I’m warning you in advance this is a long post. The topic of punishment via distance is a complicated one and it was hard to pack everything into this, but I really didn’t want to break it up because things get missed that way.
Before you read this one you might want to read Part 1 if you haven’t already.
You can easily find other blog posts and websites out there that cover this topic, but a quick scan showed me what I already expected to find—that most of them emphasize sexual/romantic D/s only. The assumption on many of these pages are that this is all about the sexy turn on, but it’s not for many people.
For a large portion of kinky people who identify as Top & bottom or Dom & sub the main goal in a BDSM, or D/s relationship isn’t sex. Someone who only does this in the bedroom is usually someone for whom D/s is a fetish. It turns them on, and they aren’t interested in making it a lifestyle. Which is fine, but it does mean that it can be hard to find information out there for people that consider D/s a bigger part of their life.
Because of this what you’re going to see when look for information about long-distance relationships is a whole lot about cyber-sex, phone-sex, and sexy punishments on webcam. You’ll get a smattering of useful information but it’s all going to be phrased to sound like it should be a way to enjoy time with your romantic partner. I’m not going to give you that because there’s enough of it out there already.
I want to concentrate more on the other groups: those for whom it’s a turn on, but they want more than just that. They want the bedroom stuff, but they also want rules and structure and discipline. There are also bottoms/subs who have non-sexual relationships with their Doms. They might get turned on, but if so, they take care of that themselves and sex isn’t part of their D/s. I find that these groups are vastly under-represented when it comes to informative websites.
The majority of the information out there is talking about sexual domination and when they talk about punishments what they generally mean is ‘funishment’ or a punishment that both parties are meant to enjoy. On the rare occasions when you see the topic of long-distance punishments come up in a serious way, it’s usually in regards to Caregivers & littles (Adults who ageplay as children and want to be taken care of) and while a lot of things will crossover with that dynamic it can often be phrased in a way that puts some people off because not everyone understands relationships based on ageplay.
What I’m going to try to do is offer a lot of variety in the discussion so you’ll find things that will work for pretty much any relationship that incorporates discipline. You’ll see a wide spectrum of punishments with things that are good for littles, some that will only work for more hardcore submissives, others that are great for bedroom subs who want mild things to turn them on, and then a lot that will fill in the cracks in relationships that aren’t strictly defined as one type of thing all the time.
So, when I talk about punishment, I’m going to be talking about unpleasant things that are meant to teach a lesson and discourage from breaking rules. And when I talk about ways to spend time together, I’m not going to automatically assume these are romantic dates so I’m going to try to be inclusive no matter what the set-up in your relationship is and I’m not going to delve too deeply into the sex side of things.
I have been in D/s relationships for most of my adult life, and many of them have been long distance, at least part of the time. The question I am asked the most involves dealing with disobedience. Everyone always wants to know how a Dom can punish from a distance. I mean… a Dom can’t do anything to you if they aren’t there, right? I laugh, and every other long-distance sub laughs with me. Trust me, in some ways the punishment is worse at a distance.
Sometimes there is a long wait, knowing it’s coming and that can be difficult. I don’t recommend doing it often or for long periods of time. If you have a visit coming soon then it makes sense to plan to do it in person, but a vague eventual punishment, some time down the road, is never going to be as effective as an immediate one.
Plus, realistically if you see each other rarely you can only pile in so much punishment on a visit. The sub knows this which means after a certain point they start to realize they might as well go ahead and do what they want because their ass is toast anyway—this is never a situation you want to be in with a sub.
They start to feel a bit gleeful on the surface knowing that you really can’t add on much more, but underneath there are darker feelings. Resentment, frustration, a feeling that nothing matters, perhaps a sense of being lost or uncontrolled. I know Doms who basically only punish because they enjoy punishing. They don’t happen to find distance discipline erotic so they just keep threatening and reminding the sub that a visit will happen eventually and do nothing in the meantime.
This doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship. If you can only be bothered to discipline when it’s a turn on for you then you should have a bedroom sub whose interests match yours. There’s nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with taking on a sub who needs real rules, and punishments, and then ignoring their needs until you can use it for your own arousal. Most long-distance subs who require discipline are going to need some version of punishment that can be done from a distance.
