Blog Post: Long Distance D/s Part 3— Rewards and Long Distance Scenes

This post is the third of a series. If you haven’t already read the others you should start here:

Now that we’ve gotten all the mean punishment stuff out of the way it’s time to discuss the fun stuff you can do from a distance. I’m wrapping up rewards and scenes in the same post because neither of them is as long as the previous one—but it should go without saying that not all scenes are rewards since we already covered the ones that weren’t, right?

In some ways doing rewards from a distance is actually harder for a lot of subs. Punishment isn’t supposed to be comfortable or fun, but rewards are, so it can be a challenge to find things that will make a sub happy. A lot of this is going to depend on the sub, of course. For most the biggest reward they can get is being with their Dom in person and it can be hard to find meaningful things to do from a distance that aren’t all material.

While presents, of course, are a wonderful reward, especially surprises I’m going to put very little focus on things like that here, because no matter how much you love your sub you might not have the money to spend buying them things. Or you may feel that money should be spent on trips to visit each other instead, which is infinitely more important. I will mention a few special things but mostly I’m going to concentrate on activities.

So, the best reward you can give your sub when you’re not with them is probably still going to be time. In long distance relationships it can start to feel like all of the really focused time you spend together is dealing with issues or punishments. The last thing you want is for a sub to feel that the only way they can get your focused attention is by being upset or misbehaving, so when you both have busy lives scheduling time to concentrate on each other can be the best reward ever.

One way to handle this is to schedule weekly time together. If behavior has been good, then that time can be spent doing fun things together. If too many rules have been broken, then regretfully the fun is canceled, and the time is used for punishment. In this scenario the sub is still getting the same amount of time with the Dominant, only how it’s spent changes. This can be a really good incentive to be good and offers zero encouragement to act up.

It’s worth noting that for a sub who needs regular spanking, or enjoys it when it’s not for punishment, being good can almost be a penalty, since it means not getting the spanking they need. You may want to remember that even distance spankings can be fun if you do them right and good girl spankings are an excellent reward.

Another way to handle it is just to allot a couple of hours for a fun activity when a reward has been earned. What this activity is will really depend on your taste, but I’ll give you a list of things you can do together while apart just to get you started. These are good for rewards, or just general spending time together.

Movie nights—Movie nights are simple these days with all the streaming services available. There are even some that allow you to share your account with a second person. Make it a whole event with popcorn and talk about it online or by phone as you watch.

Online gaming—This can be a complicated game like WOW or Skyrim that will suck up many hours of your time together. Or something quick and simple like scrabble, words with friends, backgammon—all of which allow you to invite specific people to play.

There are also various card games you can play online. I happen to like Cards Against humanity online, which you can find if you click this link, and it has all sorts of nerdy add-ons you can play with.

Now, I know what you’re thinking “But we can’t play that alone, we need more people!” True, you do, but here’s the thing…it sets up chatrooms for you to play together as a group, and for some subs spending time with their Dom in ‘public’ is something they rarely get to do.

Online things are a bit different. If you have some RP (roleplay) skills it can be fun to be in a chatroom together. You can sit on your Doms lap and cuddle, or brat, or tease in front of people who understand the relationship. So, a gathering of like-minded friends can be a fun way to spend time with your partner.

Roleplay — Speaking of RP, many of the people I know, including me, in long-distance relationships use RP as a way to spend time together online. All it takes is decent writing skills and an imagination and you can have all sorts of adventures even apart.

Phone time— If you normally communicate mostly via text or msg because you’re both busy and there’s a lot going on, a scheduled phone chat can be a special reward, especially if you use the call to do some ‘other’ activities which we’ll discuss when I get to scening.

Read a book together—You don’t even have to have the same taste in books since this would give you a chance to at least try something new. Books are cheap, or free if you go to the library and you can set up a time each day, or a couple of times a week to read together. Perhaps at night as a kind of bedtime story. You can be on the phone or in text while you’re reading—or just do it separately but know you’re doing it together.

Have dinner together — Decide on a meal and you both have the same thing. You could even cook together on the phone or through skype, or heck order a pizza.

Those are just a few activities that can be used both as relationship bonding, or as rewards, but there are also some meaningful things a Dom can give a sub to reward them. Again, I’m focusing on free or not too expensive here because if you have money you don’t need advice on how to spend it. I think it’s the people who don’t that struggle with gift ideas so:

*Take some special pictures that are just for the sub. Dom type pics, sexy pics, silly pics that will make them laugh. (I’m not talking about googling memes. Everyone does that anyway. But something you are taking yourself for them.)

*Found things—I have always loved found things because they cost nothing but time and maybe some postage. Going on vacation? Find a special rock, a leaf, a flower, a shell—it doesn’t matter what, find your sub a special thing just for them.

If you want to be fancy you can take it a step or ten further. Press the flower and put it in a card telling them how much you love them. Getting that in the mail would be a wonderful reward. Write or draw something on the rock for them, even a simple heart would make them smile.

