DOM, DOMME, OR DOMINATRIX?

Let’s talk about the FemDom side of BDSM.

There are a lot of Dominant women in the BDSM world, more every year, I’d say. I was lucky that some of my earliest events were run by women, so I started off thinking it was entirely normal to have a large number of female Dominants around.

I later found that to be a little misleading. They are there… but typically at most events and clubs I find the number of male Dominants vastly outweighs the female. This, along with… shall we say, ‘historical views on women’ means that sometimes the female Doms don’t get as much respect as they should.

Read more: DOM, DOMME, OR DOMINATRIX?

Gender isn’t really a huge concern for me, so I’ve had both male and female Doms over the years. I’m bisexual, and also quite a lot of my kink relationships have been discipline focused or completely non-sexual, so whether my Dom was male, or female has never really mattered to me.

However, in recent years my relationships have tended toward M/F and so have my books, which means the blog has been more focused on male Dom/female submissive perspectives. Those are the topics that pop up around me, not a preference.

I would love to write more about the women who dominate, if anyone has any questions or suggestions for topics. Just email me or let me know in the comments, and I’ll add it to the list.

For today, I want to cover some basic definitions. I’ve had a few questions on the differences between these words, and I realized I’d never really done them, except tangentially while discussing other topics.

BDSM/Kink world definitions can be a little difficult because so many terms mean what people want them to mean, but these are pretty basic across the board, for the most part.

Dom:

Dom is short for Dominant—a person who dominates. I.e. the person on top in a power-exchange relationship. Simple, right?

Dom is also not gendered. There is absolutely no reason that it can’t be used for any Dominant person, and I prefer to do that, except when there might be confusion about who you’re talking about.

Domme:

Domme is simply a female Dominant. It is the male word Dom with the pseudo-French feminine inflection tacked onto the end. This is not an old word, as things go. It’s only been around about twenty-five years, and I’ve never liked it.

I find the term Domme to be unnecessary most of the time, especially when they give it the fake inflection on the end, pronouncing it as Dom-May.

One reason I dislike it is because it’s very easy for Brats to turn it into an insult, and I’ve seen it happen a number of times in their quest for punishment. But really, the main reason is just that it’s not necessary to gender this word.

As a society, we are slowly moving away from gendered terms. Waiter/Waitress is now more commonly waitstaff or server. Just like Steward/Stewardess is now usually flight attendant. I see no reason for the BDSM world to be moving backwards in this.

Domme does come in useful when you want to be clear that you’re speaking about a woman. In book scenes where there are male and female Doms, it makes a handy way to differentiate who is talking, but otherwise I rarely use it.

Domina:

If you want a more feminine word, I suggest Domina instead. I know it’s a term some people like to use, though it’s not as popular or common as Domme. Unlike Domme, Domina is a real word outside of The Scene, with a definition of its own. It’s not just a feminized version of a word.

Historically a Domina was a woman of high rank or high social status. In various languages it means Lady, or Mistress, so I’m sure you can see why it ended up as a scene title.

Dominatrix:

A Dominatrix is a professional Dominant (Pro-Dom). When someone is a ‘pro’ or a ‘professional’ it simply means they get paid for their work. This is not a judgement of quality or a statement of experience.

Dominatrixes (or Dominatrices) are usually hired for sessions, and although most will take steady clients with regular scheduled sessions, they aren’t usually involved in your life beyond those transactional windows.

There are a few women who use the term Dominatrix, but don’t charge. It’s unusual, but they still tend to consider submissives ‘clients’ and still restrict the relationship to those sessions.

It might be how they maintain an emotional distance from the people they dominate.

Ma’am:

Ma’am is just a generic title/term of respect for a female Dominant. It’s the feminine equivalent of Sir. Some prefer that subs use this in place of any other name or title of respect. Others might just require it as a respectful response when answering. As in “Yes Ma’am. I’ll be right there.”

Mistress:

Mistress is starting to fall out of favor, I’ve heard. I still see it used a lot, but I do think it’s less popular than it used to be.

Partly this might be because there is a much wider variety of terms available now… but more likely it’s that the word has a lot of definitions and not all of them are complimentary.

According to the University of Cambridge:
“Throughout history ‘mistress’ was a term with a multiplicity of meanings, like so many forms of female address. In his Dictionary of 1755, Samuel Johnson defined mistress as: ‘1. A woman who governs; correlative to subject or servant; 2 A woman skilled in anything; 3. A woman teacher; 4. A woman beloved and courted; 5. A term of contemptuous address; 6. A whore or concubine.’”
(https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles )

That is quite a lot of different roles for a woman to fill. And the number of different definitions can cause some confusion when you refer to someone as your Mistress.

Lady/Goddess/Queen are all in the same family of terms/titles.

Mommy/ MommyDom:

Mommy is a female Dominant who is more of a caregiver or nurturer type. While she may be strict and stern, she is also taking on something of a parental role in the relationship. This is the equivalent of DaddyDom.

FemDom

FemDom is a relationship or genre where the woman is the Dominant partner. The submissive partner can be either male or female.

It is sometimes spelled as FemDomme, but that’s redundant, since the ‘Fem’ part already clarified that it was a woman. And it’s still pronounced as Fem-Dom, so it really makes no sense to me.

One last thing before I wrap this up…

I’ve been defining the more recognized female terms for a woman Dominant here, but I should mention that some women prefer to use the male terms. There’s nothing wrong with this, and it’s not exactly new. I mean, women have been using ‘masculine’ terms for years.

For instance, Master, traditionally a male term, has been applied to an expert of a trade, regardless of gender, for hundreds of years. In the English language the male term is often used as the default, and as the plural when mixed gender groups are involved.

Having male as the default isn’t always a good thing. In fact, it’s something society is trying to move away from, but that’s a whole different conversation. Some women might feel using a male term is a reclamation of power as a result though.

Anyway, for whatever reason… I know a number of women who use Sir, and female Daddies are starting to become quite common as well. In the end… sometimes people just find a title/role that they identify with. It fits, even if they don’t understand why.

Maybe it’s not traditionally a role people would expect you to fill, or a title they would expect you to use, but if it works for you that’s all that matters. I have it on good authority that Daddy just feels different from Mommy. And that Sir is just a whole different vibe from Ma’am.

I agree with that. I’ve had female Dominants who went by Sir and yes, it’s different.

You can’t dominate other people well, if you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. So, use whatever works for you. If none of these terms fit you… then make your own.

Or don’t use any special term at all. After all… Jane is still going to be the Dominant in charge, even if people call her Jane. Right?