For a submissive, a Dom can be everything. Whether or not you’re also in a romantic relationship is irrelevant, a submissive still loves their Dominant with their whole heart. They take the deepest parts of their soul and give it to them as a gift. It’s a bond that can be as deep as any marriage. It should be that deep.
So…What do you do when your Dom isn’t around enough?
Suffer. Cry a lot. Be miserable and sad. Just kidding…well, not really, but hopefully we can find a more productive answer than those standard emotional reactions, which you will probably be dealing with, but they don’t help much. This is going to be a three-part piece since it’s an emotionally complicated topic, and none of them are what you’d call short, so be warned.
I’m going to preface this by saying that I don’t have all the answers. I have a lot of experience, in a variety of situations, but I would never call myself an expert on relationships. All I can do, all I will do, is tell you what has worked for me, or what I know has worked for others. And anyone who tells you that they do have all the answers is probably lying. In some situations, there just isn’t a simple all-encompassing fix for a problem.
And I know this isn’t what anyone wants to hear, but sometimes there isn’t a fix at all. Still, you usually have a whole lot of options to try before you get to the point of deciding your relationship is just broken, and we’re going to give you plenty of ideas that might help.
A lot of the blog posts I write are personal to me and my struggles or things I have struggled with in the past. Sometimes I do get requests, or see something that makes me think things need to be said about a topic, but just as often what I write is because it’s an issue I have recently had to negotiate, or am currently working through.
At times writing these articles actually helps me put my own thoughts in order so I can say things that need to be said. As a result, the blog is very –me— and this is a difficult post for me to write because it’s what we’ve been going through for a while now.
Life keeps interfering and the perils of having a triad where we are all disabled in various ways can often add extra problems to the mix. Oh and of course then you throw in being long-distance, yeah, sometimes there are some serious struggles. But despite all that I adore L and G and feel completely loved and valued. The important stuff is taken care of, but it’s the daily fun stuff I’ve been missing—a lot.
The good times outweigh the bad and make it all worth it, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t run into situations where I’m unhappy and have to speak up. Being a submissive person makes it harder for me to get the words out. In some of my less healthy relationships I was trained that it wasn’t my place to complain about what I was given. As a result, speaking up honestly is probably one of the things I have the most trouble with on a daily basis. Especially when complaining seems pointless anyway because it’s something that can’t be fixed.
Following rules is fairly easy, talking about feelings not so much. And maybe it’s easier to snap “Stop neglecting me!” when your Dominant person gets distracted by a new toy, or a video game, or a tv show and just forgets to give you attention. Doms are human; they have the same issues everyone else does with getting too involved in something and forgetting to take care of other matters.
Sometimes they need a nudge, a reminder, that they have a sub who needs time—and it’s perfectly okay for you to speak up and say so. In fact, it’s necessary, even if you have to force yourself. A Top isn’t a mind-reader, especially if they are distracted. You have to be able to ask for what you need sometimes.
However, it’s considerably harder to let them know you feel lost when it’s not their fault, especially when there’s not much they can do to fix it. When life interferes and presents you with a situation where you aren’t getting enough time with them, but you’re getting all they have…it can lead you to just keep quiet about it. Submissives rarely want to make their Doms feel guilty. I mean feeling guilt is our job, right?
So, if they can’t fix it, and knowing you are miserable will just make them feel bad, then how do you address the situation? You start to feel like you are trying to protect your Dom by keeping all the sadness inside. You’re not being honest but it’s for their own good so it’s okay. I find myself in this place a lot lately.
But it’s not really okay. You can’t just sit there unhappy while the relationship frays. Well, you can, but it’s a really bad idea and if you value your relationship it’s not something you can avoid discussing forever. In our case there were severe health issues involved and while they are improving now, it’s been quite a while since I felt like I had enough time and attention, so it really needed to be discussed. But every time I would work up the courage to bring it up, life would dump more issues on us.
Currently we, as a world, are in crisis. We’re experiencing something that none of us are prepared for. No one currently alive can ever remember a similar situation. Those few who were around during the time of the Spanish Flu in 1918 were too young then to really remember it, so this is unprecedented. Depression is high. People are despondent and therefore have trouble even taking care of themselves, let alone someone else. Emotionally this is a dangerous time for everyone.
