This article is continued from Part One
People who are new to D/s often struggle with what kind of rules to incorporate in their relationship, if any. In the first section of this article we talked about daily rules and why we use them. Whether or not you want to have them is going to depend on the kind of relationship you have, but I do think small things like this are really important.
Do you struggle to find enough D/s time? Does the submissive in the relationship sometimes feel like they don’t have the opportunity to express that side of themselves enough? Or, do they often get an attitude and need to be reminded of their place? Those are signs that your relationship is lacking something and it’s possible that a daily reminder might be helpful.
I also think it can be used to help with self-esteem and abandonment issues if the right task is chosen. Bigger issues might be solved with longer submissive assignments. For instance, a sub who is learning about themselves, or a sub who needs to communicate better can be given writing assignments to help their Dom better understand them but those are probably too much effort to be a daily task and should be used at other times.
What you want to remember is to keep the daily task simple. Adding another trying chore to a busy day is only going to cause more stress and that’s the opposite of what you’re going for. For a submissives being reminded that they are owned and loved should give them some peace—a little oasis in the middle of the chaos.
If the task you are trying to include is causing more stress, then maybe you need to consider something else. There are lots of options out there and I’ll give you a short list of ideas in a second just to get you started. Find something that works for you both and then give it a try, but don’t be afraid to drop it and move on to something else if it’s not helping.
You should always revisit any rule after a while to see if it’s having the effect you want. If not, try something else. The biggest reasons for a D/s relationship to fail are lack of communication, and inflexibility. If a rule isn’t working, it needs to be discussed, no matter what the rule is. If you think your sub needs to sleep eight hours a day, but they fail every day and only can manage six are you actually helping them with that rule?
Consider how long they’ve been trying without success, because if it’s been weeks or months then regardless of whether or not you think eight hours is healthy you need to reconsider it. Failing at a basic task day after day is demoralizing to your sub and damaging to the relationship. People are individuals and they don’t fit into boxes mentally, emotionally, or physiologically. So yes, while eight hours is healthy for some people, for others it just doesn’t work.
And this is just as important for a daily submissive task. If you give them something they dread and mope over it’s not going to have any benefit to them at all. But if you find the right one…you’ll see some positive benefits. While I think you can probably come up with plenty of ideas on your own, here’s a quick list of suggestions including some I mentioned already. These would all be done daily:
1. Email –use this to check on rules, or come up with your own topics.
2. Doodle/sketch –you absolutely do not have to be an artist for this. Anyone can doodle. If your sub is a little they can do it in crayon, or color something instead.
3. Mood journal
4. Five-minute meditation
5. Listen to a song the Dom has picked, or one that has meaning to both of you. The Dom can set up a whole playlist to allow you to choose a different one each day and report which you heard.
6. Writing a phrase/Saying a phrase out loud.
7. A continuous story, where you add 1-2 sentences per day. Can be done by the sub only, or interactive with the sub and Dom both adding to it daily.
8. Internet scavenger hunt—Dom assigns random thing to search for. “Find me a picture of a purple lily and e-mail/text by noon.”
9. Wearing collar or other item of submission for a short time each day.
10. Listing one positive quality about themselves each day.
11. Cleaning/polishing an item of submission each day. (Collar, paddle, strap, cuffs etc)
12. Answer a different question each day like: “Tell me what implement you hate most?” “Tell me a fantasy you had recently.” This can get old fast for the Dom because it involves thinking up new things every day, but for a short-term task it can be really useful to get to know your sub’s thoughts.
13. Holding a submissive pose for a few minutes—some form of kneeling for example.
There are also some sexual ones you can try if your D/s has a lot sexual context. A Dom might have the sub ‘edge’ (come close to orgasm and then back off without climax) for a few minutes each morning. Or actually have their sub masturbate with orgasm once a day while thinking of them.
Most of these things, and the daily task rule itself are going to be more useful if you don’t have a 24/7 in-person dynamic. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it If you live together and see each other daily, it just means you probably already have the sub doing at least one thing a day for you simply because you’re the one in charge.
But balancing marriage or partnership with D/s can be difficult at times and it’s easy to let the D/s aspect drop when things get hectic, so If you don’t have them doing something as a submissive for you daily then it might be something to discuss adding. However, depending on the situation your sub may not have a lot of time so it may need to be something very quick.
Little side note here– This shouldn’t actually need to be said, but I’m just going to throw this out there. If the sub and Dom both work full-time, the sub should not be responsible for all the household tasks just because they are the one on the bottom. Working full-time, cleaning a house alone, and cooking is too much for any person even if they are submissive, and if you add kids to that it gets doubly hard.
But submissive partners often have trouble voicing things like “It’s not fair that I have to do all of this.” They may even say they are fine doing it all and the Dom doesn’t need to help because they do enjoy serving—but that is the fastest way for a sub to burn out and end up being resentful about the dynamic.
So, don’t be the Dom who assumes your sub can work all day, then rush home and get dinner on the table for you, clean the kitchen afterwards, and still feel like kneeling at your feet while you watch tv. Even if you have to overrule the sub and tell them you’re helping whether they like it or not, this is something that you as the Dominant can’t just sit back on and allow—not if you want to keep your relationship healthy.
Being overwhelmed and exhausted leads to panic, which leads to “I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too much.” The submissive will feel like a failure for not being able to do it all, but the truth is no one could handle all of that. The need to serve isn’t a logical one for subs, it’s emotional. They want to cater and serve their Dom, but in this modern world where everyone has to work just to get by it isn’t feasible all of the time.
Since they may not be able to ask you to do the laundry this time, or take over cooking duties because they are tired, you as their protector and Dominant need to be aware of that need and step in without the “I would have helped but she didn’t ask…” mantra that a lot of people fall into in relationships. Your sub shouldn’t need to ask for your help if you’re paying attention and your place as the Dom doesn’t absolve you from taking on your share of the duties of being a partner.
You know your situation best and what the submissive has time to accomplish, but my suggestions are mostly all very quick. For instance, one nice fast thing that sets the right tone when you live together but doesn’t take much time is going old-school and having them fetch your slippers when you come home. It gives them the chance to kneel at your feet to put them on you too which is nice and tummy-flippy if done right.
Or it could be something as easy as having them go start the shower for you so it’s warm, get your coffee ready for you when you wake up, shave your face—there are lots of things that can be done in under five minutes when you’re present together.
Remember that these things can be arbitrary because it doesn’t matter what the rule is; it just matters that there is one.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 