The phrase, Consensual Non-Consent, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies a sex or kink act where non-consensual things happen, which isn’t the case. Informed consent is always involved with CNC.
However, the activities may look non-consensual even though they aren’t, because consent has already been established at another time.
Read more: What Is Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)?In the most basic terms, CNC is where informed consent is given in advance. The consent can be broad, allowing for a number of activities, or narrow, allowing only one activity to occur, at a time or times, which have not been pre-determined.
This allows people to go into a scene as if the situation is completely spontaneous. An example is with people who enjoy sex by surprise, possibly imitating rape or kidnapping. This allows their partner to catch them unaware, grab them, and have sex with them without asking—because they already have permission.
It also means that the ‘victim’ in this scenario can pretend like it’s a real attack, and can protest and fight all they like, but their partner will know they don’t actually want it to stop. These experiences are usually highly charged with emotion, maybe even fear, if they get deep enough into the headspace. And that’s the point of it.
An example would be a man who has fantasies about being tied up and pegged (penetrated anally) so he discusses it with his wife. He gives her permission to catch him off guard and do this to him sometime in the future, when he’s not expecting it.
They discuss his limits and boundaries so that they both know exactly what’s on the table. They would probably pre-arrange safewords/actions at this time so that if he actually does change his mind, he can stop it.
He wants to feel like it’s happening against his will, even though it’s not, so he lets her know that he will fight it. He will shout ‘No!’ and he’ll struggle against the bondage to try to get free. She agrees to all of this.
A week later, in the middle of the night, he wakes up to find that she has cuffed his wrists and ankles. When he opens his mouth to shout, she shoves a gag in. Pretty soon she’s lubing up and giving him exactly what he wants, but the whole time he is shouting into the gag and writhing on the bed like he hates it—that’s his fantasy. That is the scenario that he wants to experience.
If he really wanted it to stop, they both know he would use his predetermined signal, and snap his fingers twice. So he can protest as realistically as he wants to, and she won’t even worry that he really wants it to end.
Anyone from the outside would look at this and assume rape. They would be horrified, but in reality, every bit of it was fully agreed to by both parties, and both wanted it to continue.
Some people find this kind of play thrilling. And it’s those elaborate scenarios that get most of the attention when people talk about Consensual Non-Consent, but that’s only part of CNC.
A less dramatic version can be: “You can wake me up with oral anytime, baby.” This is a much more common version of CNC which you will find in many established relationships. You’re giving consent for a situation to occur without discussion in the moment. That’s so normal people don’t even tend to think of it as being CNC, but it is.
But those are more sex-based examples. Consensual Non-Consent is a huge part of the BDSM community, and as we know, BDSM isn’t always about sex. So, while rape fantasies and kidnapping fantasies may overlap with kinky couples, that’s not the only way it’s used in the lifestyle and sex may not be involved at all.
Total Power Exchange (TPE) is one situation. This is usually a Master/slave dynamic, where the slave partner gives the Master blanket consent to do anything, that isn’t specifically on their hard limit list. (If they have one.) Basically, unless the slave safewords, anything is on the table.
While TPE is on the extreme end, I would say that most D/s dynamics with established partners use some level of CNC in the relationship, especially if they include discipline and punishment.
Doms you have committed to, in a relationship, don’t typically ask consent every time they swat your butt. They don’t ask your permission before they send you to a corner, or pull you over their knee. And I don’t know any subs who would expect that. (Please note I’m saying ‘committed’ and ‘in a relationship’ to establish that we’re not talking about a random Dom walking by and grabbing someone.)
When they enter a dynamic with a Dom/Master/Big/Top and agree to follow certain rules, they are usually giving blanket consent to be punished for breaking them. In fact punishment and what they can expect when it happens, should be part of the normal relationship conversations you have, when entering a new dynamic.
Many subs (of all flavors) like to feel punishment is a real thing, not a ‘scene’ or a game. If you don’t believe in punishment or like it, then you probably won’t understand that, and that’s okay. But for those who want their Doms to have real authority over them, and want/need punishment that actually improves their behavior (like me!) feeling like it’s just a scene can be counterproductive—because scenes are for fun and real punishment shouldn’t be.
Some, Brats and Littles in particular, need to feel like the control is being taken from them. Brats are submissives who act up, break rules, and in general, need to be forced to obey.
They want to struggle and fight, and yell “No! That’s not fair! Let me go!” They definitely don’t want you to stop because they said so.
They need the punishment they deserve, but they also need to feel like they aren’t controlling everything. CNC means that they can give their Dom blanket consent to punish them whenever the Dom sees fit. They may even choose to give up their safeword so that the Dom has total say over how the punishment goes and how long it lasts.
Giving up your safeword is a separate thing and not necessary for CNC. You absolutely can have CNC in your relationship and still have safewords, but sometimes people give up their safewords for the same reason they want CNC.
Some of you may have read my Daddy Takes the Reins series, or you may have seen other blog posts talking about it. The first book bothered some people because Charlie asks her Dom, Sam, to punish her without safewords.
