There have always been relationships that are built on financial considerations. One example, historically, would be the bride price. The prospective groom (or his family) would pay the bride’s family for his wife. This was considered the norm in many cultures, and is different from a dowry, which was a much more complicated transaction.
In some cultures, it was very much a sign of respect to her family, and the value of the gifts or money was meant to honor them for the loss of their daughter.
However, in others it reduced marriage to a transactional purchase, and made gaining a wife not much different from buying livestock.
Another example would be kept mistresses (in a non-BDSM sense) or courtesans who expected to be housed and paid a generous monthly stipend in exchange for being ready and available at all times.
This wasn’t just for sex either. In many times and places they would be expected to go to social engagements and be a companion as well as a lover. This was especially true where marriages were arranged strategically, and the spouses might not suit each other.
These relationships typically had a power-imbalance, where the person with the money has the power, and pays to get what they want. That hasn’t changed much. There is often still an imbalance when it comes to a transactional relationship.
A contemporary example of a relationship built on money is Sugar Dating, which includes Sugar Daddy/ Sugar baby style dynamics. They are fairly well known and seen in the media often. I even used an unethical sugar baby in one of my books (Krampus Zaddy).
Sugar relationships are transactional, but usually in a soft nurturing way. A rich older(usually) person provides money and gifts in exchange for companionship, or more. There might be sex involved, or other things given in exchange for the ‘sugar’. Often, they are like a normal couple except one person is paying for everything.
The Sugar Daddy/Mommy may support them entirely, or may just give them gifts of cash, but it’s almost always done in a spoiling kind of way. These relationships focus on building a connection beyond the ‘sugar’ and may lead to real feelings and even permanent commitment. This is not a BDSM dynamic, although that can be included, as it can be in any dating situation.
Financial Domination on the other hand, is very much a BDSM dynamic. Power and control are essential, however, the power, at least on the surface, is held by the person being paid, which makes it a little different from other transactional relationships. Of course the submissive does still ultimately have an equal amount of power. It’s just not seen visibly.
There is also often a coldness and distance between the Dominant and the submissive in FinDom. And that makes long distance popular for many.
Financial Domination is a kink where the submissive wants the Dominant to control them financially. This is not to be confused with the normal submissive desire to give gifts or spoil their Dominant a little—I think all submissives enjoy doing that, when they can afford to.
The differences are subtle, but important, and Financial Domination is more complex than just wanting to please the person you submit to. For one thing, FinDom dynamics don’t have to have any other BDSM components involved. Spending the money is the kink, which means the ‘submissive’ might not see the Dominant in any other capacity.
This is also not a ProDom situation either, although there is a lot of crossover. With a ProDom you are paying them to scene with you. With a FinDom paying them is the scene, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do that with a ProDom.
Additionally, there is often (but not always) a certain level of humiliation involved. The submissive might be mocked or belittled for spending the money or showering the Dominant with gifts. They might be called various nicknames like paypig or cash cow to emphasize their place as a walking wallet.
To an outsider it might look like financial abuse, but the submissive enjoys the groveling and humiliation as part of the experience. These relationships are fully consensual and negotiated as any dynamic should be.
The majority of FinDom situations have the woman as the Dominant and a man as the submissive, and a lot of them take place online. In fact, some people in this dynamic never actually meet in person. Or they meet up only for an exchange of cash/gifts.
For instance:
They meet at an ATM. He puts his pin in and then kneels at her feet, begging her to take however much money she wants. (Generally, the actual amount is agreed on in advance. Or the submissive might use a special account for this and she can take it all. It’s just not discussed during the scene.) She takes the money, he thanks her, and she leaves.
You will probably never see this kind of cold transaction with a Sugar relationship, which is just one of many differences.
Financial Domination is considered a rising kink. In other words, people think it’s getting more popular because you hear about it more now. I’m not entirely sure I agree with that, though I will say there is a growing FinDom community online—and it’s not always the healthiest place, but we’ll talk about that in a minute.
