While I’ve been on hiatus here for the past month, deep in Krampus writing/editing, I’ve been adding to my list of article ideas. I’m constantly on the lookout for quick and easy ideas, because as you’ve noticed… most of my articles are pretty long by blog standards.
I like to get very in-depth on subjects. (My books reflect that too. I’m big on backstory, plot, and detail.) I also like to give examples, so that people who are new to all of this can understand a little easier.
So, it’s hard for me to come up with quick blog ideas to fill in between the longer ones. And often what I think will be a short topic… isn’t. Oops.
Anyway, one idea I’ve added to my list for 2026 are the common mistakes that people make when they are new to the Scene, or D/s, or Topping, etc. It felt like this would be a helpful category and, in theory, some of them will be shorter. This one probably won’t be.
I’m starting with ‘Taking on too much’ because I think it’s an incredibly common mistake that new (and not so new…) Tops/Doms make. Like a lot of my articles, this will mostly apply to people in lifestyle relationships, as opposed to bedroom players.
Subs, bottoms, brats, and Littles (etc.) can need a lot of care. And when you begin a relationship or dynamic with them, it can seem like you’ve just opened the door a crack. You make a simple set of rules. You decide on a few little guidelines to build a structure around.
Everyone is having fun.
Things seem to be working really well, but as the relationship progresses, it’s natural that the list is going to get longer. You, as the Dom/Top will see problems that you weren’t aware of. Working with one rule will lead you to realize that there are deeper, underlying issues that also need to be addressed. The bottom may ask for help in specific areas, which will mean adding more things to control and supervise.
This is all natural, but it can also be overwhelming. You may have expected a certain amount of time to devote to helping another person run their life, only to find you are pouring every bit of energy into them. Your door is no longer opened a crack, now it has been kicked wide open.
For some people this is fine. They actually thrive on a deeper, more extensive, level of control and love being that involved. But others may find it all simply too much, which means the relationship starts to fall apart.
If you, as the Dom, are overwhelmed and drowning, your dynamic is not going to last. You may not plan it, but you will start to withdraw. You need space and before you know it… there is an obvious change in tone.
As soon as your partner notices the change, and they will, things will get even more complicated. People, particularly submissive types, who feel their partner pulling away, tend to panic. Their first reaction is to cling harder, to need more. And because this is the exact opposite of what the Dom needs… it will push things to end even faster.
The Dom feels like a failure because they are giving all they have to give, to the point sometimes, where there isn’t enough left for themselves—and it’s still not enough. All of their energy is going to helping someone else, which means there is nothing left to run their own lives. Burnout occurs, and many times this leads to the Dom slowly disappearing.
Don’t get me wrong… that slow fade is the worst thing a Dom can do. When you take on the responsibility of another person, you can’t just vanish on them. It’s terribly damaging, especially to submissive people. However, when you feel like you can’t breathe, and are just too overwhelmed to function… running away is a natural human instinct.
So, how do you avoid this?
This is totally on the Dominant partner. Subs, of all types, need care. That’s simply how it is and you need to be aware of that going in. If you have nothing to give them, then a bedroom player or casual partner is probably best for you.
So, your first step is to make sure that the kind of dynamic you are entering is one that fits what you have to give. Upfront discussions can help with some of this, knowing what type of bottom you have, for instance, will help.
Some need more than others, of course. Even service subs, who get so much joy from giving to you, and doing things for you, still require care, although they tend to be on the low end of the needy spectrum.
Littles and Brats are on the far end of the spectrum requiring a lot of time and energy. Slaves can also require a lot of energy, though for different reasons. The type of relationship matters too. A 24/7 dynamic is going to require a lot more than a casual part-time arrangement.
Maybe you don’t have the time or bandwidth to be a full-time Daddy to a bratty Little, but you could be an Uncle who visits on the weekend to punish them for all the naughtiness they’ve gotten up to during the week.
Maybe you want a submissive because you love to help people, and getting to punish them when they break a rule is hot, but you can’t constantly be checking on them. In that case, you find a sub who can be trusted to keep track of their own mistakes. Some really nice office/school scenes can come from a sub who has to keep a punishment journal where they list all their infractions, and you schedule a day to take care of them.
There are plenty of ways to make a D/s relationship work, even if you don’t have a ton of time, but if you want it to last, then you have to be in the right relationship, and you have to set boundaries upfront. You are the only person who can decide how much time and energy you are able to devote to the care of someone else, while still leaving enough left for you.
You can’t take on a high demand submissive and then expect them to need less. It’s not realistic in the long-term. Sure, “Please behave yourself this week because I’m stressed over this project,” is a totally reasonable request that you can expect a partner to fill, but if that’s what they get week after week… it’s not going to work.
