When Boundaries and Limits Conflict

So, a couple weeks ago, we talked about whether withholding affection was abusive or not. The topic came up, as many do here, because of a question I saw online.  In this case, there was a book scene where the Daddy withheld affection from the Little as punishment, and it seemed abusive to some readers.

I covered that topic pretty thoroughly, I think, and you can read it here: Is Withholding Affection as Punishment Abuse?

But to sum it up… it really depends on the people involved and what their limits are. It’s easy to view things through a lens of our own experiences, but what looks like abuse to you… might be perfectly fine for someone else. Everyone tolerates different things.

I mentioned at the time that I had a perfect example of this, and I was going to discuss it in a separate post, because it combined well with another topic—and here we are.

Read more: When Boundaries and Limits Conflict

I’ve had Doms who withheld affection when they were annoyed. With some Doms I was able to accept it as a punishment and nothing more. With others it did feel like abuse, and when I was in a healthy place, I knew it was something we’d have to discuss, because it wasn’t good for me.

(When my headspace wasn’t so stable and healthy, unfortunately, I usually just accepted it without saying anything, even though it was hurting me. Sometimes, as a submissive, saying no can be hard. And I think many of us have had times when we couldn’t say no—but that’s a topic for a different day and we won’t be discussing that right now.)

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what caused the difference in how I reacted to the same punishment. Maybe it was where I was emotionally. Maybe it was my confidence in our relationship overall.

Withholding affection can make you feel unloved and unwanted, if you’re not secure in your relationship. If you absolutely believe someone loves you, and they just aren’t showing that love for a short time, it’s easier not to get too upset about it.

Sometimes there are small nuances that you can’t read on a surface level, but they resonate underneath and affect your emotions. It might have been subconscious hints I was picking up, or the type of submissive I was at the time.

Either way, I’ve learned that having affection withheld is not always something I can handle.

You might wonder what this has to do with the title of the article. So far, we haven’t talked much about any conflicting boundaries. Well, I’m getting to that now.

With this one particular Dom, I brought up the subject of affection, and how it was negatively affecting me to have it taken away as a punishment. We had a discussion… and then ran into a roadblock.

Choosing to back off and be cold to me wasn’t totally a conscious choice of punishment for him. Every time I was in trouble he’d go emotionless, so it felt like it was meant to be part of it.

He even presented it that way when I mentioned how hard it was to feel that cold from him. “Then you shouldn’t have gotten in trouble,” was a response I heard more than once. So, it definitely seemed like the lack of affection was deliberate. And… to a certain extent… it was, just not for the reason I thought.

He had limits around interacting with someone when he was upset or angry with them. These limits went back to his own baggage and involved childhood abuse because of parents who couldn’t control their anger issues and would lash out to extremes.

He had basically trained himself to shut down his emotions and ‘go cold’ to avoid ever being abusive to anyone. It had been like that since he was a teenager.

But this is a good thing for any Dom, right? After all, “Don’t punish in anger,” is a rule all Doms should follow, and you can’t punish in anger if you’re not feeling anything. But there was more to it than that.

It was literally not possible for him to be affectionate with me while upset, even mildly annoyed over a small thing. A little irritation is not generally going to be enough for a Dominant to need to step away emotionally, but with him it was.

This was a clash of boundaries and limits. The only way to deal with something like this is for both people to sit down, when calm and in a good headspace, and then discuss things until they find a solution that works for both sides.

Doms, please listen to me, on this. Being in charge doesn’t mean always putting your own needs aside. And it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries and limits. That’s not sustainable for a relationship, any more than always making your submissive give way to your needs would be.

Yes, it’s your job to care of them. Yes, you took on that responsibility when you became a Dom, but as they say in the airline business, “Please put on your own air mask before trying to help others.”

Sometimes, in a D/s relationship you’re going to run into conflicts like this. As much as we like to think that Doms are always in control of things… that’s not really the case. Doms are humans, not robotic spank and cuddle machines who can fill all needs at all times, without having any of their own.

To add to the problem, Dominants don’t always feel comfortable talking about their issues, or exposing weaknesses to someone who submits to them. Subs aren’t the only ones who think Doms are supposed to be super strong all the time—a lot of dominant people put too much pressure on themselves to always be capable and secure.