Listen, all it takes is a little creativity and careful thought and you can pretty much do anything from a distance that you can do in person. Anyone who has dated long-distance should have some knowledge about phone/cybersex. If you can do that from a distance, why on earth would D/s be impossible?
The biggest stumbling block to adding distance discipline to your relationship is embarrassment. Some of it will feel weird. Even after all these years it still feels weird for me to talk about it, but once you get used to it and relax you can actually go into subspace. Yes, even from a distance.
I’m going to talk more about long distance scenes in the next post in this series because there is a lot more involved besides punishments when it comes to scenes. But for right now we’re just going to focus on what you can do to discipline someone when you aren’t there in person—and it’s a lot!
Let’s get the most embarrassing one out of the way first.
Self-spanking is a thing—except… you’re not really spanking yourself. Your Dom/ Top is spanking you. You are obeying their orders, like you would any order, by delivering the spanking under their direction. That’s why I prefer to call it a ‘directed spanking’ rather than self-spanking.
I know… there’s so many questions. “I don’t think I could do that to myself!” Well, that’s more of a statement but also, “How would he even know I was doing it hard? What if I faked it?”
Right… well, some of that is going to come down to honesty, if you’re faking things in your relationship, or lying to your partner you already have some problems you need to work on, but as a sub there is a certain amount of sulking and trying to get away with things, and it’s natural to try to go easy on yourself when you’re the only one there. Luckily, we have technology which is a big help in keeping subs honest.
Your Dom could have you take pictures of the aftermath, or set up a video camera so that they can watch, this would be the best way to be sure, but I know a lot of subs aren’t comfortable with that. I’m not—but I do prefer someone to be listening on the phone, not so much for the honesty but mostly for the comfort and connection. With your Top giving you firm instructions, listening, and occasionally saying “No, I don’t think so. Do that one again.” You’re going to get as close to the real thing as you can from a distance.
But you might not be able to deliver an effective, painful spanking to yourself on the first try. It can be hard to actively do something you know is going to hurt and some people might need to build up to it. It will help if the Top gives clear instructions for implement, placement, how hard. Do you need an example of hos this might work? I’ll try and work up a short story to post as kind of addendum to this one.
However, there are other things that can make a distance spanking more effective. You might call them add-ons. Most of D/s happens in the mind. It’s all about headspace and mental games, which means you can make a long-distance scene effective fairly easily just by providing the right motivations to get your head in the right place. Some things that can add to the ambience of the scene:
Corner time/ reflection time before or after
Lecture—note that for this purpose a scolding is different from a lecture. A scolding is a quick “Naughty girl, what am I going to do with you?” kind of thing and a lecture is more involved. It’s a detailed accounting, involving how a Dom feels about the rules that were broken and the need for punishment. This is going to provide some emotional context for the submissive to help them get into the scene. Guilt, regret, disappointment—all of those are good emotions to take into a punishment if you want a full immersion experience.
A little bit of ritual goes a long way as part of the whole scene too. A certain outfit to wear. Having them wait in the corner or sitting on the bottom of the bed for the punishment to start. Things like that can set up the feeling of nervous dread that you want when you’re going into a punishment.
Requiring certain responses or behaviors during punishment. More structure perhaps than usual. For instance, maybe all answers during that time have to include Ma’am, Sir, Lady, Master, etc.
Embarrassment–A lot of this is provided just with the situation but you can add to it with small touches.
As I said, you might not be able to spank yourself quite as hard as someone else would spank you, but there are things you can do to increase the pain effect. The first way to do that is to make the spanking longer. Being given twenty hard smacks with a paddle by someone else may reduce you to tears, but that might not work when you’re doing it yourself. That’s okay, you can keep going as long as necessary to get the right effects.
Option number two is to spank more tender spots, or spank faster. Twenty hard swats on your inner thighs can be devastating and just as painful as twenty to your ass delivered by someone else. But what if that’s not enough? Or, even, what if the spanking isn’t possible right then and there because of time or noise factor? Or, what if you’ve earned more than just a spanking, something that will make a longer impression?
I know people who use some interesting extras with spanking, or also in place of spanking if it’s not actually possible to have one. These are what I call sensation additions and I’m going to detail some here.
