Is Withholding Affection As Punishment Abuse?

I want to start off by reminding you of something. A punishment (or any activity really) may be a limit for you. It might upset you to even think about someone receiving this punishment, because it triggers you. But that doesn’t mean the punishment itself is abusive or wrong.

Every relationship is different because people are different and what they can tolerate varies. So, punishments cannot be the same across the board. I know people who love to be spanked, but will not accept it as punishment.

I mean spanking is pretty much the most standard basic punishment you can think of in a D/s relationship… but for some people it’s a limit. Why? Well, in one case I know it’s because she loves spanking and doesn’t ever want it to be tainted with any negative feelings. It’s arousing and she wants it to stay that way.

Read more: Is Withholding Affection As Punishment Abuse?

She won’t even do spanking as funishment, or roleplay pretend she did something wrong to earn it. But she absolutely loves the physical act of being spanked, and she’ll play for hours. She probably has one of the highest pain tolerances I’ve ever seen, but if you told her she was getting spanked because she did something wrong, she would immediately safeword.

I’ve seen her do it at play parties, when people even joked about it being punishment.

Likewise I know people who have limits around just about every punishment you could think of. Some people won’t do lines, because of arthritis or carpal tunnel. Others won’t do corner time because it makes them feel isolated and scared.

So, no punishment (within certain obvious limits) is wrong or bad, but there might be punishments that are wrong or bad for you. And I know that when there is something that feels like abuse to you, it is natural you would feel like doing that to anyone would be abuse too. But that’s coming from your own emotions and baggage.

It doesn’t accurately reflect how these things work.

Case in point. In my books I often write long spanking scenes, with hundreds of swats and multiple implements. I do this… because that’s my experience. Whether playing or punishment, I’ve done many long scenes.

People who aren’t very experienced in kink can sometimes read these scenes and be horrified. I remember once an editor I was working with, was concerned that a character received upwards of a hundred smacks during a punishment in one of my books. She was worried about what readers would think, because it just sounded like a lot to her.

For people who are new to exploring that would be a heck of a lot for a punishment, sure. And every person has their own tolerances. I’ve seen people crying after ten-to-twenty swats that weren’t especially hard, because they weren’t used to it, or had a low pain tolerance.

But many people, who have been playing for years, wouldn’t even consider twenty swats a real spanking. It’s more of a warmup in their eyes.

Now, when I write about an inexperienced character, I do try to keep that in mind. But even writing what I would consider a mild spanking (slow, lots of build-up, some rubbing, mostly with the hand and limiting any harder implements to just a few at the end) I’ve had people complain.

These are generally people who haven’t actually played in real life much, if at all. They live vicariously through the stories they read. Some of them want long and severe to fantasize about, but others don’t, because they are thinking about what they could handle.

There is a large audience of readers who started their kink journey by seeing Ana call Christian a monster for hitting her with a belt around nine times. It’s stuck in their head that those nine strokes were severe, maybe even too much. Everyone I know who is experienced and read that scene… laughed.

A lot.

Maybe that’s not fair, because Ana was brand new to all of this, and she’d never even wanted it really. Maybe that nine did feel like abuse to her.

See, and that’s the whole point here. Nine with a leather belt is laughable to me, but to her (and some readers) it felt like too much. When we look at what other couples do in their dynamics, we have to remember not to judge them through our own lenses.

So, is withholding affection abuse?

That’s a question that only you and the people you play with can answer. It certainly can be, and I’ve had experiences where I felt I was being emotionally damaged by affection being taken away. I’m going to be writing more about that soon, because it connects to a different topic I have in mind. For now, I think the example would just make this article unnecessarily complicated.

The important takeaway here is that you need to decide what is abuse for you, and not for other people. And it doesn’t matter if thousands of subs/Littles/brats accept something as a punishment without an issue… if it’s wrong for you, then it’s wrong, and you need to communicate that to your partner.

My personal opinion, is that some types of submissive handle withheld affection better than others.

When I was in my brat stage, I tended to deal with loss of affection by mimicking that coldness and getting an attitude, so it didn’t really bother me. As a slave it bothered me a lot, too much. Slaves are typically much more dependent on their Master and as a result the coldness can be scary.

Littles are another type that are prone to not handling the loss of affection well, in any circumstance, but especially punishment. The childlike headspace makes them vulnerable. So, it’s not something I would generally choose to use with a Little, unless it had been discussed first.

Does that mean it’s abusive to use it on a Little? Even Littles are individual people. While the majority may not deal well with it, there are plenty of Littles who are more independent and for them it wouldn’t be much worse than any other punishment.

But, any time you are punishing someone, you should always be watching them, to see how they are reacting to the punishment. With a type of sub who is more prone to handle this badly, I would give extra care. Keep an eye on their mood, on their reactions, and note if the punishment helps or makes things worse.

There are a lot of reasons to use punishment, but the main one is to improve behavior, if only temporarily. If what you’re doing is making them act out, shut down, or get emotional, then it’s not doing the job it’s supposed to do anyway.

As always, communication is important. Things do happen and come up suddenly, but if you don’t want to find out, in the middle of things, that a punishment is the absolute wrong one to use on a submissive, then discussion in advance is always a great idea.

Take the time, when no one is in trouble, and everyone is in a good headspace, to talk about what punishments have been used in the past. Discuss what worked and what didn’t. What things are limits or could potentially become a limit. (And while it’s essential in the beginning of a relationship, it’s always a good idea to have the discussion periodically throughout the time you’re together.)

Punishment is very emotional for most subs, and it can be intense. Having a clearer picture of what will happen when it becomes necessary, will help both of you.

And for those of you on the bottom… if you’ve had a bad reaction to a specific activity in the past, punishment or not, don’t keep that to yourself. It should come up in the very first relationship conversations you have.

Your Dominant is not a mindreader and what they don’t know can hurt both of you. It’s not just about hard limits either. If there are things that you can handle, but make you shaky—tell them. If there are things that make you shut down sometimes, but not others—tell them.

If your Dom has threatened you with punishments that you secretly find enjoyable—well… okay, that one is up to you. If they’re doing their job and watching it’s going to become clear, very quickly, that you’re having a good time, so that’s on them.

I might just be kidding about that… or not.

Anyway, I’ll see you soon with: When Boundaries and Limits Conflict, which should be the next article on the schedule.