JUST ASK!

There is a stereotype out there, that says women don’t ask for what they want. They dance around, and hint, and never actually just spit out a request. It leaves the men fumbling around trying to figure things out, and failing because they’ve been given no information to work with.

Yeah… It’s not true.

Sure, there are people who do this, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with gender. If I was going to make this about gender, I might say I notice it more with men, because they were always told they weren’t supposed to have needs. Needs aren’t manly. So expressing any is just really hard.

Or worse…some were taught that men don’t ask, they take.

But this isn’t about gender.

It is about submissives though.

Read more: JUST ASK!

Many submissives have trouble stating needs and desires. There are a lot of reasons for this. Some have trouble making requests because there is this idea that their purpose is to serve their Dominant, and therefore they should just take whatever they are given and not expect more.

Others see themselves as a burden. Instead of understanding that they are part of a give-and-take relationship where both sides get something—they constantly feel like they are just a lot of work and effort that their Dominant has to deal with. So, asking for more on top of that would be wrong.

Plot twist… no one keeps a submissive unless they get something out of it for themselves. Even Dominants who start out doing it just to help… eventually discover it fills some needs they didn’t realize they had. If they don’t, then the relationship just doesn’t last long.

But convincing a submissive who struggles with self-esteem issues that this is true, can be a Sisyphean task. No matter how hard you try to push that boulder up the hill, it’s always going to roll back down. At least until the submissive is ready to recognize their own worth.

People who aren’t just submissive as a D/s role, but have submissive personalities in general, especially struggle with the idea that they are allowed to want and need things. Many of them barely feel comfortable taking up space, let alone asking someone to do things for them.

Some spend all of their time serving and taking care of others while never asking for anything. And their Dominants are so used to them trucking along, getting things done, that it often doesn’t occur to them to there are needs and wants there that aren’t being vocalized.

Now, the most obvious culprits for this are going to be service submissives and slaves. They are, after all, the two categories who are most about serving others. Their focus is often on taking care of their dominant partners, and some of their needs are filled just by the service.

However… surprisingly, you do see this with other types of submissives. Brats for instance, believe it or not.  Brats are the kings and queens of demanding attention, and getting their needs filled without actually asking. In fact, getting them to state what they need without the shenanigans can take a lot of patience.

When they act out it could be for any reason. Do they want a spanking? Are they upset about something? Do they just need attention? You can only guess.

And Littles? Well, Littles just wait for you to know what they need. After all they are in a younger headspace at least part of the time, and you’re their Caretaker. Many of them can, and do ask for things all the time, but often those things are surface level.

“Daddy, can I have a new stuffy?” “Auntie Lisa, can we go to the zoo?”

When it comes to the deeper needs, Littles are just as bad as other submissives at speaking up. Asking for a toy is easy. Asking your Caregiver to adapt their style of care to fill needs that aren’t being met is something else.

You tend not to hear things like, “Daddy, I need you to be stricter with me.” or “Mommy, I need a different kind of aftercare. Lots of times I feel alone after we scene.”.

It should be easy, right? Your Dominant is the person you trust most in the world. You let them see you at your most vulnerable. You let them see your hidden places, and you let them have control over you, but somehow… when it comes to asking for things… many submissives will still struggle.

And by struggle I mean that they will simply stuff their needs down and ignore them. Or they will hint and dance around the subject hoping their Dominant will suddenly catch on. Or they will act up until the Dominant has had enough and confronts them.

Is this ringing any bells? If this sounds like you, or sounds like a submissive you know… well the good news is you’re not alone. This isn’t unusual or rare, though it can be extremely exasperating.

In a healthy partnership, open communication should be easy, but it’s just not for some submissives. And the Dominant shouldn’t have to do all the work of communicating. They shouldn’t need to drag things out of the submissives all the time.

But, as I’ve said before, knowing what is healthy and being able to actually do it are not the same thing. Someone who struggles to vocalize needs is going to continue to do that no matter how frustrating it is. No matter how plain you’ve made it that you want to know what they need.

There is no magical fix for this. But if you’re a Dominant dealing with it, I can suggest that you make regularly scheduled times to specifically discuss needs and wants. Don’t wait for them to bring it up, and don’t demand answers, but instead try to keep the communication line open from your end.

You can try to start the ball rolling by expressing needs/wants of your own. Maybe it would sound like, “I’ve decided I would love to try more bondage this month. We haven’t done it for a while, and I really miss it. So that’s my goal. How about you? What would you enjoy trying this month?”

It’s a casual easy way to draw some information out of a sub. You’re not saying ‘what needs do you have’ you’re just asking them what they would enjoy trying. And because it’s phrased like conversation they might not close off.

That’s just the beginning of the conversation. It opens the door, and then you can expand on it. “Do you like when we do ‘x’?” “I’ve been wondering if you might need me to be a little stricter. You seem to be getting behind on things.” Whatever issues you might be sensing can slowly be worked in.

You can also try a more direct approach. “I have an assignment for you. I’d like you to write down five things that you think would make our relationship or our scenes better. And when you finish, I might just have a reward for you.” This is what we call the honey approach. As in you catch more flies with honey.

By presenting it as a task with a reward, instead of a demand for info, they are motivated to please you by answering. And because you’ve made a specific requirement, with parameters, they don’t have the opportunity to say, “I’m fine, Sir. Everything is great,” and then scoot off without giving you any information.

As for the submissives reading this… my advice is going to be blunt.

Just ask.

Put aside your fears for a minute. Forget the fact that you feel like a burden because your Dominant has to remind you of your tasks, or take care of you, or punish you. Try and step out of your head and see things from their side for a minute and…

Just ask.

If you ask for something they might say no, and then you’re in exactly the same place you were before. But if you ask them and they say yes, or they make an effort to fill that need… then you have made a big step towards making both of you happy.

Just ask.

Believe me when I say your Dominant will know if something is wrong or missing. They will know if you are struggling with an unfilled need, they just won’t know what is wrong or how to fix it. The amount of stress and effort that puts on them is huge.

Just ask.

You think you’re saving them work, by stuffing down your needs. You aren’t.

You think you are being low maintenance and therefore that makes you a good submissive. It doesn’t.

You might even think you have a need or want that’s weird, and they will judge you for it. I can’t promise that they won’t, but what I can promise you is that not asking will make you both unhappy eventually. They are allowed to say no if it’s not their thing, and then at least you’ll know that’s not a need they can fill.

Knowing is better. Information helps you make decisions.

So just ask.

Please. I know it’s hard, but be proactive about your submission. Help your Dominant help you, by giving them what they need.

Force yourself to communicate your needs and wants, even if you have to do so in a letter. You can do it. I believe in you, and if you are able to take this step, and your Dom knows how hard it was for you, they will be so proud of you for asking.

And even if they say no, you can be proud of yourself, because you rolled that boulder all the way to the top of the mountain. That means something, and you should be proud of yourself too.