There are two major problems that come up with how people relate to romance novels.
- People go crazy over a popular novel and start trying to incorporate the things from the book into their life, without doing proper research first.
- People get angry because things in a novel aren’t realistic enough in them.
Both problems come from the basic assumption that what people are reading is true to life, or supposed to be, but most romance books are not usually meant to be realistic. The kinds of things that sell in fiction are not necessarily healthy or safe, because fiction is for entertainment and not for education.
Do you know how many submissives entered the scene expecting to meet Mr. Grey after Fifty Shades blew up, only to find out that people like Mr. Grey tend to be fake Doms and abusers?
Too many.
And this isn’t a dis on Fifty Shades. They weren’t to my taste, but I know people who love them, and that’s fine. There are a lot of people in the D/s lifestyle who are angry with those books, but I’m not one of them.
Their issue is mainly because of how many inexperienced subs, and wanna-be Doms/abusers started popping up after the books came out. There was a deluge of inexperienced newbies rushing into kink spaces, with very wrong ideas of what BDSM is about, and it caused a lot of issues.
But I don’t blame the books or the movies for that, because people should never use fiction as a template. No, my issue is with people who don’t bother to do one second of research, before they rush to try things that they aren’t ready for. They read fiction, romance, and somehow expect it to be the real deal.
Never mind that we never really see any normal representation of a lifestyle relationship in those books anyway. We saw a billionaire who could have anything he wanted, and what he wanted was for this one woman to be submissive, whether she liked it or not.
He was never a normal Dom. Anytime you add massive amounts of money and mental health issues, you are levitating things out of the realm of the norm. He didn’t have her sign a contract and NDA because that was normal in a D/s relationship (it’s not) like people thought. He had her sign it because he was a freaking billionaire, and he didn’t want to end up in court having to pay her millions.
Christian had money. Money is power. He had severe mental health issues for multiple reasons. I vaguely recall that he’d actually started out in the scene submitting to a much older woman, while he was still a minor. If I’m remembering right, so we don’t even know how much of the real Scene he even experienced.
We don’t see normal people engaging in kink. We don’t see a regular play party. We don’t see a standard BDSM club. We see a billionaire in his million dollar ‘red room’ and some random girl he decided he wanted out of the blue.
What he brought Ana into was a careful curated reality that only a very wealthy person is able to live in, and it bore no real resemblance to normal healthy kink.
Which is fine, because it was fiction. It was meant to excite, entertain, and titillate—and it should have stopped there, because it was just fiction. Instead, people began using it as a template for how the lifestyle should be lived. They chose partners based on it. “Looking for my Mr. Grey” was very popular on dating sites for years.
And it was an impossible dream to begin with, because none of them had the money to replicate the exact situation that made it all possible in the fictional world. It caused a lot of damage, which is always going to happen when people jump into the deep end without learning how to swim first.
But I think the world was ready for kink to step into mainstream, and if it hadn’t been 50 Shades that went huge, it would have been some other kinky romance, and there would have been some other unrealistic tropes for people to complain about.
I think the books have done more good than harm to the kink world, but I’m not going to get into that today. If you’re interested in more of my thoughts on those books, I’ve written about it already here: https://kessilylewel.com/2019/06/25/should-fictional-relationships-be-required-to-model-healthy-behavior-for-readers/
So just to be clear: It’s fine to act out fictional scenes in the bedroom. I’ve done the whole ‘chasing roses’ scene from the Beauty Trilogy with subs on multiple occasions. It’s lots of fun.
I’ve been told by readers that some of my scenes have enhanced certain parts of their -uh- lives, but that’s just roleplaying for fun. It adds a little spice to things to play pretend sometimes, but no fictional book should be used as an ideal for how a relationship should go.
Be inspired by romance. Be motivated to go and learn from non-fiction sources. Don’t try to mimic the relationships you see in a romance book. You will be disappointed or worse.
And I know I’ve said all of this before, but it bears repeating—because people still don’t get it. Fiction and non-fiction are not the same thing, and while the audience does crossover between both, people do not expect the same things out of them.
Sure, there is some fiction out there that people buy and love because of how realistically things are portrayed, but that’s rarely in the romance genre. When most people buy romance books, they aren’t looking to read a novel that mimics real life. They are looking for a fantasy.
“Why are men in romance always so thoughtful and caring?” Fantasy.
“Why are so many of these books about billionaires who want the poor girl?” Fantasy.
“Why is it that the big powerful shifter always wants the little human?” Fantasy.
“Why does the gorgeous male character always fall for the mousy woman?” Fannnnntasyyyyyy.
Pretty much any question you have about a romance book, the answer is going to boil down to: “It’s fantasy and people want to immerse themselves in a pleasant dream.”
Authors can give you a taste of realism sometimes. We can give you authentic emotions. We can give you some realistic situations. We can give you representation with larger bodies, disabled bodies, people from all different cultures and skin colors, so you can identify with the characters. We can give you a good representation of a healthy relationship. (Better pick one or two though, because chances are good you’re not getting all of those in one book.)
But at the end of the day, it is fiction and people aren’t looking for a how-to manual when they pick up a novel. The idea is to give you enough realism that you aren’t jolted out of the book, when something strikes you as especially weird.
So, yeah two people who just met might discuss safe sex/condoms, or at least have a panic moment over forgetting, because it would surprise readers if they didn’t. But we’re not going to start every sex scene with the same wrapping it up routine. Readers will get bored.
And yes, absolutely sometimes you’re going to see things in romance books that would set off red flags in real life, because the fantasy of it is hot for a lot of readers.
Here’s a secret… my bestselling books are the ones where I tone the reality way back. The more healthy relationship stuff I put in, the smaller the audience for it is. And I’m fine with that sometimes.
I do like to show healthy dynamics in most books. Some characters lean that way naturally, but I don’t feel like I’m required to make them role models to readers, because I don’t think readers should be using my characters as an example of how their relationship should go.
Please remember, I am not providing sex ed. I am providing an exciting fantasy.
Whether the characters are toxic people who should be in therapy, or super perfect icons who do everything right… they are still a fantasy and shouldn’t be emulated.
There is a reason why people love Hallmark movies. The big city businesswoman who gets trapped in the small town over Christmas, falls in love with the single tree farmer, and gives up her entire life to stay with him… is not real. Very few people watching that movie are seriously thinking “Man, this is so unrealistic,” because they know going in that it won’t be. That is the selling point.
Would that big city exec actually give up the career she worked five years to master? No, probably not. She’d have a fun fling and then head back to the city, but that doesn’t leave you with the big romantic happy ending, which is what people want.
It’s a fantasy. It’s a comfort watch. It’s fun, but it’s not real life.
This is also true of romance novels. The romance genre has a few hard requirements that make it nearly impossible for these books to be ‘true to life’ and the main one is that a Happy Ever After is required. It’s not optional. If it’s a romance novel, then there must be a Happy Ending (HEA) or at least a Happy For Now (HFN). There are very few exceptions to this.
Even dark romance usually has some kind of a happy ending, and if it doesn’t readers are angry. I mean mob and pitchfork kind of angry, because they expected to see people happy at the end. It’s the promise they are given, when they buy into the fantasy. That no matter how many times the couple fights over a simple miscommunication, it will be okay in the end.
Near death? Don’t worry, they’ll be fine. Third act breakup? It’s okay; they’ll get back together soon.
In real life… those things aren’t guaranteed.
And if your happiness isn’t guaranteed, then you need to be careful about the risks you take. No matter how exciting a romance novel is, make sure you do your research before diving in to try the things you read in them. And make sure your research is from trusted non-fiction sources.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 