So, he didn’t tell me about his issues, and because I didn’t know why he was shutting down, or why that was part of the punishment he always used… I just assumed he was choosing not to be loving. And I thought the affection came back because I had been punished and was a ‘good girl’ again.

In reality, it came back because he’d had time to calm down, and then stop suppressing everything.

And emotions can’t just be turned on and off like a light switch. Even if whatever he was upset about was a simple thing, and he could calm down in a few minutes, it took time for him to defrost after, before he felt normal to me again.

Now, to be clear, while he was withholding affection, he was still doing all his duties as my Dominant. He wasn’t neglecting me. There was aftercare offered if the situation required it—but it always felt very detached and unemotional. I could cuddle him, his arms were around me, but there was distance that I could feel.

Once I finally brought it up, we had a long talk. He explained; I listened, and a lot of things started to make sense. Communication is almost always the key in problems like this.

My fears and abandonment issues weren’t more important than his need to make sure he kept his emotions in check, or his fears of what would happen if he didn’t shut down. We both had an equal right to have limits. We both had a right to have our issues heard, and then we needed to find a solution for the problem that worked for both of us.

But there was still a roadblock, because this was something he couldn’t stop doing. This was a boundary he’d made to keep himself and others safe and that wasn’t going to change. Was it healthy? I’m sure it wasn’t, but it was what worked for him.

It wasn’t easy finding a solution. When you’re dealing with emotional problems it’s never simple. There were some things he could do about this, once he realized I was struggling, and some things he couldn’t.

Changing his own personality, and his way of dealing with emotions wasn’t an option in the short-term. And I couldn’t just keep accepting a punishment that felt harmful—mostly because once he knew what it was doing to me, he wasn’t okay with it either.

In the end we worked out a different kind of solution. He was going to go cold when he was upset. He couldn’t do anything about that, but it didn’t have to be phrased as part of the punishment, and I didn’t have to be there for it.

So, when he was upset, I would go do other things, and when he was back to normal, then he would deliver the punishment if one was needed. He also stopped saying things that made it sound like the coldness was part of the discipline, which helped a lot.

The relationship worked much better after that. It wasn’t the perfect solution, but it was one we could both live with.

Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for when boundaries cross. One partner’s need doesn’t overrule the other partner’s limit. Doms, are sometimes tempted to drop their own boundaries to give the sub what they need, but if it’s truly a limit and not just a preference, that tends to cause more problems in the long run.

And there is a difference between a limit and a preference. Just like there is a difference between a want and a need. I didn’t just want affection; I needed it. Feeling isolated and frozen out every time I got in trouble was causing me major anxiety and fear for our relationship.

He didn’t just prefer to shut down his emotions; it was automatic and so ingrained in him, that it wasn’t even something he could control.

That left us with two fixed points that couldn’t be moved. To solve the situation, we had to work around the edges and that took time and effort.

I guarantee that as you explore a lifestyle of D/s—actually, scratch that. Honestly, in any kind of relationship, you will run into situations where you have to negotiate a way through that works for both of you.

I think sometimes this is actually easier in D/s, because we have built in language to discuss situations like this, and safety guidelines in place. So, this isn’t even a situation that’s unique to kink.

Any relationship will need this kind of work and effort.

It won’t always be easy and sometimes what you have to determine is whether you’re dealing with limits or preferences; wants or needs. If the conflict involves actual limits on both sides, then you’ll need to do your best to negotiate a common ground. But… sometimes it’s just not possible.

Sometimes limits and boundaries clash to the extent that the relationship is just not going to be able to move forward. It’s unfortunate when that happens, but I’m not going to lie to you, it does.

This is another reason that discussing your boundaries and limits early on is important. Not all conflicts can be solved in a way that works for both sides, and the earlier you know it, the better.

I’d say that in most circumstances, if you put in the effort, you will be able to find some kind of solution that will help. It’s just a matter of how much work you’re willing to do to keep the relationship healthy.

But if it comes down to it… please remember that setting aside your boundaries or trying to suppress your limits, is never going to work as a long-term solution. You have to deal with the situation open and honestly, and then come up with something that meets the needs on both sides, or eventually things will fall apart.