Spanking: Discipline or pleasure, and how to manage both. (Part Two)
*If spanking turns you on can it actually be punishment? And how do you do it? *
Yep, it sure can. There are some deep-level masochists/pain sluts who can literally turn all pain into pleasure, and in their case maybe not (There is an ‘except’ here that I’ll get into in a minute). The rest of us fall on a spectrum. I enjoy a certain amount of pain, and then it stops being fun. The thing about punishments is that you don’t get to say “Okay, I’m done now, thanks!” when you reach that limit.
I often see tops refusing to spank subs because it’s what they were looking for, or they’d just enjoy it anyway so why bother. While that’s a valid viewpoint and there are lots of other punishments you can use instead that will have zero arousal factor…I think when subs push for a punishment spanking it’s usually because they need one. When I push it’s often because I’m feeling unsettled, insecure, needy in general. My temper frays and I snap at people, or I get upset over small things and try to run off. The behavior can come off as bratty or sulky and I’m usually not aware that I’m acting out.
Often a sharp word, a threat is enough to make me realize and I stop. If I don’t stop then it’s because I need an actual punishment. I don’t consciously break real rules if I want to enjoy a spanking, because I know there’s too much angst and guilt over being bad to enjoy it, and I also know it won’t be the nice slow build up I like, but something fast and harsh.
When I want a fun, playful spanking, or a sexy spanking I do not push like that. I play pranks, I tease, I get sarcastic and slapping me down with a boring old essay would deflate that behavior pretty quick. I’d probably pout while doing the essay, and wouldn’t enjoy it at all—which is a good way to settle a brat down if you don’t feel like giving them what you want.
But if real rules are being broken, the assumption that you can’t spank because the submissive would just enjoy it anyway isn’t accurate for most. Let’s separate the physical pain from the emotional pain for a second. This is the ‘except’ I mentioned above. You might not ever be able to give a safe level of pain to a painslut that she can’t turn into physical pleasure but spanking for punishment isn’t about the pain. The pain is a side effect of where you are trying to take someone. Punishment is and has to be about the emotions—the guilt, the regret for disappointing your top, in order for it to do any good. It’s important to add in those other aspects, the lecture/scolding, the waiting time before, corner time after, discussions etc, with some people in order to bring the focus from the physical to the emotional.
The purpose of pain in the punishment is to break down barriers and walls, so those emotions can be felt. It gets through the stubbornness, the attitude, the defensiveness and reduces someone to a more primal place of pure feeling so they can let go of everything and when you come through the other side that includes working through the guilt for messing up too. You bring those feelings to the surface and then you help them to expiate it.
If you spank someone and at the end of it they feel worse, resentful, angry, or sullen then this may not be the right punishment for them, and I say may because I do know people who do feel that way directly after but then given time alone to think things through (perhaps in the corner, or perhaps sitting their bare ass on a hard chair to write lines) they get to the right place eventually. It’s a process and because we’re all unique individuals the process is different for everyone. That’s why it’s important to watch the reactions and listen.
So, what do you do if you’re ready to punish but your submissive is obviously turned on? There are lots of choices. First, as I said, most of the time people like a certain amount of pain for pleasure but once you pass that line the arousal dies off quickly. Starting off with a hard and fast spanking usually kills the sexy pretty fast I find. Slow warm-ups when someone is feeling squirmy and aroused is probably just going to increase those feelings.
Consider if they have a specific implement that they hate and reserve that for punishment sessions. Many people find leather sexy but hate wood with a passion—as they should, it’s hard and unyielding and mean! Other people can take a good paddling but if you bring out the belt suddenly they change their minds. It’s about knowing your person, knowing what they like and what they hate. Punishment isn’t supposed to be fun, and it’s not meant to be enjoyed. (Don’t confuse this with funishment which is a ‘punishment’ scene that you’re roleplaying for enjoyment.)
And of course, there are a few physical things you can do to take care of the arousal before you start. This is going to depend on your relationship to a certain extent, some people have a nonsexual based relationship and may or may not feel awkward about including aspects that can seem sexual. The first is the most obvious—take care of the arousal and then move onto the punishment. This can mean having the submissive masturbate to orgasm, or doing it for her, and then right away, while she’s extra sensitive you punish her. Spankings hurt twice as much then and there’s no longer any arousal to cushion the effects.
Very few people are going to enjoy that, and I know some people with really high pain tolerance who break down and cry when they are punished after an orgasm. Some tops even incorporate it into punishments often arousing the submissive on purpose—just so they can add that extra sensitivity to the spanking.
And I’ll tell you a secret…if your submissive is the type to get turned on by spanking you will probably send her nuclear if, while your hand is between her legs, you lean in and whisper in their ear something like “I want you to enjoy this orgasm, Darlin’, because as soon as it’s over I’m going to take a belt to your ass until you can’t sit down. Ride my hand, baby. Go ahead and come so I can punish my bad girl.” That fight to hold off the orgasm because you know what’s coming after…but wanting it so bad and then finally not being able to stop from tipping over the edge— is intense.
For most submissives I know it not only sends them over, but with skyrockets for a really amazing orgasm, which translates to even more sensitivity for punishment. Best of all, later when she’s not in trouble anymore she has some really hot fantasy material. Again, make sure you know your person, but trust me, this is a trick that works well with many.
Another option, which some people who are non-sexual may prefer, is 1-2 minutes in an ice-cold shower. If you want to be really mean, you then give the spanking on the cold wet skin. The shower tones the arousal down for most people and wet skin doubles the pain so it’s very hard to enjoy anything about the whole experience and it can be very effective.
Personally, I tend to get turned on by the idea of being in trouble. Waiting for a punishment generally has me thinking of nothing else and I can get pretty squirmy but once things start everything changes. Afterwards, after the punishment and the forgiveness I feel clean and calm and relaxed. There is more focus on what I need to do and I’m ready to try again. If the scene makes an appearance in my fantasies later, what difference does it make then? It doesn’t change the positive effects or the feeling that an issue has been resolved.
So, to wrap this up, I think if you want to deliver an effective punishment you need to set the scene and engage the emotions. You want the submissive to feel some guilt, and then you want to help her work through that, so everyone can feel better after. Once you reach the inner feelings how the body reacts is the less important part and can be managed
(By the way, just to be clear. I try to use generic pronouns, but I end up defaulting to she because I am telling these things from my own experiences. There is no reason any of this can’t be applied to subs of any gender, only the mechanics would change, not the theory.)