SPOTTERS—KEEPING YOU SAFE, WHEN YOU CAN’T

A couple months back, I mentioned the concept of Spotters, and at that time I made a note to write an article about it, so I added it to the idea pile. Last month I had an e-mail asking for more information, so I moved it up to the top of the list.

This is your reminder that if you have ideas for things you’d like me to write about, or if I mention something you would like more information on, you can always use the contact button to e-mail me. It helps to know what readers are interested in, and I often plan based on that.

But let’s discuss Spotters.

Read more: SPOTTERS—KEEPING YOU SAFE, WHEN YOU CAN’T

First of all, Spotters aren’t always called that. You may have been using one, without knowing there was a term for it. Maybe you just have a friend who looks out for you when you scene. Or a big (scene) brother who steps in if you get in over your head at a club. Or even a partner who doesn’t mind if you play with others, but likes to stay nearby in case something goes wrong.

Spotters aren’t something you hear about only in the BDSM world. If you have taken part in certain sports, like gymnastics, or work out with weights in the gym, then you probably have already heard the word and know what it means. The concept is basically the same.

A Spotter is there to help you if you get into difficulties. They will watch and catch you if you fall. It’s basically a safety feature.

Why would you need this in BDSM?

Well, say you’re someone who goes very deeply into subspace, to the point where you’re entirely zoned out. In that state, you might not be fully aware of how hard you’re playing. You might not know if boundaries are being crossed. You might not even realize that your play partner is doing things that weren’t discussed, or that you specifically declined.

You might also be someone who has trouble saying no or stopping a scene. There are many submissives who struggle with saying no, and being in a scene makes it even harder because they’ve already ‘submitted’ and going back on that is difficult.

Now, if you’re playing with someone you trust, who knows you well, then you would expect that they would know when to stop. You would also assume that they won’t purposely cross your boundaries.

Your own Dominant, or a frequent play partner should know your limits and what you can handle. And in the moment, high on endorphins, they might even know your limits better than you. It’s very common, in the midst of a scene, to still be enjoying yourself long after you should have stopped.

I believe I’ve written about seeing people at parties who were so deep into playing that they didn’t notice real, possibly permanent, damage being done to their bodies. And you might be loving a hundred cane strokes when you’re cushioned with endorphins, but the next morning when you have to go to your 9-to-5 desk job and sit all day… you’re going to realize that things went too far.

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t play hard. Some people want to play hard. They want to feel reminders for days after, especially if they don’t get to play often, and they know exactly what they are doing when they continue.

However, I have seen bottoms with deep cuts all over their ass and thighs, their skin weeping fluid, even bleeding, who were begging people to continue playing with them. And because they are smiling and so clearly want more… often people would assume they are good to continue.

Logic isn’t involved here. Common sense has left the building, because a good scene, a deep scene, takes you beyond rational thinking and into a place where you’re just worried about sensations. You’re very in the moment and not thinking about damage, or aftereffects, or how you’ll handle things later. You’re just flying.

Bottoms who go that deep should consider whether they need a Spotter to stand up for them and say something when they can’t, or won’t. It’s also good for people who struggle with safewording. There are people who can’t safeword because they feel like a failure if they do, or because they are too stubborn, or even because they shut down when a scene gets too painful.

Shutting down means you’re just not there to say stop. And a play partner who knows you, might be able to see that you’re shut down, but a stranger won’t always notice the signs. They might assume everything is fine because you discussed safewords and you haven’t used one… and simply not realize that you’ve checked out mentally.

Having a Spotter means you’re protected in this case, and your play partner is too.

How does spotting work?

As I said, a spotter is someone you know and trust. Ideally, it’s someone who has played with you, or seen you play enough times to know your reactions and triggers.

When you ask them to spot for you, you would have a discussion about your immediate limits and boundaries. You would warn them about any potential issues that might pop up. If you have triggers or physical problems that might come into play, they should be fully aware of those things.

They also need to know what you’re looking to get out of the play. How far do you want to go? What physical limits do you need put into place. For instance: no marks that will last more than a day. No bruising. No cuts. No whips. No restraints— basically anything that you need them to watch for.