Your second step is to decide whether you need to set firm boundaries around your time and energy. If you have a fairly uncomplicated life, with lots of free time, or you are someone who wants to have a dynamic where you’re involved in everything… then you might not need to do this. Again, only you can decide your needs.
But if you have a hectic life with a lot of responsibilities, then making that clear from the get-go is going to be essential. It is far easier to set these limits at the beginning. Walking it back later when you realize you don’t have time for it, can lead to its own set of complications—like a self-conscious submissive who feels like they have to hide things so they aren’t a bother.
The third step, and this is the hardest, is to stick to those boundaries or… decide where they can be adjusted. I say decide, meaning, don’t just forget about them as you take on more and more. You can set limits and then slowly allow them to expand based on changing needs.
What you can’t do is give up or ignore the boundaries you set, take on more, and then lash out at the submissive for being ‘too needy’, when you are the one who has taken on more work. What you can’t do, is take on way too much and then sneak out the back door when you realize you can’t breathe.
Some people draw a line in the beginning, determined to keep their effort at a certain level. An example of this would be: “I will help you with this one thing you are having trouble with, and we can play, but I can’t handle any more than that.” It’s also an example of excellent boundary setting, by the way. But then, over time, they realize they enjoy the control and want to take on more.
They could then offer to help with other things. Maybe expand to a whole list of rules they will be enforcing. The relationship could become a full-time thing. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s done with careful thought and consideration.
Remember, wanting to be in charge of everything, and being able to handle it are two different things. Make your decisions based on what you have the ability to do right now, and not what you would like to do. Plan for reality and not a best-case scenario, because we all know best-case rarely happens. There are always things that pop up.
Let me repeat this part, because it’s important. As the Dominant, you need to set boundaries and limits around what you can handle. There is no such thing as a sub that’s too needy (within healthy parameters, of course.) There is just a sub who has too many needs for you.
Decide what you can handle and don’t go beyond it, because once you do… it’s a slow slide to the bottom. And if you originally decided that you would be more involved, but life changed and your ability has shrunk… that happens too and it’s hard on both of you.
But pretending things haven’t changed won’t help. Pushing your needs aside to keep taking care of them while your energy slowly drains away won’t fix the problem. Open communication about what is going on is always preferred over trying to fit some stoic Dominant ideal. You will crack and things will start to fall apart.
You absolutely can pause and reset with new boundaries that reflect where you are now. Will it be easy? No. Will your sub be upset or hurt? Maybe… and that’s okay too. They are allowed to feel that way when things change. Your honesty in this will be important though, so they know why it’s happening.
They will probably need to be reassured that it’s not them being ‘too needy’ and pushing you away. They won’t believe you, but they still need to hear it. It will help if you can explain in detail why you need to do less.
And then you can discuss where your energy will best be spent. Maybe things need to just be play for a while. No heavy rules and discipline, just fun.
Maybe you need to back off supervising so many things. Pick the essentials (for me that’s always health and safety) and let the rest drop for a while.
Maybe your submissive needs to take on more responsibility for themselves for a bit, and track and report their mistakes, so you don’t have to chase them around checking.
There are a lot of ways to lighten the load. Of course, it’s best not to let the load get too heavy to begin with, but we can’t always control where life takes us.
I would like to wrap up with one last thing.
I wasn’t kidding about the stoic Dom ideal. In my experience, a lot of Dominants, especially men, have trouble admitting they’ve gotten in over their head. This is where the ghosting comes in. They feel real shame when they can’t do the job they signed up to do, and rather than being honest and open about what’s going on… they just say nothing.
Or they try to convince the submissive that nothing has changed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything is fine.” “You’re being more of a brat lately and it’s exhausting!” “I’m just busy and tired.”
Your submissive knows something is wrong. They know something has changed. And trying to pretend it hasn’t will just trigger panic. “I’m just busy and tired,” is not enough of an excuse for why the whole tone of the relationship has shifted, because those are temporary things and when a tone shifts… it doesn’t feel temporary.
If your relationship matters and you want it to continue, then honest and open communication about why it’s changed is essential. If you don’t want it to continue, then end it as gently as you can. Do not, and I can’t emphasize this enough, do not let it get to the point where you feel you have to just vanish from their lives. That’s the easy way out, for you, but it’s the worst for them.
That decision will override every good memory and experience they’ve had with you. It will leave them with trauma that will make their next relationship even harder. It will be another bit of proof that they are ‘too needy’ and believe me when I say most submissives already feel that.
If you are not strong enough to set boundaries and stick with them…
If you are not strong enough to be honest with your sub about changing abilities…
If you are not strong enough to end a relationship that you can no longer handle…
… then you aren’t strong enough to be a Dominant in a D/s dynamic, and you would be better off sticking to casual play.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 