1. Things to sit on:
Bristly plastic welcome mats, or straw/hay mats, placed on a chair to sit on after a spanking, or in place of a spanking. It’s especially effective to write lines or essays while seated on one because they are very uncomfortable and the more you squirm the more uncomfortable it gets. Sitting on one in the corner too can be an interesting experience. Bare bottom of course will give you the best effect just be careful that the bristles aren’t too sharp, you don’t want little pinpricks. (Unless you do want that.) So, test first.
There are plenty of plastic mats where the bristles are wide and flexible so it will be uncomfortable and rough on your butt, but won’t poke too hard. Straw mats are usually okay too but there are some that would be too much. Adding thin layers of clothing like panties or pajama bottoms can mitigate the effect.
Another alternative to this that I’ve seen is punishment panties which have the rough side of Velcro sewn inside.
2. Muscle rubs:
Muscle rubs like capsaicin or icy hot will heat up when applied and can be slathered over a spanked area. Or used in place of a spanking. If you want to be really mean you can have them put on some icy hot and then sit on a welcome mat. It’s not fun, trust me. They will be squirming and whimpering just as much as if they’d just gotten a good hard spanking.
I had a Dom that used to prefer Heet brand which can get quite intense and sometimes he would put it on me before we went out together just so he could watch me squirm if we sat down for too long. It would heat up over time in a way that had me behaving instantly. All of these will give a pretty fair approximation of a spanking with all the heat and burn you’d expect and no marks afterwards.
If you don’t already use these items for other reasons, please test them on your skin before smearing a whole bunch on your butt. Some of them can be quite intense, and you’ll want to watch out for sweating because I can tell you that liquid icy hot running down your crack can be an unforgettable experience.
I should note that I know people who put a dab on the anus, or genitals for a very severe effect but there are risks to that. Putting it on your thighs and butt is fine because it’s meant for muscles, as long as you aren’t allergic, but putting it in more sensitive areas has some risk.
3. Butt plugs:
Butt plugs can be especially humiliating when used in punishment. They focus your attention very nicely and having to spank with one in, or having to put one in afterwards can really add to a scene. But if you want to really embarrass someone, I’ve always thought making them wear one out of the house would be effective.
Even though no one could possibly know you have one inside of you, it always feels like everyone is aware. With every step you take, it makes its presence known so you find yourself changing your walk to accommodate it. I know people who number their buttplugs by size, and match the numbers to the offense. A level three offense would equal a very large and uncomfortable plug, for instance. As with all anal play however, it’s best to start small and work your way up.
Figging is a very old tradition that has been used as a punishment on its own for thousands of years. It involves carving a piece of ginger into a plug and inserting it in the vagina or rectum. It has some very interesting effects. For some people it’s a turn on, for others it’s nothing but burning and ouch, but it’s definitely a sensation you can do long distance.
Figging is a good add-on for spanking, in fact that’s its main use. In England it was often used during caning to keep the punished person from clenching up. Every time you clench the burn inside gets worse. Even though this has a couple thousand years of history behind it, you still need to be careful and aware of the risks any time you insert something inside of you.
Just to give you a quick ginger lesson in case you want to try this you’ll start by buying a fresh whole hand of ginger. Cut one of the ‘fingers’ low into the hand so you have a wide enough bottom to make it like a proper butt plug. You need a wide base to keep from losing it inside. You might want to use a real butt plug for comparison.
Peel the outer skin off. You won’t need lube; ginger has its own slippery juice and lube ruins the effect. If you want more intensity then after you peel it you can stick it into a plastic bag and put it in the fridge for a few days. The condensation will build up and the sensations will be stronger.
Test it first, I can’t suggest this strong enough. Test it in your mouth first, then test it in your more sensitive areas in small doses to make sure you don’t have an allergy and that it won’t be too intense. For a much milder experience you can make ginger paste out of ginger powder and water, and smear it on a regular butt plug before inserting. You will get an idea of it without an overwhelming sensation.
My personal suggestion for a first-time user is to have one of those packaged enemas or douches standing by because they are the most effective way to flush out the inside of an orifice in case it’s too much.
