Last week we talked about younger Doms and some of the questions older subs have when it comes to submitting to them. We discussed how there is a perception of what a Dom should be, that seems at odds with a younger person and how it’s mostly inaccurate.
Today we’re going to talk about why older subs feel uncomfortable about submitting to Doms who are younger than them. We’ll also talk about why we rarely see the older Sub/younger Dom dynamic represented in fiction.
It’s not really that deep or mysterious. We already brought up several points that have bearing here. A lot of it comes down to perception.
Men are supposed to be older. Not just in D/s relationships, but in any relationship. This is something that’s probably been ingrained in us throughout history and historically it was the norm.
People who study these things don’t have a real reason for why it continues. These days, since women live longer on average it should probably be the other way around, but it’s not.
Historically it made more sense in many cultures. Men needed to provide the home before they could get a wife. While women often stayed in their parent’s house until they were married. It took time to save up and acquire what was needed to be able to afford a wife.
And then in some cultures, men weren’t allowed to marry until a certain age. In Sparta, Greece for instance, men were not supposed to marry until they were 30. Until then they were required by law to live in the military barracks. If they did marry earlier, they could only see their wife when they snuck out and she had to stay in her parent’s house.
At 30 marriage was almost required for men, but it was recommended they marry a woman of around 20 so she would have plenty of fertile years. And that is something else we see throughout history. The men marry later so they can be ‘established’ and when they are ready, they would marry younger woman to have the maximum amount of time to have children.
So maybe we’re just conditioned to the idea that the man should be older, because it was like that for so many centuries. While there may have been a reason for it then, there isn’t now and yet…
When a woman falls for a younger man, they call her a cougar. There are all kinds of tropes in movies about the type of woman who is interested in younger men. They are usually comedies.
There is an oddly shaming vibe when a woman is with someone younger. Again, it makes no sense, and no one really knows why. But when you see it represented in fiction it is almost always a comedy and often the woman is presented as very aggressive sexually.
So when it comes to D/s or BDSM romance books the younger Dom trope doesn’t tend to sell as well, at least not with Male Dom/ female sub.
RomComs aren’t a big segment of the kink genres to begin with and the whole cougar trope might work with FemDomme books where a woman is expected to be aggressive, but it doesn’t when she’s the sub. I think books where the Dom is younger are just outside the preconception that the Dom will be the one leading all the action, and the one with the experience.
As we discussed in part one, you can easily find an experienced younger Dom, and being older doesn’t mean you’ve done more exploring in the scene—but people tend to have these ideas in their head.
For all that people say they want new ideas, and unique books, the truth is the sale statistics don’t back that up. My most unique books have never sold nearly as well as my common trope stories and most authors will tell you they experience the same. I’m sure it carries over into other media as well.
People say they hate remakes, but remakes bring in ton of cash. Even people who know in advance they won’t like it will go see it anyway, just so they can bitch about it. Most people want what’s familiar. They want the tried and true tropes.
The answer to why we don’t see younger Doms with older subs represented in fiction is… it throws people off and they don’t buy it. If you don’t buy it, people don’t make it. (Though there was a book that came out recently I’ll be recommending to you at the end, for those who want to give it a try.)
For me, when it came to Doms, I had the same preference for older, but I feel like that was partly due to the fact that there weren’t many younger than me around when I got involved in the scene. I had many Tops and Doms before I ever considered someone younger.
And then, when I did, it didn’t go well. It wasn’t because of his age, but because of who he was as a person. He misrepresented himself in many ways. He knew the lingo and he was able to put on a good show but when it came down to it, he was a terrible Dom.
It didn’t last long luckily, but in my head his age was part of the problem. It took me a while to realize this wasn’t the kind of thing he would have matured out of. He simply didn’t have the temperament to be in charge of anyone.
But for those who are curious both L and G are younger than me. They are probably the first long term Doms I’ve had that are, and believe me age hasn’t been much of an issue. In fact, in some ways, I think it’s been a positive.
With them I’ve seen a real difference, huge, in how my feelings are considered and what kind of rules they think I need. I’m not exaggerating when I say they were the most understanding of my needs, and they really pushed for communication in the beginning.
I wouldn’t say it’s all because they are younger, though that’s definitely part of it. They came into the scene with all of these resources available and they went out of their way to learn. So from the start they had picked up the right skills and messages.
