DO YOU HAVE TO BE A LITTLE TO HAVE A DADDY/MOMMY DOM

I see this question pop up a lot since Daddies/Mommies/DDlg relationships/ Littles have become slightly more mainstream. These roles have long been misunderstood.

People are starting to be more accepting of such dynamics now, but as that happens, we see many who are confused about what the terms mean, or what that kind of relationship would look like. And there are a lot of people who love the idea of a Daddy Dom… but don’t love the idea of ageplay or acting younger. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

We’re going to clear up a few misconceptions about these relationships, but first we’ll start with some basic definitions to make sure we’re all on the same page.

Please remember that most roles in the BDSM world mean exactly what the identifying people want them to mean, so it can be hard to pin down specific definitions. My definitions, or the commonly accepted definitions, may not fit you or your dynamic exactly.

Read more: DO YOU HAVE TO BE A LITTLE TO HAVE A DADDY/MOMMY DOM

DD/lg relationships are dynamics between a Dom who identifies as a Daddy, and a sub who identifies as a Little. None of these are gender specific roles. Daddies can be women too. And you can also have Mommy Doms, Caregiver Doms and Littles of any gender.

To simplify things, I tend to use DD/lg to cover all of them, because it’s the term people are most familiar with. But MD/lb, DD/lb, CG/L are all perfectly valid and fall under this type of relationship.

A Daddy Dom (DD) is a Dominant who is generally more nurturing and parental. There is usually, but not always, punishment and rules involved as part of that dynamic. They provide cuddles and structure.

Not all Daddies are Daddy Doms. DD is a very specific kind of Dom, whereas you can call any dominant a Daddy. This is why Daddy Kink (Daddy as a title) and DDlg (Daddy as a role) are not the same thing.

Daddy Doms enjoy taking care of people and they like to have relationships with those who can let them be caretakers.

Littles are the bottom side of the DDlg relationship. They are the ones being cared for.

A Little is commonly known as someone who ageplays or age regresses as a way to relax and destress. They let go of their responsibilities and let someone take care of them for a time.

Littles are not always sexual, in fact the majority of them do not find acting younger to be connected with their sexuality at all.

LittleSpace is when Littles let go of their adult headspace and let their inner child take control. In that mindset they think in a more childlike way. They can be easily frightened or excitable, more emotional, and need more attention and care.

They also don’t always make the best decisions. Common sense and logic are sometimes left behind when the stuffies and crayons come out. This isn’t an adult pretending to be a child. It’s more like a kid in an adult body.

Ageplay is when you choose to act like an age other than your own, usually younger. Roleplaying/pretending to be a different age. Ageplayers don’t typically experience Littlespace too deeply or for long, though they may have moments of it.

You are basically the same person as always, but you are relaxing by letting yourself be taken care of. It’s basically letting your inner child out on a short leash, and at any time you can choose to put them away.

You are more likely to find Littles who find it sexy in this category, because even though they are acting cutesy and young, they are still mentally and emotionally in adult headspace most of the time. Some ageplayers enjoy a Lolita-style kind of play where they act young, but also seductive.

Age regressing: Slipping into a younger emotional state, intentionally, or unintentionally. Unlike ageplay, regression is not always a choice, and the headspace tends to go much deeper into Littlespace.

Littles may say they are ageplaying, but if they find themselves in a more fragile mind state, more emotional, more needy of attention and care, or just generally feeling childlike… then most likely there is at least some regression going on.

Age regressors are highly unlikely to be sexual when regressed, because they are in a child headspace and adult games simply don’t interest them. They might completely miss innuendo or adult jokes for this reason.

There has been a push online not to use the term ‘age regression’, when it comes to BDSM relationships. The reason is because age regression is a psychological term, and was not meant to be applied to kinky dynamics and relationships.

However, I think that comes, again, from the basic misunderstanding that everything that happens in BDSM or Kink is sexual. Of course, we all know that’s inaccurate.

Regardless of whether you are in a DDlg relationship, or a BDSM dynamic… if you find yourself slipping into a childlike headspace where you are fragile emotionally, easily scared, make choices you wouldn’t normally make as an adult, etc… then you are probably age regressing.

If being in Littlespace isn’t always a choice, and sometimes it just happens, or you struggle to pull back into your adult headspace… then you are probably age regressing. If your mind works differently in that space, then it’s not the same as pretending to be a kid. This is deeper than roleplay.

Personally, I think most people who identify as Little do a combination of ageplay and age regressing.

Sometimes it’s a fun game with your partner, and sometimes you let go of your adult side completely and actually submerge yourself in littlespace, needing to be coddled and supervised. This is why many Littles will tell you they aren’t roleplaying, because this is a lifestyle thing for them, that they can’t even always control.

They simply are emotionally childlike at least part of the time.

However, because of the pushback around the term age regression, it’s generally easier just to lump DDlg/Kink Littles under the title of ageplay, mostly because it bothers vanilla people who age regress to be connected to any kind of BDSM activity.

Now that we’ve gotten all the definitions out of the way, let’s get back to the original question: Do you have to be a Little to have a Daddy or Mommy Dom?

The short answer is no.  You don’t need to be a Little to be with a Daddy Dom. You just have to need some level of nurturing from a Dominant. A self-sufficient service sub, who needs very little, is probably not going to meet a Daddy Dom’s needs.

But plenty of other bottoms will fit in just fine. Brats, as one example, do quite well with Daddy Doms, since they need a lot of the same kind of attention that Littles do. In many ways Brats and Littles are similar and there is a lot of crossover between the two.

A slightly more in-depth answer is that other people’s roles do not define you. Being with someone who identifies in a certain way doesn’t mean you have to try to match them as their exact opposite, especially in the BDSM world where there is so much subtle variety in roles.

Being upfront with your needs on all sides is going to be much more important than which role or title you identify with. Have the conversations. Talk about what you want/need from your partner early on, so that everyone is on the same page.

Littles offer a great opportunity to care for someone at a more intense level, because Littles tend to need more. DDs might have a preference for Littles, because it gives them the chance to really bring those nurturing skills in.

Daddy Doms need to be needed above all else.

But that doesn’t mean all Daddy Doms want Littles.  Caretaking can come in a number of ways. Nurturing can be shown in a number of ways. Many Daddy Doms just wanted to be able to take care of their partner, to feel like they are helping.

If the DD does want a Little in particular, and you don’t feel comfortable in that role… then you shouldn’t try to force yourself into it. Trying something new is one thing, forcing yourself into a slot that doesn’t fit you, just to be with someone is something else entirely, and it rarely works out.