Whatttt? I know. Yes, masturbation is fun so how is this punishment? Well, when we’re talking about spanking a sub long distance and adding to the sensory experience masturbation can help. A spanking, even one delivered by themselves is going to hurt more after they’ve masturbated once or twice. The orgasms are lovely fun during that part, but not so much fun when they add to the tenderness and sensitivity after.
Masturbation before spanking is also a very nice trick for a sub who gets turned on during punishment spankings. Sure, you can just make them spank so long and hard that they push past the arousal, but getting all the horniness out of the way in advance is a much easier way to do it. I saw a scene where a girl was once made to masturbate to orgasm so many times in a row that she was in tears before the spanking even started and she cried the whole way through because every single nerve-ending was tingling. This can absolutely be replicated from a distance. Believe me, I know.
Nothing stings more than a wet butt during a spanking. I actually keep a spray bottle/mister in my toybox simply for that reason, but when it comes to a directed spanking it can really add to the sting without requiring more swinging strength which is great during a directed spanking. Do remember that it splashes off, so if it’s a long spanking you’ll want to have them pause every so often to spritz the skin again.
Another version of this is to have the sub take a nice hot shower, or soak in the bath right before the spanking time, so that their skin is all soft and tender when you start.
This honestly should go without saying but the one thing that’s really hard to do with a directed spanking is to use your hand. It’s awkward as heck, and when you figure you’ll probably already be hitting lighter than someone else it becomes nearly ineffective. On top of that your hand and shoulder are going to end up hurting more than your butt. I guess that’s still punishment but it’s not really what you’re going for.
For a self-delivered spanking you’re going to want an implement and it’s going to have to be one that you can angle properly. Some straps, full size canes, and most belts are right out because they are too long, to use easily. Small paddles, hairbrushes, and wooden spoons on the other hand work very well. But you can find straps that are short enough, canes too if you look.
Also, for those of you who are concerned about people overhearing what’s happening there are implements that are nearly silent which just killed the excuse of “I can’t, someone will hear me!” Sorry about that.
The Loopy Johnny tops the list for silent but ouchy and is rated moderate to severe depending on how you use it. (For those of you who are broke, let me know if there’s interest and I can show you how to handmake something similar for about 5$)
Switches, both natural whippy green wood ones, and manufactured Lexan/plastic ones also work incredibly well and are almost silent—you might not be though.
I think I’ve been helpful enough on that front… and I apologize in advance if someone uses this advice on you. Now you have a list to get you started if you decide to go with spanking. Please remember both Dom and sub will feel awkward about this the first couple of times as you feel your way around. It gets easier, I promise.
And again, creativity is an asset and I want to add that it’s important to go by the sub’s reactions more than a random number of swats when it comes to a directed spanking. Numbers can be great, but just because getting their butt smacked fifteen times in person will get through to them, doesn’t mean doing it to themselves fifteen times will work. I have been spanked to tears more than once via long distance, but it took a lot more to get me there than an in-person spanking would have. Even though tears generally come from emotion more than pain sometimes it still takes a certain level to break down the walls.
Remember that five hundred swats (or however many) may sound excessive, might even be excessive if you were giving them in person, (depending on pain tolerance and how hard, etc.) but they are probably going to be at a reduced level when coming from the sub. Five hundred swats by them might equal only fifty or a hundred from you, and so on.
What you want to do is go by the sub’s reactions. If you are listening to them while they do it there are signs you can look for. Is their breath hitching? Is it getting hard to talk? Are they sniffling? Do they sound sorry?
That’s what you’re looking for and not an arbitrary number. If you’re not listening to them do it then you may want to avoid numbers and give them something more descriptive to aim for. It’s also important to know that the sub can sometimes need more time to breakdown when doing this at a distance.
Are a few swats going to get them there? Is a minute, or five minutes of steady spanking going to get them there? Or does it take them more time to separate themselves from the fact that it’s their hand bringing the paddle down.
Headspace is so much more essential when doing things at a distance, so these are things you need to know.