Sure, there have been some problems. I would say we’ve had some miscommunication that could be attributed to my learning D/s at a different time. And I learned the hard way, so I did not pick up the right things from the start. I picked up trauma and bad habits which still require work.
And in all honesty, yes, it can be frustrating at times to know I have more experience. I’m expected to explain things to them when they don’t get it, and that’s really hard for a sub to manage.
Not bad, just hard. I actually think it’s been good for me to have to learn how to vocalize these things. Forcing me to explain what my experiences have been, and how they shaped me in certain ways, so that they can understand my thought processes was great training for blogging about these things.
I am better with my words now because it’s been necessary to keep communication open with them.
Age can and will affect things, and that’s okay. Even a five-year difference in ages can mean a radically different life experience, but you can work through those things.
Being a Dom isn’t a title you’re awarded when you hit a certain age. It’s a temperament, a desire, a need. As long as the Dom has put in the effort to learn, you shouldn’t be afraid to submit to someone younger than you. And sometimes there are bonuses in having a younger Dom; they often have more energy and more patience.
And as a Dom, an older sub might make you nervous because you feel like they will know more, or you might not know enough, but remember that age doesn’t equal knowledge and experience. And even if the sub has been in the scene longer it doesn’t matter because with open communication, you’ll both be sharing these things with each other.
An older sub also comes with positives. They often already know who they are as a person, so they can state their needs and wants more clearly. If (remember this isn’t always the case) they do have more experience, then they also will know their limits better and can guide you toward things they know they like.
They can teach you, though you may need to find ways for them to do so comfortably as it’s not always easy for a sub to instruct a Dom.
I want to wrap up with these final words of advice and warning:
Whenever you hear about people talking about dating older or younger people you will hear a phrase ‘Age is only a number,’ and I want to say this is absolutely not true. It doesn’t matter if the Dom is older or the sub. When you are in a relationship with someone more than a few years older or younger it will matter at some point.
Age is more than just a number. It’s life experiences. It’s also the culture and society you grow up in.
Millennials have had a very different life than Boomers and depending on where you fall in those ranges, there may only be seventeen years between you. That seventeen years made a hell of a difference in the world.
You may have grown up listening to different music, watching different tv, and you may have learned very different social norms. Sure, there’s plenty of overlap. Maybe you have lots of things in common, but if there are more than a few years between you there will be gaps.
There will be references you don’t get. Things you didn’t experience that can’t really be explained. And there will be misunderstandings because the world changes quickly, and what’s acceptable changes with it.
Humor, for instance, has shifted dramatically in just the past ten years to being more sensitive and understanding.
The scene has changed too, quite a bit. Some things that were really just guidelines are now considered hard and fast rules. I had my ass smacked by a Dom I didn’t know in a club once, because I was bent over in his way. Not one person, including me, thought it was weird—now that kind of behavior could get you kicked out or worse.
So, you will run into misunderstandings. You will have different ideas about how things should be done. These things aren’t insurmountable, if you keep the lines of communication open.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions when there’s something you don’t understand. Stay open to learning new things. And when something pops up don’t make it weird— just talk it through.
Before I go, I just want to highlight a book (D/s romance) that came out recently. Since books in this genre are so rare, and I happened to see this one a couple of weeks ago, I’m going to share it with you! (This isn’t one of mine, but the author is fantastic!)
YOUNGER DADDY by Ava Sinclair
Amazon and in KU
This is the second standalone book in the Second Chance Daddies series featuring women over forty looking for a second chance at Daddy love. This time it’s college professor Paisley O’Brien and the hot, younger man who shows her that being a Daddy isn’t about maturity, it’s about mindset.
“Listen, Paisley,” he says. His voice is deep and determined. He’s holding me close, and his cock is pressing against me. He wants me to feel it. “I’m not just letting you walk out of my life. You want me to be your fucking Daddy? I’ll be your fucking Daddy. You want rules? I’ve already got a dozen running through my mind. Rule Number One: You aren’t allowed to leave the man who’s falling in love with you. Rule Number Two: You aren’t allowed to listen to troublemakers jealous of what we have. Rule Number Three: You’re going to accept a spanking like a good girl when you get in trouble for trying to avoid talking to me.”
If you read it let me know what you thought in the comments. And as always, if you have questions or comments, you can feel free to email me through the contact page.