When I entered the scene, years ago, I was young, barely an adult. I was about twenty the first time I played with someone. Twenty-one when I went to my first party. I was prepared for all of it, luckily, because I’d been reading everything I could find online about The Scene, Kink, and BDSM since I first got my own computer.
There weren’t a ton of sources to be honest, not factual ones anyway. Not non-fiction websites and pages that I could go to for real information. However, since the moment the Internet existed, kinky people have been posting spanking fiction on it. And that I found plenty of.
I didn’t always have the safest information, but I knew there were plenty of other people like me and that helped a lot. I was lucky. Most people didn’t know who they were so young. Most weren’t as introspective, or as willing to accept the things they wanted.
There’s definitely something to be said for not caring what other people think about you. I was openly kinky and openly queer, not because I was brave, but because I was neurodivergent and just never understood the point of hiding that stuff.
When I began to go to parties and events, I quickly realized that I was often the youngest person around—by at least ten years in most cases. It didn’t bother me, but I did get used to most of my scene friends being much older. It was perfectly natural for me to see and play with people of all ages, but mostly much older than myself.
One of the first people I ever spanked was a man who was in his sixties. He had skin like leather and encouraged me not to hold back because “I can take anything!”. I’m sure the spanking I gave him wasn’t that exciting for him, but I had a lot of fun doing it.
It was a big party, over a hundred people, in NYC and he was a stranger I never saw again, but I’m sure he continued to play for many years after that. He was far from the only senior I would meet and play with over the years. This was prior to 50Shades sending people flocking to the scene to check it out. This was before kink was mainstream.
At that time, it usually took people years of searching and looking to figure out that kink was something they needed—or even that it was possible to live the lifestyle. Many people felt bad or dirty for the fantasies they had. They hid them, buried them away and pretended.
Do you know how many people had full long marriages with partners who never knew that they had BDSM fantasies? I can’t begin to tell you how many. There are still some people who don’t admit it, but it’s so much more common to be open about these things now.
Like many people in the scene, I’m not a fan of 50Shades, for various reasons. As an author, I would have made some different choices regarding the writing too. But no matter how you feel about those books and movies, one thing you can’t deny is that it did a lot to drag BDSM out of the shadows and into the mainstream.
That has caused some problems, but overall, I think the changes have been positive.
When things go mainstream, they stop being dirty secrets and start being treated as normal— or at least as though they are acceptable alternatives.
And when these desires started to become acceptable, people began to realize that there was nothing wrong with them. It’s not sick. It’s not abuse.
Now, 50Shades wasn’t solely responsible for helping people to realize this. The American Psychiatric Association had already come to the conclusion that BDSM and Fetishism should no longer be considered mental illness in 2010. (In 2013 when the next version of the DSM was released, those things had been removed as diagnosable mental illnesses.)
This did a lot to reduce the stigma of participating in any kind of kink/BDSM activity. And it opened the door for the right book to popularize those activities. In 2011 50Shades hit just the right tone to capture the imagination, at just the right time, and it skyrocketed.
Christian Grey goes on a lot about his desires being dark, implies they are maybe dangerous, but in reality, all the play they actually engage in seems pretty mild. Some people in kink lifestyles complain about the unhealthy relationship dynamic in the series, but I think a lot of us just found them kind of boring in comparison to the sort of scenes we were actually doing.
I don’t know any lifestyle sub who didn’t laugh at the belt scene and how unrealistically mild it was.
“Do your worst. I want to see how bad it can get.”
Christian smacks her a few times with a belt. Her skin is barely pink.
“You monster!” She runs away from the scary sadist man.
Uh… okay. That wouldn’t even be considered a warmup by anyone who actually plays, but while it threw us out of the scene (and caused a lot of us to throw the story away entirely) for people who had no experience with BDSM it was an extremely hot introduction.
Padded cuffs, blindfolds, a little spanking and a lot of sex. Nothing too scary. Nothing too mean. So yes, the right book, at the right time to introduce mainstream to The Scene. It got people excited and after they devoured that series. They wanted more and the whole entertainment genre was suddenly bursting with new books.
And while some people stuck with enjoying it in fiction… others realized that they were curious to explore. Between the two though, BDSM was suddenly on everyone’s minds. Common terms in the lifestyle, like ‘safeword’ entered normal conversation, and no one had to explain what they meant anymore.
This led to a new generation of kinky people who aren’t ashamed of what they want and need. They search for BDSM online, they explore virtually in safety, sometimes before they are even adults, and then, as soon as they are old enough, they dive into real life events.
People begin exploring these things much earlier now. The general population in the scene has been slanting towards younger adults for a while. I think the Internet itself had begun the trend of younger people discovering BDSM, but it has escalated in recent years.
There are more people in their early twenties, and even late teens, flocking to clubs, munches, and events now than there ever have been before.
I don’t think this is a bad thing at all. As long as you are doing your research and taking things safely, I think it’s great that people are finding themselves earlier. It saves years of self-doubt, or even self-hatred that comes from thinking you’re sick for wanting people to spank (or whatever) you.
But because of the general shift in ages towards younger, I think a lot of people have forgotten that The Scene used to be populated by mostly middle-aged or older people. It wasn’t even uncommon for people to wait until they were divorced, widowed, or empty nesters before finally reaching out to explore.
I’ve known submissives and Doms who were retirement age and just getting started. I’ve known brats who were in their fifties or older, just beginning to explore, and in sub frenzy because they were finally getting to experience what they’d hidden their whole lives. I’ve known Littles with gray hair and wrinkles.
Believe me when I say that age doesn’t matter. If it’s taken you fifty, sixty years to finally get to a place where you are free to explore… then do it. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid that because you’re older no one will want you.
I knew a couple (Top and switch) who met in their sixties, played together, dated, and finally got married. They even adopted a couple of brats for a quasi-family unit where they were parental.
He lost her to Alzheimer’s eventually, but they had years together first, and he was with her until the end. That time matters.
If you missed out in your twenties, because you didn’t feel comfortable with those needs, or were in a situation where you were scared to investigate them, that’s okay. It’s not too late. You are not too old to experience your fantasies and dreams.
Sure, bondage is a lot more uncomfortable with old joints, and maybe you have to be careful with implements because your skin is more fragile—but there are ways to accommodate those issues. Just like there are ways to accommodate disabilities.
When I see people say, “I always wanted to try it, but I’m too old now.” I think that’s such a waste. You waited all your life, that time is gone, but you’re not. You still have time to dip your toes in and see if it’s something you would enjoy having in your life.
And even if you look around and seems like a sea of young faces are all you see in the online BDSM groups, pages, apps… believe me that’s not the entire population. That’s just a generation of people who feel safe and free to be open about their kinks. They are active and visible in those spaces, because they never had to hide their interests.
And FYI a 2020 study found that BDSM was the most popular kink for people over 60, and 63% (of the 2300+ people asked) said they were interested in trying it out with a partner. Interest in ageplay also scored high, at 53%.
So, don’t let getting older hold you back. There is no cut off date.
Get out there and explore. If you search you will find groups who cater specifically to older people. They are on FB (which has a mainly older population anyway), on Fetlife, and there are resources out there that can help.
Just remember that being older doesn’t exclude you from abuse. Take your time, do your research, and be careful as you learn.
(The survey was conducted by Onbuy and appears to be no longer available online, but is referenced and quoted by multiple sources.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 