To put it into perspective I once had a long-distance spanking that lasted three hours, included several thousand swats with five different implements, and had three five-minute corner time sessions—all of that before I finally was able to let go and cry. Crying isn’t necessarily the end goal of every spanking, especially because not all subs can cry, but when it comes to breaking down walls and letting emotions out it often is. I needed that catharsis and I had a Dom that didn’t care how long it took he was going to make sure I got it. (I was also in a lot of trouble.)
And now that we’ve gotten the most embarrassing punishment out of the way I’m going to give you a tidy little list of non-spanking punishments that all work really well from a distance. Some of these I already mentioned in addition to spanking but they all work fine alone. Ready?
Clean and polish all their spanking implements.
Having to write a story about something that embarrasses them kink-wise.
Made to keep a mean spanking implement in sight on their desk, etc as a reminder.
Social media restriction
Losing privileges (no T.V., no chocolate, no wine, etc.)
Mouth washed out with soap
Hot sauce on tongue
Clothespin on tongue
Having to kneel or hold a position for a time
Kneeling on uncooked rice
Sitting or kneeling on a welcome mat
Ice cold shower
Edging and orgasm denial
Clothes restrictions like not being allowed to wear panties or wearing skirts only.
Public embarrassment (Usually something that is obvious only to them and other people won’t know.)
Losing freedom to make own choices for a time
Having to eat things they don’t like/ denied foods they do like
Having to sit on something uncomfortable
Loss of furniture privileges (Having to stand or kneel instead of sit. Having to sleep on the floor)
Punishment day/weekend—This is usually a pretty severe punishment that combines a lot of different things and is meant to last all day(s). For instance: A spanking first thing when waking up, plain boring meals all day, water only to drink, chores in the morning, essays/line writing in the afternoon, bedtime spanking and then early bedtime. It’s customizable for the specific needs of the submissive but is meant to be about as unpleasant as you’d expect. It’s really good for correcting an attitude on someone who has been acting up for a while.
I could probably come up with twenty more just off the top of my head, but I think you get the idea. These are just meant to give you the basics, and I avoided punishments that I don’t personally find helpful. It’s one thing to humiliate or call someone names if they find it hot, and another to do it for a punishment. I’ve never known any sub whose behavior improved by having to refer to themselves as ‘stupid slut’ because they forgot to do something.
I also really don’t believe in ignoring a sub for punishment or refusing to talk to them because they messed up. I don’t think it helps and I think for a sub with abandonment issues it can be devastating. Feeling isolated from your partner is the last thing you want when you’re already long-distance. I do know people who use this as a punishment, but it’s not for me.
Some of the ones I listed might not work for you and some will be perfect. Physical abilities should be taken into consideration as well. If your sub has knee problems then kneeling isn’t going to be a good idea. Punishments are meant to teach a lesson not debilitate or frustrate a sub until they give up.
Doing this from a distance is going to mean that the Dom needs to be there when it’s happening or check in with the sub to make sure the punishment is being done. The submissive should get used to knowing they might need to provide proof that the punishment is complete, because it keeps them honest and cuts down on procrastination.
Were you told to scrub the kitchen floor? Better take a picture when you’re finished just in case you’re asked for it.
Even the most honest sub will occasionally try to get away with avoiding something they really don’t want to do and the Dom doesn’t need to demand proof every time, but just knowing that they do demand proof now and then will help keep a sub honest. It also helps the sub to know they are being checked on, otherwise it doesn’t feel like their Dom is punishing them it feels like they are punishing themselves and that’s not that you are looking for.
The last thing I want to say before I wrap things up is that you need to make sure you don’t forget the aftercare especially when it comes to doing any spanking. It doesn’t matter if the sub is giving themselves the spanking that is ordered, or if you’re doing it in person—you will still have the same reactions. The endorphins, the emotions, the pain. So, make sure you plan for some time after the punishment to spend winding down together, and checking in later or the next day should be normal too.
Do not ever deny a sub aftercare as part of the punishment. It’s cruel and unneccesary. The punishment is meant to absolve them of the crime. Once it’s done it’s done and then there should be aftercare.
This was probably the hardest post for me to write out of this series because I have experienced almost all of this and talking about it is embarrassing, and that’s absolutely why I’ve put off doing posts on long-distance punishment to begin with. However, if you have any questions or helpful additions please feel free to comment.