When you decide to play with someone, you will introduce your spotter. “This is my Spotter/friend/partner etc. They’ll step in if anything goes wrong,” should be enough. If you use the term Spotter, and the Dominant isn’t familiar with the term, you can explain further, but it’s a fairly simple concept.

And it’s important to let the Dominant know upfront that this person is your Spotter, and that you’ve asked them to do this, because otherwise they might just think your friend is interrupting the scene. That is likely to cause drama if it has to happen.

Of course, you will then have your conversation with the Dominant about your limits, boundaries, safewords, whatever needs to be discussed. Now you, your new play partner, and your Spotter should all be on the same page.

The Spotter should be stationed somewhere with a good view. If they can’t see what’s going on, then they can’t help. And if your reason for needing one includes any kind of emotional shut down, or struggle with safewording, then they need to be able to see your face. That’s where a lot of the clues are going to show.

So, you go into the scene and hopefully everything is great, and you have a wonderful time. That’s how it goes in most cases.

However… if something seems off, if your reactions aren’t right, if the Dominant forgets a boundary or steps over a limit, or maybe your Spotter thinks you’ve had enough… that’s when their job kicks in.

At this point your Spotter stops the scene, and unless something egregious has happened, like a deliberate flouting of your limits, a quiet whisper in the Dominant’s ear should be enough to pause things. It’s good to make the interruption respectful… unless there is reason to throw respect out the window.

(Spotters, please remember that Dominants are people too. They make mistakes. They miss things and often it’s entirely accidental. So usually there’s no need to make a scene that will embarrass them, and probably crash them emotionally, as well as embarrass the person you’re spotting for.

If they don’t stop, even though they know you’re the spotter and have asked them to… then you can make a scene, but hopefully that will never be necessary.)

Once things have paused, the Spotter checks in with you to make sure you’re okay. Judging by how you respond and react, they would either end the scene entirely, or step back and let it continue. If you are lucid and present, they should go with your wishes about whether to continue. If you’re out of it, then they need to use their judgement to decide if you are okay to keep going.

Who should I use as a Spotter?

At the risk of being repetitive… it will ideally be someone you know well and trust. It should be someone who is confident, and will be able to speak up if it’s needed.

For obvious reasons, this might be your own Dominant, or partner—after all, who knows you better than them?

Please note though… this is not your Dominant overseeing a scene to make sure their rules aren’t broken. This isn’t them deciding how someone is allowed to play with you. I’m not saying a Dominant doesn’t have that right, but that’s a different situation, and it’s not called spotting.

A Spotter might also be a good friend, a fellow submissive, a ‘mom friend’ who just likes to make sure the people around them are playing safely. Or, if you’re at a club or party, you could just ask a monitor, a host, or someone who happens to be there. That’s not ideal, of course, but it happens and it’s better than nothing.

“Hey, I want to play with this Dom, but I don’t know him at all, and sometimes I shut down. Can you just keep an eye on the scene and make sure it goes okay? If I seem to freeze up and he doesn’t notice maybe check on me?” That’s really all you need to say.

In most places the BDSM community is a community, and they want to keep everyone safe. So if they are asked, they will probably be happy to spot for you. If not, try someone else.

I’m going to wrap this up here, but I do want to address the other side of the equation first.

Dominants, if you ask someone to play and they introduce a Spotter, whether they call it that or not, please remember that this is not a reflection on you. This is not an insult to your dominance, any more than using a safeword would be. This is a safety feature that is there to help both of you.

The last thing you want is to go too far without realizing it. Finding out afterward that the person you were playing with is upset because they should have stopped it and couldn’t is painful. They will be a wreck. You will feel guilty, even if it wasn’t your fault because you had every reason to expect them to safeword.

A Spotter is a good thing. It’s a thing that isn’t used nearly as much as it should be. If you are a Dom who pays close and careful attention during a scene, then that’s great. The Spotter might not have to do anything. But even the most careful Dom can miss small clues from someone they don’t know well.

So, please accept the role of the Spotter with grace, and if they have to stop the scene, for whatever reason, cooperate with them. It might be a false alarm, or small thing that can be quickly solved so you can get back to playing, and if it’s not then you should be glad someone stopped the scene before it blew up.