IS BDSM ALWAYS ABOUT PAIN?

The belief that BDSM always includes pain is a common misconception.  People who are curious about BDSM, new to exploring, or have only read/seen it in fiction tend to think that everything about BDSM hurts, either mentally or physically. And it’s true that there are a lot of kinky activities that do include some level of pain.

Impact play, especially spanking, is probably one of the top BDSM activities, and one of the most seen in media. At the base level, using your hand to smack someone on the butt requires no special equipment, very little practice, and many of us are familiar with it from childhood, so it’s normal that it’s among the most popular games to play.

Obviously with spanking there is always going to be at least a little pain. There is a whole spectrum, with one end being pinkness and a light sting, and the other end being heavy deep tissue bruising and a long-lasting ache—but some level of ouch is to be expected no matter where you fall on the spectrum.

Since spanking is among the most popular, and also often a gateway kink for many people, it’s normal that you would associate pain with kink. But the umbrella term BDSM encompasses a whole world full of different interests. There are tons of games to play that involve zero pain.

Now if you’re going strictly by the acronym of BDSM, then even there you’ll see some activities listed that don’t need to be painful. The (S)ado(M)asochism part of BDSM isn’t one of them. With that you’ll either be looking to give or to receive pain. It’s literally in the definition there. But that’s just part of the kink world, and whether you want to visit those activities is entirely up to you.

(Another common misconception: to be part of the BDSM world you have to indulge in all the activities in the acronym. That is very far from the truth.)

Bondage can include some discomfort, but doesn’t need to. Domination and submission can include giving and receiving of pain, but doesn’t need to. In fact, D/s is more about the headspace than anything else. Discipline usually comes with punishment, and that is often done with impact play, but it’s optional. Punishments don’t need to hurt.

I do actually know several submissives who have pain as a limit, and one of them does have a discipline focus in her relationships. She simply doesn’t want physical punishment as part of it. When she breaks a rule her Dominants use non-painful punishments like line writing, or chores.

After all, a punishment really only needs to be something you don’t like. There is no hard and fast rule that it must hurt physically in order to teach a lesson.

But as I said, BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses so many different activities. Some people think all kinks fall under the BDSM category. I don’t, personally, but there are still tons of games that I would consider part of BDSM, and many of them don’t hurt.

So, if you’re curious about BDSM, but don’t like or want to experience pain, there is absolutely a place for you in this world. The important thing to remember is to be upfront about your limits. “I don’t want any pain” is a perfectly reasonable limit, but depending on what other kinks you want to explore… it might be unusual. So, you’ll want to make it clear from the start.

I would say the majority of people interested in D/s will also have a side interest in impact play, or punishment, or degradation (not physically painful, but can be mentally hurtful if it’s not for you) etc. It’s common enough that the expectation going in will be that pain is involved at some point. Which doesn’t mean you have to endure it if you don’t want that, or that no one will want you unless you’re willing to accept it.

It just means that your situation will be a little off the norm. You can find partners who are your perfect opposites, but it might take a bit more time. If you think you might be interested in submission, and are looking for a Dom, then you’ll get what you want faster if you don’t waffle around about hard limits like this.

Now, so far, I’ve gone into this with an assumption that you don’t like pain at all. That you want zero pain and that won’t ever change. And I did that because too many people, especially submissives, think that they have to accept something they hate, in order to be wanted in the Scene.

A lot of the hesitation from people who are curious, but afraid, comes from the idea that if they have any interest in the Lifestyle, they will simply have to endure pain. Part of them yearns to have these experiences, but this one thing they do not want—and think they have no choice.

It’s not all or nothing. BDSM is “a la carte”. Take what interests you and leave the rest for the next person in line.

Looking for ideas of kinks/BDSM activities to try that have little to no pain? Try these:

DDlg with or without ageplay— Ageplay in this dynamic can include punishments for being a naughty Little, but doesn’t have to. I know Littles who, in adult headspace, love pain, but in Little mode it’s an absolute no. So, when they are naughty, they might get sent to the corner, or have a toy taken away, but there’s no spanking or anything of that nature.

D/s (Domination/submission)— There are many dynamics to choose from, but no matter what kind of dynamic you try no pain is necessary.

Tickling/feathers—this is about sensation, not pain. There are a lot of other sensation games to try too. Check out my post on The Wartenberg Wheel. Used lightly it tickles, used with a little more pressure it prickles and stings a little.

Bondage— can be uncomfortable or even painful, but doesn’t need to be.

Foot worship (or other body parts)

Roleplay— taking on a role for the duration of a scene. It can include costumes as well as a story scenario, and a different personality and demeanor. Ageplay can be part of roleplay as well.

Rope play— Rope play, like bondage, can be uncomfortable or painful, but it doesn’t need to be. It’s more about the aesthetics.  Shibari, for instance, can be absolutely beautiful. It can also be sensual and I’ve seen many submissives go into full subspace just from the experience.

Wax play—can be painful depending on the type of candles you use, or how you use them. But someone who is experienced can do this with pretty much no pain, as long as they know that’s what you want.

Sensory deprivations— This can include blocking one sense, like with a blindfold, or full sensory deprivation suits that block sight, sound, and touch.

There are so many more. This is just a tiny list of things that you can try.

Now, that being said… having pain as a firm limit is not the same as being nervous to experience something that will hurt. If you have fantasies about activities like spanking, caning, clamps, knives, etc., but fear of the pain is holding you back, then there are things you should know.

A lot of people think they hate pain, because every time they’ve experienced pain it’s been under unpleasant circumstances. Which makes sense, since pain is our body’s way of warning us about harm. But pain in a BDSM scene is often mixed with other sensations: mind games, sensual touching, sexual teasing, etc., and it’s also tempered with control.

When you twist your ankle, you have absolutely no control over how much it hurts or how long the pain lasts. You simply have to deal with whatever you feel until it recovers. It’s unpleasant, so no one wants to be injured like that.

However, a BDSM scene done correctly takes your limits and boundaries into account. You decide what you’re interested in trying, or you put your trust in someone who knows what you want to explore and can guide you. When you reach the edge where it’s more than you want, then you can stop it. This is pain delivered in measured doses, and you can say when you’ve had enough.

Which makes it very different from pain you may have experienced in other circumstances. And when you add in other sensations, a cultivated situation, and someone who knows what they are doing… you might find you don’t actually hate pain at all. You just hate uncontrolled or unexpected pain—which is normal. Even hardcore masochists don’t usually enjoy random injuries.

I promise you that a little bit of pain mixed with a lot of other sensations will be a very different experience. You might even find that a little pain is not enough for you, because once you start exploring many of us realize that this kind of pain can feel really good.

So, don’t be afraid to test the waters when/if you decide you’re ready. Make it clear this is new and that you want to go slow. Use a safeword and play with people you trust so that you know things will end the moment you decide you’ve had enough.

Just remember that even though a little pain can add a lot to an experience… you don’t have to try it if you don’t want to.