She wanted the punishment to feel real, and she didn’t want to be able to back out of it. So she made the choice to go without a safeword and he reluctantly agreed.
As much as you will see people scream “Without a safeword there can’t be consent!” that’s not actually true.
This was Charlie’s way of giving Sam blanket consent to punish her as he saw fit. While making sure she wasn’t tempted to tap out long before she reached her limits.
Of course this is just fiction, and we see a lot of things in fiction that we don’t necessarily want in real life. But in this case, some people do prefer this.
I know a lot of lifestyle people who live by RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and are fully versed on the risks, and aware that some of the things they do will never be completely safe—and they still consent to it.
This is their right as experienced and knowledgeable adults. You don’t have to live that way yourself, but you do have to understand there is more than one way to have a healthy kink dynamic.
Small segue for safety lecture:
I always recommend using a safeword if you are new, if your partner is new… if you are new to each other, or even if you are trying a new activity. But if you are in an established relationship and you choose not to use one… of course there is still consent.
With one caveat— the submissive partner should never ever be pressured into giving up their safeword. The decision not to use one should always come from the submissive and then must be agreed on by both parties. Both. The Dom has the right to insist on a safeword too, if they don’t feel comfortable without one.
And one last reminder. If you do decide to play without safewords… please remember that the Dom needs to be paying very close attention. You need to be watching for any signs of real distress. And if the bottom says anything like “Wait, can we talk for a second?” you need to pause things. There are other ways to communicate distress besides yelling ‘Red!’.
Safewords are designed to keep misunderstandings from happening. Doms can miss the cues. Trying to get your Dom’s attention for a serious reason can be confused with in-role protesting.
So yes, there is a risk to not using one. But there’s also a risk to most elements of BDSM. That’s why I don’t like Safe, Sane, and Consensual as a slogan. It’s not real. (And if you want to read more of my opinion on that. You can find a post on it here: We’ve Outgrown Safe, Sane, and Consensual )
And now back to the main topic…
I want to wrap up by saying I’ve seen people say that CNC can only apply to specific scenes and instances and not the whole structure of the dynamic. In my opinion that’s wrong. I’ve just gone through the ways in which it’s used as part of relationships, so I think I’ve been pretty clear on that.
I would say, if anything, CNC mostly applies to the relationship dynamics first, and that just happens to overflow into scenes that are part of the dynamic. I mean… I’m not even sure how you’d manage total power exchange, or anything close to it, with the Master having to stop and ask their slave for consent constantly. I certainly don’t think that’s the vibe people in that kind of relationship are looking for.
You can believe what you want, but the very nature of some roles in the lifestyle require CNC. You will never get a Little or a Brat in the middle of a tantrum to stop and say, “Sure, you can spank me now.” A brat would probably laugh and say, “Hell no!”
They want to be stopped. They need to be stopped and punished so they can get the comfort they need, but they won’t be able to give consent on the spot. It would pull them out of their headspace to even ask their permission like that.
So you acquire consent when you set up the structure of the relationship and then it continues until it’s withdrawn. Of course, consent can always be withdrawn. If it can’t be withdrawn, then it’s not consent. And if someone says “I withdraw consent” then it doesn’t matter if you are in the middle of sex, or in the middle of a scene—you stop.
And if withdrawing consent from your Dominant feels like too much of an escalation, but something is wrong, try something as simple as “Wait, I’m scared. Can we pause for a second.” A good Dom is going to stop and listen.
“But isn’t the same thing as a safeword?”
No, it’s not. It’s a different kind of safety feature, but it’s not the same thing. Everyone who is in a safe and healthy dynamic should be aware that they can always withdraw consent, but it’s not in your head during a painful punishment, the way a safeword is, and unless you’ve been in the situation you might not understand the nuance but it’s there.
The idea that a safeword is the only way to stop a scene, indicate distress, or signal to your Top that something is wrong, has become really prevalent. I think that’s the reason people can’t fathom playing without one.
But I think that’s dangerous thinking. It’s a safety feature and should just be one of many in your arsenal, because they don’t work for everyone. Some people are terrible about using them, because it feels like calling 9-1-1. Others use them when they don’t need to, just because they can.
This particular safety feature can be a bit problematic for those in the headspace of a Little or brat, because the overwhelming urge to stop the very thing they need… can make them use it and then regret it. When a punishment or scene is stopped too soon, you don’t get the catharsis you needed. You don’t get all the good important release feelings after.
But in that moment of ow-ow-ow… you’re not really thinking about that. You’re just thinking that it’s too much and you want it to stop. Saying ‘red!’ starts to feel like a good idea even if you know it’s not really a ‘red’ situation.
“I withdraw consent” or “Please can we pause for a second there’s a problem” just don’t pop into your head the same way a safeword does. In a lot of ways, they are a better emergency response tool for some people.
Learn to treat each dynamic as unique, and use the tools that work for you, not what everyone says you should use. That goes for CNC and any other aspect of kink too.
Any questions? Feel free to reply in contents or send an e-mail if you’re shy.
Musings of a Chaotic Mind 