THE DANGER OF HAVING A SUBMISSIVE PERSONALITY

There are those who choose to submit in a D/s dynamic or scene because they enjoy it, but are not otherwise submissive. These people who submit for pleasure, tend to have a pretty healthy understanding of when submission is appropriate.

Bedroom submissives, among others, fall into this category. They probably won’t be wearing a collar in public, outside of a Scene venue. They probably won’t be letting their kink partners make long lists of rules for them either.

Some of the subbiest people in the scene I’ve ever met have very powerful, dominant roles in the outside world. They are fine with being in charge, submission during their off hours is just a relief.

They might be judges or doctors, or managers who boss around a whole building full of people, and they have absolutely no problem doing that… and then setting it aside when it’s time to play. Submission may feel natural to them, in a specific place, with a certain person, but they don’t go through life constantly bending to suit other people.

They are good at setting boundaries because they limit their submission to kink, and don’t allow it to impact the rest of their life. In other words, these are people who only submit when and where they choose.

But today we’re going to talk about another kind of submissive. Those who are submissive by nature, by personality. It’s not necessarily a kink thing, though they can also choose to submit as part of the scene.

Read more: THE DANGER OF HAVING A SUBMISSIVE PERSONALITY

Many of these people really struggle with boundaries and limits. And let me be very specific… this isn’t about gender. Women are no more naturally submissive than anyone else.

This is just about personality. Submission is deeply ingrained in some people, and they tend to be submissive in all parts of their life.

In the world we live in… this often isn’t healthy.

We’re not talking about kink, or a submissive role taken on in the scene. This isn’t a choice they are making to submit.

It’s just their personality and unfortunately unless they surround themselves with good people who look out for them, often they get abused or taken advantage of because they don’t fight back.

They are unable to say no, even when they want to. Even when they know they should.

They might say “I just don’t like conflict” or “It’s not a big deal. I don’t mind really” but what it comes down to is that they just can’t stand up for themselves.

Some have always been like this. They were probably the obedient ‘easy’ child for their parents. They were the person who always took on an extra shift to be a team player, even when they were exhausted. They were the kid who gave the bully their lunch money every day.

This is just who they are.

Others have been beat down by life, abused, trained to think they don’t have the right to say no and now it’s just part of them.

However, some of these ‘submissive by nature’ people are also kinky, and they come into the BDSM world in the same way most of us do. Suddenly, for the first time they are in a place where their submissive nature might feel natural. Where their submission isn’t considered a flaw.

They might even be told they are better than other submissives, because it’s built into them at such a deep level. And that can be amazingly flattering to hear, since the rest of their life people have been telling them that they are broken for not fighting for themselves.

Flattering… but not a good thing. We’ll circle back to that in a minute.

Submissives by nature don’t tend to do well on their own. They need people backing them up, protecting them, pushing them. So when they enter the scene, it’s usually not long before they submit.

In fact there’s often almost a desperate need to find a Dom as fast as possible, because now it all finally makes sense. This is what they were made for.

And when they choose to submit in a D/s dynamic, it can either be really good for them… or really bad.

A good Dom with strong ethics, who knows what they are doing, will help a submissive learn to stand on their own feet. They will encourage them to be stronger.

The rules they give will be meant to protect the submissive, from themselves if necessary. But they won’t take away their agency. In fact, it will encourage them to find their inner strength and make choices.

Sometimes people who are submissive by nature enter the Scene and find a new understanding of submission. It can teach them about boundaries and limits and consent, which actually leads to them becoming less submissive with the general public.

Or rather, it can lead to them focusing all of that submission onto their D/s relationship, while finding the strength to stand up for themselves in other places. I’ve said this before, but the kink world can be an incredibly healthy place when you surround yourself with the right people and the right resources.

And even those who don’t find that inner ability to set boundaries on their own, can still find their lives get easier when they have Dominant, and not just because of the help the Dom actively gives, but also because being in a stable D/s relationship can make you feel stronger.

To be clear… the latter isn’t usually a permanent change. This is a submissive borrowing a bit of strength from their Dom and using it as a shield against the world.

