What Is Something Every New Submissive Exploring a Kinky Lifestyle Needs to Know?

Someone asked me this question a while back and I made a note of it (as I do) for the blog. When people ask me things it generally means other people are out there with the same questions. I figure that makes it good content to write about.

So, if there was just one thing I could tell a brand-new subby who is just starting to dip their toes in the kink pool, it would be this:

Don’t settle. Don’t rush. Don’t let loneliness, or need, push you into accepting the first Top/Dom who looks interested. Don’t let your inner bully tell you that you can’t do better and that if you don’t snatch them up you’ll never find someone.

You’re not ugly, stupid, needy, weird, a freak, unloveable—or any of the other labels we put on ourselves when we get scared about not finding our Dominant match. These labels are why submissives ignore red flags and warning signs and jump into relationships with people who don’t deserve to have that kind of power over anyone.

Abusers are attracted to the BDSM lifestyle. I don’t think anyone can deny that.

It’s not because consensual kink is abuse. Even risky scenes are not abuse as long as there is Risk Aware Consensual Kink happening.

It’s because abusers can smell opportunity and they seek power over others. The idea of a person willingly giving up their power, submitting to their authority and obeying—that’s incredibly enticing to someone who enjoys lording it over others.

They aren’t Doms or Tops or Daddies or Mistresses. They might call themselves by those titles, but they are just bullies who are acting out a role to get what they want. What they want is to control other people because it makes them feel big, but they aren’t willing to do any of the work that comes with being in charge.

They don’t want the necessary responsibilities that comes with the role.

So no, the kink community, at its core, is a loving, welcoming, and fairly safe place to be. There are plenty of educational opportunities and safety guidelines to make sure that stays true—but it only works if you follow them.

There are people out there who put up a show of following the rules. They act like they know what they are doing, when they don’t. They act like caring Dominants, but they aren’t. They are abusers who put on the mask of a Dom to reel in inexperienced subbies.

After a while the mask starts to slip but often by then it’s too late. Once you’re in a relationship with an abuser who is pretending to be a Dom, it can be hard to back out. You’ve given them power over you and taking power back is never easy.

A big part of being submissive is needing to please. And some people are submissive, not just in role, but also in personality. These people are especially prone to ending up in dangerous relationships because they often don’t develop good boundaries and limits when they are younger.

People with submissive personalities may not be into BDSM or kink. This is a separate thing entirely from the lifestyle. They will most likely still be drawn to dominant people in general, because they look for someone to lead the way, but it’s not necessarily connected with a need to explore kink or a desire for discipline.

They can still end up in an abusive relationship. It may not be kink based, or one that is masked as a BDSM lifestyle though. People who are naturally submissive in temperament can end up with a nurturing caretaker type of partner or… one who takes advantage of their inability to say no easily but either way the relationship can be perfectly vanilla.

We’re going to focus on those people who are subby down to the bone. The ones who not only choose to submit, but are also made that way in general, can be destroyed by the wrong Dominant.

People who desire to please above all else, pick up unfortunate habits long before they are old enough to think about sexuality or kinky needs.

Sometimes they are the responsible child who never worries their parents and always obeys their teachers. They learn early that not having needs earns them praise. They are the good kid who isn’t any trouble, and they thrive on being the one the adults can depend on.

Sometimes they aren’t the ‘good kid’ at all. They are ‘difficult’ because they learn early that the well-behaved kids end up being ignored. The quiet ones are often overlooked, especially if they have siblings that need more effort from parents.

Either way they learn that needing anything is inconvenient and troublesome. Demanding attention makes people angry. So if they want to please people they have to repress everything.

It’s not healthy or reasonable to expect this from a child—or from an adult, but that doesn’t matter because the lesson sinks in and it’s hard to unlearn.

Then when they hit their teen years and puberty shows up they connect that desire to please with romance. That turns into an interest in kink, and they learn that being a submissive is a perfectly acceptable role in the lifestyle.

Yay! They’ve come home finally and found a place where their natural inclinations are normal and even desired. The structure of a kinky lifestyle is perfect for them. There’s always an authority figure to encourage and praise them.

But that acceptance, and desire by Dominant folk reinforces what they learned in childhood. Not having needs is a good thing! Pleasing an authority figure is important. Being the dependable one who brings joy and no problems means you’re favored.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with… some of that.

If you have a good Dominant they will work with you on building up limits and self-esteem. They will encourage you to learn to say no and use safewords. They will try to convince you that you are worthy and desirable for who you are— and not because you won’t admit to needs for fear of being a burden.

If you end up with a fake Dom, a wannabe, an abuser… then you’re in trouble. Because they can be very good at reinforcing all the wrong things until you don’t have the self-esteem left to leave them.

For people who are submissive beyond just taking the role during play, it can crush you. When, and if, you do finally leave them, you might be so damaged and broken that you’re locked into a cycle.