*Speaking of cards… a card or letter in the mail works as a reward, especially if you write something in it that will make them melt and tear up (in a good way.)

*Anything related to their submission: a special charm to wear, a collar, a button that says ‘owned’ all of these can be inexpensive but mean so much.

*One of your shirts, or a hoodie—something you wear that they can put on or hug. Alternatively, a stuffed animal that you have hugged or slept with to give it all the warm vibes before sending it to them.

*A playlist of songs you love, so that your sub can get close to you. Or a playlist of songs that make you think of your sub—either or both works.

*Send them a book you love.

*Write them a story if you have any writing skills. Bonus points if it’s about the two of you doing something together.

*Send the sub a video of you saying you love them, reading to them, or just talking to them.

*If you have any crafting skills you can make your sub a collar out of ribbon and a charm pretty easily. It might not be the most attractive looking thing in the world, but they could put it on at home and think of you. Handmade things mean a lot.

*A basic empty charm bracelet, or necklace with a charm holder—with one charm being added occasionally as a reward. This can be cheap (you can find charms for .99cents each) or expensive for silver or gold charms. And there is a huge variety out there.

*Stickers. Yes, I’m serious and it’s not just for littles either. You can send them books of small stickers and they get to put one on the calendar every day they are good. If you want to build on that you can give them a special reward for a full calendar month of stickers.

You get the idea, right? You don’t need to spend a lot to make a submissive happy and rewards don’t need to be in the form of gifts. Again—Time is often the best reward. There are so many possibilities and you know your sub best so I think that’s enough suggestions to work with.

Now, I’m going to hop over to doing scenes from a distance, and in this context, I’m going to talk about fun scenes, bonding scenes, or reward scenes. These are going to require some rp (roleplay skills) if you do it in text/msg, otherwise you can do it over video or the phone which still requires creativity but a little bit less of immersing yourself in your imagination.

As I said earlier, anyone who has been in a long-distance relationship eventually figures out phone sex/cyber sex and while D/s scenes don’t have to be about sex they are basically very similar. To really enjoy distance scening you’ll need to relax and let yourself move beyond the awkwardness. I’m going to write you a little scene here and I’ll stick with sensual but not sexual since, well I’m sure you can figure out how to add that part in yourself.

And I normally don’t write in first person but for this I want you to hear the sub’s thoughts as she experiences this.

“Hey, babygirl. It’s good to hear your voice,” he says in that rough growl of his.

I squirm, melting a little already just hearing him. Between my busy life and his we never really get enough time on the phone together so it’s a treat when we can manage it. “I’ve missed you, Sir. So much. Did you have a good day?” I say.

“It was okay, but it’s about to get better. Do you have everything ready for me?”

“Yes Sir!” Of course, I do. I’ve been waiting all day for his call and my collar is sitting there; the leather freshly cleaned and waiting. My hair is up in a bun the way he likes it.

“Good girl. On your knees for me.”

I obey gladly, settling onto the cushion I’ve placed there and getting comfortable as I wait.

“Now pick up the collar and put it around your neck. Can you feel my hands there putting it on you? I’m pulling it tight because I want you to feel it.”

Of course they aren’t his hands, they are mine but now they obey his orders. My eyes slip shut and I let my breathing go slow and deep. Picturing him sitting behind me tightening the collar around my neck. A shiver rolls down my back and I can almost feel his fingers brushing against the curls at the base of my neck. He loves the way that my straight hair hides those short little curls underneath. It’s probably why he prefers my hair up.

As though listening to my thoughts he laughs and says, “Tug one of those curls for me.”

And I do it, just the way he would if he were there. It makes me giggle as it always does and we take a minute just like that with me kneeling on my cushion, hands caressing the leather band against my skin. I start to sink into subspace and when he asks me a question my voice is a little floaty.

“Already?” Laughing again, “But we’ve just started. You have your leather strap for me, babygirl? I want to get your skin nice and pink.”

The strap has been cleaned as well. Wiped down with a little soap and water and then rubbed with leather butter to keep it supple. That part of the preparation ritual is so familiar to me now that he doesn’t even need to order it anymore. It’s what I do while preparing my mind for the scene.

The strap is short and the handle fits comfortably in my grip. I can smell the scent of leather and the deep tang of the leather conditioner I used. I hold it up to my nose inhaling before I reply, “Yes Sir.”

“Good girl. Get into position.”

Since it’s not possible to do this while kneeling, at least not effectively, I switch to lying on my side and when I’m ready we begin. This isn’t punishment. This is a reward, which is why we’re using an implement that I love. Wood is for punishment; leather is—leather is for good girls. I twist slightly and angle the strap, bringing it down with a nice crisp snap across both cheeks.

It’s different when it’s a good girl spanking. There’s no lecture, only praise and  while he occasionally tells me to do a harder one, each comes slow enough that the heat settles in before the next arrives. Not the hurried angry pace of a punishment spanking—not for this. He wants a slow build of heat and sting.