It forces them to actually consider the situation and make a choice instead of giving in on autopilot. Because now… if they don’t say no to others… then they might be in trouble with their Dom.

For instance:

“I hate saying no to people… but my boss has asked me to stay over every single night this week. I’m the only one putting in so many hours and I’m tired. My Dom says I’m not allowed to do it anymore, which means I have to make a choice between disobeying her… or standing up for myself with my boss.”

“My friend keeps borrowing money from me. She always has a sob story, and she always says she’ll pay me back, but she never does. Last week I couldn’t buy groceries because I gave everything I had to her… so my Dom says I’m not allowed to lend her anything else until she pays me back. I don’t want to be in trouble, so I’m just going to have to tell her no this time.”

It doesn’t suddenly make saying no to other people easy, but it can help. It’s one way that D/s can actively make your life better in non-kinky ways.

The problem comes when these subs stumble into a Dominant who isn’t safe, stable, or healthy. It is so much easier for this type of submissive to end up in a bad relationship, and then be unable to help themselves or get out of it because they can’t say no.

Being unable to say no to someone who has the ‘power’ to control you to such a deep level can lead to some horrifying abuse.

Your boss making you take all the other shifts is a jerk… but at least he’s only at work. Your friend borrowing all your money is taking advantage of you, but at least she isn’t trying to take over your whole life. An abusive Dominant on the other hand, can invade every aspect of your life, controlling everything and locking you down before you even understand what’s happening.

And the likelihood of a fragile subby type being claimed by an abuser is so much higher, because of that frantic need for someone to take control and protect them.

Flattery pours in and sweeps them off their feet.
“You’re such a natural submissive… you’re perfect.”

“You’re the most submissive woman I’ve ever had. I can’t wait to show you off. Everyone will be so jealous.”

“I love how quickly you’ve learned to obey me.”

Finally you feel like you’re where you belong. Being unable to say no is clearly a plus in this situation, and before you know it, you have a brand-new Dom. It’s even nice at first.

The Dom takes the pressure off by making all the decisions. They don’t push you to stand up for yourself all the time—they actually love it that you just do as you’re told. Which reinforces the idea that letting other people be in charge is how it’s supposed to be.

But Doms like that turn abusive quickly. They relish that power and control, and they enjoy flexing it. They use you, and only give back when they feel like it. Sure they might encourage you to say no to other people, but only because it emphasizes that they are the one who owns you, not because it’s good for you.

They might tell you that a real sub doesn’t have limits or boundaries. And if you do have things you know you don’t want, they might push, trying to change your mind. Which of course, you eventually will because you want to please them.

This is a situation that people who choose to be submissive rarely get into and this is why it’s so important for people with submissive personalities to find their voice and their power. Standing up and saying no might be one of the hardest things in the world, but you need to do it.

The Scene is only healthy if you are with non-toxic people. So please, watch for those red flags. Listen to your inner warnings and if something doesn’t seem right… pay attention to it.

If your D/s partners are not encouraging you to find your inner strength, if they seem proud of the fact that you can’t tell them no, or safe word, or in any way disagree with them… then you should know that you are very likely in an abusive relationship. Or one that will turn abusive soon.

I know saying no is hard and maybe you can’t do it on your own. Find a Dominant friend to help. There are many people in the Scene who will stand behind you and back you up, when you can’t do it yourself.

And if you can’t then I’m here. I’m telling you right now that a good submissive says no when they need to.

A good submissive sets boundaries and limits.

A good submissive in the kink world, a true submissive, is one who finds some kind of joy or contentment in submitting. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Literally the only requirement, because we don’t gatekeep around here.

You’re not a ‘true’ submissive because you never safeword. You’re not ‘a better sub’ because you give up all control. If any Dom is telling you that… then you should be wary of them.

The difficult truth here is that being a naturally submissive person doesn’t make you a better D/s type submissive, but it does make you more vulnerable to abuse in the Scene and out of it.

My next post to follow this one will be: THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO

As you can see the topics are connected. Hopefully, there will be some ideas that will help those of you who struggle with standing up for yourself.