There aren’t a ton of long-term statistics that track these things. But I do think Financial Domination has been around for a while, and is just currently finding its place in the spotlight. This generally happens because someone writes about it, or maybe it appears in a movie, and suddenly people are interested in learning more.
So not necessarily more popular right now, but certainly more visible. And visibility can cause a sudden surge in interest, which can make it seem more popular for a time. This can die off just as suddenly when people get tired of it, or it can lead to the kink actually becoming widespread.
I don’t think that will be the case with Financial Domination. I think it will remain a niche kink, simply because most people can’t afford it. And also… because I think it has such a very narrow focus. This isn’t typically a dynamic where people fall in love, or discover other things to do together.
It’s a dynamic where the people involved have this one shared interest, and it tends to rely on them maintaining a distance from each other emotionally. Part of the enjoyment, for many of the submissives who are into this, is the cold, almost clinical way, the Dom strips them of their worth and walks away. That is a level of humiliation you can’t easily attain from someone you are close to.
If you enjoy, and can afford, to shower your Dom with cash and gifts, but also want a full relationship with them, then FinDom might not be for you. The closeness that comes with a full relationship is going to make it clear that you’re more than just a walking piggy bank. You might lose the humiliation aspects that many people into FinDom enjoy.
That’s not to say that you can’t have aspects of FinDom in your relationships or play out FinDom scenes as part of a more rounded D/s dynamic. You absolutely can, and in my opinion, it’s healthier if you do.
For instance, you might have a regular Dom/sub dynamic, but your Dom controls all the financials. You can even have a ritual scene where you hand over your paycheck every week. I wouldn’t exactly call this a FinDom relationship, but rather, a relationship that includes FinDom as part of the dynamic— and I’m making this distinction for a reason, which I’ll be discussing further down.
But if you have expanded beyond just the monetary aspects, then I no longer count it as just a FinDom relationship, and I do think that is easier to balance than a strict transactional situation.
I think that’s why people find ProDoms work well with this kind of Domination. Because there is already the expectation of distance built-in, along with the obvious fact that the dynamic is based on a financial exchange from the start. Asking a ProDom to make a ritual out of accepting the payment, while they humiliate you is a very simple step.
And while I don’t think the language for this kind of dynamic has been around for very long, I do think FinDom has been connected with ProDom work for a very long time. That doesn’t mean FinDoms and ProDoms are the same thing, but it does means that going to a ProDom was the easiest way to play out this kink, at least prior to the Internet.
One last note:
There are people in the BDSM world who are very much against FinDom relationships. They feel it attracts opportunistic behavior and abuse. I’ve seen comments that it ‘weaponizes a fetish’ and that can be true.
Abuse is possible in any power exchange relationship, and in this one, you’re not just risking your physical well-being, but also your entire financial security. There is a danger in giving away too much because you feel like you are a ‘walking wallet’ who has no other worth.
This is a big reason why I recommend making FinDom just part of a more rounded BDSM relationship, and not the entire basis. You can enjoy your fetish in moderation that way, while still leaving room for the Dominant to care for you, and let you know you do have more worth than just your bank balance.
It also sets up a situation where the Dominant can check on you and make sure you’re not spending more than you can afford, which may not happen in a strictly transactional relationship.
I think relationships that include FinDom can be just as healthy and valid as any other D/s dynamic as long as you are communicating needs and limits clearly. This includes making sure you’re not spending more than you can afford, and it also means going into the relationship with realistic expectations.
But if what you want is a total transactional relationship, FinDom only, then you need to be aware of the risk. If it was me, personally, I would use an ethical ProDom for that, for the reasons I’ve already explained.
I think it would be safer and you’re less likely to stumble over an abuser who only wants to take as much as they can from you. But… at the end of the day I believe in RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. So, as long as you understand the risks and are consenting, it’s your choice.
And I am aware that for some people the idea that they are being abused financially is part of the excitement, but acting out abuse in a healthy setting, with someone you can trust, and actually being abused are two very different situations.
So, this is your reminder to be careful out there.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 