And while some are getting a lot more time at home it’s not exactly a worry-free vacation, is it? You might be stuck in your house but relaxing is uh, well, almost impossible right now. The urge to isolate is pretty high for everyone, and that’s going to include Tops/Doms, especially because with the stress comes fraying moods.
They don’t want to snap and take it out on the people they protect. So even if they are home more that doesn’t mean you’re going to get more from them, it’s probably going to be the opposite. It has been for me.
So, there’s a lot going on there for everyone, but you can’t just ignore it. It won’t help. It won’t magically get better, but of course, there is a fine line between being honest with your needs, and dumping additional stress onto the person you love. If you know that it’s really something that can’t be helped, then you want to approach it when you’re calm and both of you are in a good place.
I find, as a sub, that when I’ve been pushing things down for a while, they tend to explode out of me, and that’s not something you want to do in a situation like this.
Again, it’s one thing if your Dom is neglecting you because they’ve gotten distracted. In that case sometimes a little anger is necessary to shake things up and make them understand there is a problem. And you are justified in being angry in that situation. But let’s assume this is a no-fault situation. Life has interfered and you want to try to avoid an explosion that will just make everyone more unhappy.
Don’t come at the conversation from a resentful place it won’t help and will put your Dominant on the defensive. They know they are supposed to look after you, they know what they signed on for, and they also know that they haven’t been able to do it. It’s a rough place to be in on both sides and tempers can get caustic.
Let them know you understand why it’s happening, that you’re not blaming them. Then explain how you feel and that you’d like to work on some things to help the situation. Hopefully if you approach it the right way there will be no need for guilt or defensive reactions on either side and you’ll be able to discuss everything calmly.
A submissive’s main needs tend to revolve around knowing they are loved and cared for, and that they are still responsible for following their rules even though things have been hard. When a sub feels like no one is paying attention, the rules tend to drop, the attitude rises, and there’s a lot of “Fuck it, I’m not going to bother.” that starts to build up.
Since we’re assuming time and energy are the main problems here, you want to come up with very quick things that can reinforce the love, care, and the knowledge that someone is still watching—even though it might not be as much as either would like. In part two I’m going to start by listing and discussing some basic things that work for any relationship. There will be things on it that are good for long distance as well as couples who live together.
With the Corona Virus and everyone on lockdown any couple who doesn’t live together is basically having a long-distance relationship right now even if you live just across town. And for some who don’t live together but are used to seeing each other frequently in person, I imagine part of the immediate strain is having to get used to not being able to get the face-to-face time–or hand-to-butt time?
(I am assuming you guys are all taking this seriously and keeping your distance.)
Whether you are together physically or not there are certain basics in a D/s relationship that need to be covered. Submissives only run on auto pilot for a certain amount of time and then they start to flounder. If these things have stopped for whatever reason, it’s time to revive them. So, I’m going to wrap this up here with a suggestion that if this is something your relationship is going through right now, start by looking at what has been dropped or changed.
See if there are things that can be adapted to a situation where there is less time together. If you never expected to be in a long-distance relationship you probably haven’t prepared and may not realize how many things can be done while apart. It may not be quite as good as being together in person but it’s a long way better than nothing. I highly suggest you check out the Long Distance D/s series for more ideas.
Then try to figure out if there are things that have been dropped because of apathy on your side, that you need to start working on again. Regardless of what the problem is, relationships take work from all partners. A neglected sub will often stop caring about following the rules and give up. An overwhelmed Dom may see things sliding but just be unable to gather the energy to deal with it so they ignore it.
These things lead to a feeling of failure on both sides. So, before you even get to the point of trying to make new plans, or pulling this all out for a deep discussion, try…just resuming what you can. If you’ve been ignoring rules, then start working on them again. Maybe just a few at first to get used to it.
If you’ve seen your sub has been slacking let the past go for right now and make an attempt to pick up the reins a little better going forward. Don’t worry about catching up on everything that has been neglected yet, just work on now. If you can manage some slight improvement then when you go into the conversation and start pulling apart the problems you will both already be in a better place to discuss it.
Don’t mistake this band-aid as a fix for everything. You definitely still need to talk about what is going on. You obviously still need to come up with solutions. You will also need to deal with the broken rules and owed punishments eventually.
Those things don’t just vanish, and it’s a mistake to wipe the slate clean without dealing with them. You will both likely need the catharsis before things can truly move on.
Next week we’ll see if we can come up with a specific list of things that might help when time and energy are low. Stay safe, stay healthy, stay inside if you are able.