and vulnerable with another person, and you are placing a lot of trust in them, when you do so.

So the outside world’s assumption that they are playing out child sexual abuse scenarios can be painful for them. Not just for the Little, but for the Dom who might want nothing more than to be a nurturing Caretaker for their partner.

And it’s fine if you do get turned on while ageplaying. It still doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it or you. You are still two consenting adults. There is no victim here. No child involved. And the feelings and reactions on both sides are going to be those of adults.

That doesn’t change the fact that for most Littles the role is not sexual in nature. In fact, there is such a variety of people in the scene that you really can’t ascribe motives to someone’s kinks without asking them anyway.

I know submissives who have Doms and engage in BDSM activities, because they need structure with rules and punishment, but have no sexual connection to the punishment at all. It just works to keep their life on track, because they hate being punished.

Aside from that there are also plenty of asexual people in the scene. There are people who get turned sometimes, but they don’t play because of that. Arousal can be a bonus to the activities, but not the main reason to live the lifestyle.

And it’s not the dictionary definitions that are usually the problem anymore. You will still see definitions focused on sex, but often now they will add in a little more detail to cover other situations. Collins Dictionary defines kink as this:

a.  bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior

b. a person characterized by such preferences or behavior

I’d like to see it phrased a little less awkwardly but wanting to be punished fits ‘unconventional behavior’ well enough. It’s progress anyway. Many dictionaries have added in alternative language like this.

Where the definition needs to be updated is on a lot of kink/BDSM information sites. So many of them focus entirely on sexual definitions, that new people who are out there trying to learn get confused. I’ve seen, on more than one occasion, Asexual people saying they can’t be kinky because “I don’t even like sex.”

I’ve seen people saying they’d like to explore, but they don’t feel like they belong in the BDSM community because everything they read says they are supposed to be turned on, but when they actually play, they don’t get aroused. For them it might be catharsis or stress relief.

Or they get turned on by fantasizing about playing, or remembering things they’ve done, but during scenes the focus is entirely different, so they think they are doing it wrong. They don’t feel like anyone in the scene would want to be their partner, because of it.

The community was started by people who lived on the fringes of society and didn’t fit… and now that we’re mainstream, I think we need to do better about being inclusive of relationships and dynamics that aren’t sexual. We can start by expanding our definitions a little bit.

Remember that while there are plenty of people who keep their games confined to the bedroom as foreplay or an aspect of their sex lives, there is a huge number of people who consider BDSM to be their lifestyle. For them a scene is just one way of expressing their role, but there are many other facets.

For instance, many Littles don’t really consider what they do to be ageplay at all. It is the definition of what they do, but people are more than just a definition. They consider being Little to just be part of who they are. It’s how they were made, and how they live. Not ‘play’. Not a ‘game’. Not a scene

For many submissives, they want a Dom who makes rules for many aspects of their life. They want someone to make them do the things they need to do, but might put off. Sure, they might get aroused during scenes, but that’s not why they do this… or at least not the only reason.

And let’s not forget about the Doms. It can be hot having a sub kneeling at your feet who will do anything you want, but outside of the bedroom, it can be a wonderful feeling to have someone depend on you. For people who are natural Caretakers, having a sub/Little/brat/pet… can be a wonderful ego boost.

Being needed is essential for Caretaker types. Whatever sex comes out of it is just another part of the relationship, but the really important, motivating reason for being a Dom can be that feeling they get when they help someone they care for.

Sometimes it’s also what the Top needs to get their own life under control. When you know you have someone depending on you, and looking to you as a kind of example, it can be a great excuse to work on yourself. It feels good to know that you are someone else’s world, and it makes you want to be better for them.

In the beginning there was a reason to define kinks as only sexual. The original definitions came from doctors who tended to rope anything out of the norm into some kind of disorder. They were wrong about a lot of things, including motivations for unusual activities, and many of them seemed to think that everything was connected to sex one way or another. (Thanks Freud!)

We’ve come a long way, as a society, in changing those medical definitions. So many things that are perfectly fine were once diagnosed as mental illness. Just about every BDSM activity is somewhere on one of those old lists of things you could be committed for.

That has changed a lot in the past couple of decades.

But people still tend to feel like BDSM is fine if it’s confined to the bedroom, and they get very squirrely when it becomes clear that you’ve embraced it as a lifestyle. I’ve never understood it, but if sex is your goal, it’s fine to be dominated. If a more organized life is your goal, than it’s… considered unhealthy by some people.

That’s another definition that needs to be updated in my opinion.

However, when BDSM activities still needed to be kept hidden, and being involved in the scene was considered deviant, it was safer to let people think that any kinks you had stayed in the bedroom. It’s all fine as long as you’re getting off, I guess.

We’re past that now, or should be.

So, whether it’s sexual all the time, sometimes, or never… you can still call yourself kinky, and still consider yourself as part of the BDSM scene.

Just remember… you are more than a definition. You are a whole person with many facets, and not all of them are going to fit into cubby holes people try to put you into.

Most people I know who have a Little side would feel betrayed if their Caregiver tried to initiate sex while they were in a child headspace. It’s hard to allow yourself to be young and vulnerable with another person, and you are placing a lot of trust in them, when you do so.

So the outside world’s assumption that they are playing out child sexual abuse scenarios can be painful for them. Not just for the Little, but for the Dom who might want nothing more than to be a nurturing Caretaker for their partner.

And it’s fine if you do get turned on while ageplaying. It still doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it or you. You are still two consenting adults. There is no victim here. No child involved. And the feelings and reactions on both sides are going to be those of adults.

That doesn’t change the fact that for most Littles the role is not sexual in nature. In fact, there is such a variety of people in the scene that you really can’t ascribe motives to someone’s kinks without asking them anyway.

I know submissives who have Doms and engage in BDSM activities, because they need structure with rules and punishment, but have no sexual connection to the punishment at all. It just works to keep their life on track, because they hate being punished.