I love it. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like to be so thoroughly controlled like this. To be so obedient that it hardly even feels like my hand holding the strap. The snapping sounds, the heat and burn, all of it connecting us across the miles.

My body reacts to this slow sensual spanking predictably. I can feel my nipples tightening. The damp heat between my thighs. He knows, I’m sure, because he knows me so well. Sometimes he tells me to stop and touch myself.

Sometimes he forbids it. Even when it’s a reward the decision is his and today he decides to ignore it entirely and there is only spanking.

On one level it’s frustrating but on another I revel in that control. And when we’re done—when it’s enough to make sure that my skin will stay hot and pink all night, we curl up in our separate beds and relax together. Just casual conversation, bonding, spending time with each other while he occasionally has me run my fingernails over the spanked skin and imagine it’s him.

I’m nearly asleep when he says “Goodnight, babygirl.”

“Goodnight Sir.”

I’m smiling as I fall asleep.

And that is one way, of many, to do a long-distance scene. I won’t say that everyone can get into the headspace like that, but most can if they put in the effort to get past the awkwardness. Punishment scenes are easier in some ways, but with a little creativity, reward scenes can be just fulfilling.

Scene doesn’t automatically equal spanking either. It did in my example because spanking is my main thing, but for people who crave dominance without that, you can go with just the kneeling, the collar, the words that makes them feel submissive. Basically, time you spend together that is focused on making them happy and pushes them towards subspace is going to be a scene and you know your partner best so you should have an idea of what they enjoy.

The most important thing to focus on here is the senses. What can they smell? Hear? Feel? Notice I mentioned these in my little mini-story? That’s because these are the touchstones that make a distance scene real in their minds. D/s is all about the mind games. Your voice on the phone, or your text if you’re going that way, is going to start things off but you want to perk their imagination, so it fills in the scene.

Create a ritual to get them in the mindset before you even start. Have them do things to prepare so it builds the anticipation and you can have them halfway to subspace before you even start.

I think that’s enough to be going on with from here. There will be one more Long-Distance relationship post in the series, just to wrap up so keep an eye out for that next Friday.

If you joined us here with part three, you might want to go back and read:
Part 1 Long Distance D/s series: How does it work?
Part 2 Long Distance D/s series: Punishments.
Part 2.5 Story: The long-distance spanking

7 Replies to “Blog Post: Long Distance D/s Part 3— Rewards and Long Distance Scenes”

      1. ♨️Whoaaaaaaa♨️
        Girl!
        You got a Real Gift. This post got me SOOOOOOOOO HOT.
        Very applicable ideas and insights. Thank YOU, and please keep going with your extraordinaryily effective AROUSEMENT (?)
        ❤️👄❤️
        XXX
        Lisa

        Like

  1. Kessily,
    You are a wonderful, inspirational writer….thank you so much!
    You’ve been really helpful for me, and I’d like to ask you if you have any thoughts or ideas or references about helping my man with his serious “Catholic Guilt” Issues? It has truly interferes with sex (for him, mostly….yet impacts on our fledgling Kink relationship….(together 30 yrs/he left/now LDCR). I’m very imaginative and, of course, am intrigued with all the possibilities for RP here. I realize it’s a Big Deal for many people!
    I could google it-but would prefer to hear your take on this. I’m very experienced sexually-but quite new to Kink and am LOVING IT. I’ve got almost no boundaries!
    Thank you again, Kessily….you are gifted.
    LisaBrat

    Like

    1. Hi Lisa!
      Thank you so much. I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog!

      You have an interesting situation. I have a lot of former and current catholic friends who are into the kink lifestyle. For many of them the religious aspects in their past seems to motivate them. Punishment as a way of relieving guilt and atoning is kind of built into the Catholic religion so they use it as a reason to add discipline (or funishment) to their lifestyle. And after all there aren’t any biblical rules against. If anything, it’s the opposite.

      What role are you hoping to get your husband to play; as in Top, bottom, switch? There are different approaches to each role. I would honestly start out by talking about fantasies. Open communication is a good place to begin and if what he fantasizes about makes him feel guilty then maybe you can do some roleplay and absolve it afterwards? Of course, this is more aimed at the kink part. If it’s interfering with his ability to have sex there might be some deeper issues there that a sex therapist could help with, maybe?
      Kessily

      Like

      1. Kessily, Sweetie. Thank You. Your response is Most Welcome. This man. DAMN HIM! You know? 30 yrs together? 25 of which Married-his idea to begin with. You GET IT, and for this, Thank You. Maybe Again? Anyway, it was such a POWERFUL THING. When we happened to meet up again. After 7 months of my not communicating, which, of course, made such an impression anyway. Thank you, keep it Coming🧩👄‼️🧠👍🏼

        “We Are All In This Together…”

        Like

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