You think you can’t cope on your own. You believe you’re nothing without a Top telling you what to do. You are desperate for someone to take control … so you take on the first Dominant that shows interest. And quite likely they will be another abuser because they can sense vulnerability.

The circle just keeps going around and each time you’re more hurt, more desperate, and more willing to ignore the warning signs.

But getting snared by an abuser isn’t the only reason to be careful and take the time to be sure. You can stumble over a perfectly good, experienced Dom and still make a mistake by rushing in. Just because someone is good at being a Dom and kind and caring, doesn’t mean they will be good for you.

A healthy balanced D/s relationship requires more than just good people. It needs chemistry. It needs communication and understanding. For most people you need to have things in common outside of D/s and kink if you want things to last in a real committed relationship.

One thing that has become very clear to me in the past five years is that your morals and belief systems also need to match to a certain extent. You don’t have to believe in all the same things, but you do need for your ideologies to at least be copacetic. I saw so many relationships fall apart in recent times from hardcore differences in basic principles.

That doesn’t mean you can’t get to know each other quickly. We live in an online world now, and most people can tell you of lasting friendships and relationships that started online, got intense fast, and lasted. So, I’m not going to tell you that you need to know someone for at least ‘x number of months’ before committing.

I am going to tell you that a committed D/s relationship is at least as serious as a committed romance. Wearing someone’s collar, to me, is about where an engagement ring would be on a romantic scale. Before you consider yourself collared, you should know the Dom at least as well as you would know someone before wearing their engagement ring.

I’m not talking about wearing a collar in a scene, or for club gear. This isn’t so much about a physical item. I’m talking about the heavier meaning of being OWNED. Being COLLARED.

There’s a reason some kinky people hold commitment ceremonies when they are ready to formally commit to each other as Dom and sub. It really is somewhat similar to a marriage. Yes, it’s true that breaking up from a D/s relationship is simple legally, and you don’t have all the paperwork entanglements that marriage brings.

But emotionally? It’s a whole different story.

It’s a big step. There’s an intenseness to it that changes everything for a submissive. And if you start thinking of yourself as owned, but you’re with the wrong Dom, the fall-out from it can be terribly destructive. Yet I’ve seen submissives claim to be owned and collared to people they met only a few days before.

So, if I could tell a new submissive one thing, and have them really, truly listen to me, I would say to wait and be sure before committing. Explore, play as much as you want. Go to munches and make friends. Find some reliable play partners that you can trust.

And hey… I’m addressing this to new subs, but let’s be honest there are plenty of experienced submissives who could use this reminder too… right? Being in the lifestyle for a while doesn’t make you immune to the pressure and need to be dominated.

And when you meet a Dom you think is right for you… enjoy the happy floaty feeling of being with them. Have fun! But… don’t rush into anything serious.

Get to know them well before you agree to be theirs. When it comes to committing, to wearing someone’s collar, to being owned… just wait and make sure they are the right person for you. Make sure they are the healthy choice.

It’s okay if they are inexperienced too, we’re all new at some point. You can both learn together and there’s nothing wrong with that. You just want to make sure they are open to learning and are interested in you for the right reasons.

Someone who wants to be a Dom because of the lure of power and ego stroking isn’t what you want or need. They just don’t always tell you that’s what they are looking for upfront. Often they know the right things to say to convince you they are sincere.

Only by waiting and getting to know them well are you going to be able to see past that and find out who they really are. And I know it’s hard. As someone who needs a Dominant influence in my life and doesn’t function well without one, unless I shut off my submissive side entirely, I have felt that pressure to find someone fast.

I can also tell you that almost every time I gave into it and let things proceed too quickly… I ended up regretting it. Not in every case, sometimes chemistry is magic and things do work out—but in most cases it was a mistake.

If the relationship is meant to be, if they are a Dom worth waiting for, then taking it slow will only make things better. Hold yourself back.

And if they push? Well, a Dom who pushes to get things moving immediately sets off my warning bells, and it should set off yours too.

I specifically narrowed my focus to people who are submissive all the time, because those who enjoy submitting in bed, or during a scene tend to have better boundaries and are more in control of their limits.  Being submissive by nature is what causes a lot of the frenzied need to be controlled.

That doesn’t mean casual players of bedroom submissive don’t end up in unhealthy relationships and they certainly can jump into relationships too soon, as anyone can. But the overwhelming urge to rush things isn’t usually an issue for them.

I’ll wrap this up here, but I’m thinking of doing a detailed ‘advice for new subbies’ list at some point so we might cover this topic again.

If you have questions you’d like to ask me, or ideas for future writing feel free to comment or email me privately. I’m always happy to listen. And if you emailed me and didn’t get a response please try again. Sometimes when I try to reply the address bounces for some reason. I think it gets garbled but it’s usually fine if you try again.