- This post is the fourth of a series. If you haven’t already read the others you should start here:
- Part 2
- Part 2.5 (story)
- Part 3
After a series of fairly long and intensive posts about managing a D/s relationship from a distance I imagine you’ll be pleased with a short one just to wrap things up.
You’ve learned about the important stuff to keep your relationship moving smoothly. We’ve discussed how to manage punishments and rewards from a distance too and there was probably a lot there to take in.
I think it’s really important for people to have a resource that doesn’t focus on sexual D/s only. One that doesn’t assume every D/s relationship is a romantic one, because I know how frustrating it is to comb the web looking for help and not find anything that even remotely matches your situation.
Up until fairly recently that was the situation for littles and people into ageplay too. There’s been a real boom for them ever since the Daddy/lg thing became so popular, but still most of the articles and posts available focus on sexual aspects and that doesn’t fit everyone. There are also many people with Daddy type Doms where sex isn’t the main focus, sometimes it’s not even in the picture and I feel like some balance is needed.
My novels are romance and they tend to feature male Doms and female submissives, at least as the main characters, but here on the blog I try to be inclusive of everyone and all the various dynamics that exist, because I know how important it is to know you’re not alone—that you’re not a weirdo because of the things you’re into.
As long as you are consenting adults using a reasonable amount of safety precautions in your activities no one should ever have to feel ashamed about their kink. (Unless you have a shame kink—in which case, go ahead and enjoy.)
What I’d like to leave you with is a few warnings, and I think they are really important. Long distance relationships are real relationships. They are just as real as if you lived in the same city, the same neighborhood, the same house even and as the world shrinks (figuratively) they become more and more common. People don’t even blink anymore when you say you met your partner online.
So, if you want your long-distance relationship to work out you have to treat it like it’s real, and not just a hobby to keep you amused when you’re home at night and bored. This is especially true of a D/s relationship. Always make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If this is just a fling for you until you find something local, or you’re not in it for the long haul, then make sure your partner knows that. Don’t pretend.
I know so many submissives who have been crushed by a Dominant they met online who assured them that they were serious and then ghosted, or just lost interest. I’ve been through it myself. A couple of my books were inspired by the intense heartache I felt when I was suddenly dumped after eight months by someone who assured me that they were happy with the relationship and I was important to them. Everything they told me was lies. I ignored the warning signs and I was destroyed for a long time afterwards.
My current Doms are still dealing with the emotional baggage from this and other mistakes I’ve made because I trusted too easily and believed what I was told. I’m long since recovered from that pain but the learned responses take longer.
Messing with someone’s head like that is irresponsible; it’s abuse, and unfortunately, it’s easier to do online. Be honest and upfront about your intentions and if things change, which does happen, make sure you keep your partner updated on those changes. You will hurt them a lot less that way, trust me.
When you are the Dominant in the relationship lying because “I’m a people pleaser and I wanted to make you happy.” Is not an excuse. You are the one steering the ship. Don’t take on the responsibility unless you are sure you can handle it.
Put the time in, put the effort in, and you end up with a steady and stable relationship that will keep everyone happy. Plan visits if it’s feasible, as often as you can and each one will be like a honeymoon reinvigorating your relationship. If it’s not possible, and sometimes it isn’t for many reasons, then find other ways to keep the magic alive, because I’m warning you if you don’t the distance between you will be the least of your problems.
When you promise a punishment, a reward, a date night—make sure it happens and even from a distance your D/s relationship will thrive. Every time a threat or promise is made lightly and then forgotten it will chip away at the foundation that you’re trying to build—leaving doubts and fear.
In a submissive those negative emotions almost always lead to misbehavior as they search for stable footing. There will be fights and arguments, petulance and tantrums and only part of it will be the submissive’s fault. On some level they will know that, which will make punishment for the behavior fail to ring true and it won’t be effective. It will feel unfair, even if they can’t articulate it and it might strain the relationship even more and lock you into a cycle of continued bad behavior to be punished.
For submissives, talking about your wants and needs is one of the hardest things you can do; try anyway. Try really hard to let your Dominant know when something is wrong. Even if you can’t pinpoint what it is, sometimes just letting them know will help to open things up so you can explore together.
If I could go back in time to tell my new inexperienced subby-self one thing it would be that needing things is okay. Needing things doesn’t make you a bad sub and asking for things isn’t wrong. All your Dom can do is say no and if they dump you for being too ‘needy’ then they weren’t the right one for you anyway.
I can tell you right now that L and G are the most open and accepting Doms I’ve ever had in my life. The amount of angst I go through trying to work up the courage to say, “I need…” is ridiculous when the answer has never been anything but “Let’s see how we can make this work.” But… baggage.
The less baggage you accumulate the easier your future relationships will be, so take the words that I was never given: You are allowed to need attention, love, spanking, special words—all of it. I promise.
I hope people find this useful. As you can see it was an intense subject for me to cover and I really put all of my heart into it, along with a good dose of experience as someone who has been doing this for a long time.
8 Replies to “Blog Post: Long Distance D/s series Part 4–The Wrap-up”
Great post 😊
Reread this post; thank you for a phenomenal series, am putting all entries in my NOTES. Invaluable insights and info.
I’m really grateful that you put your thoughts out there. It’s helping me and my Dom a lot since we’ve apart a lot of the times, especially now with the lockdowns, Thank you so much!
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I’m so glad it’s helping!
Having only ever been a Dom in person this is a massive help as I set out on a long distance relationship under lock down! It’s fantastic to read it from the subby side as well as it gives a great insight into how the other person can be made to feel despite the awkwardness of distance and impersonality of a phone or video call.
I’m so glad you found it helpful! I think lockdown has pushed quite a few people into this situation unfortunately.
I’ve just got into a long-distance D/s relationship and we are finding it hard but unlike most we still haven’t actually been able to meet but we’ve been talking as friends daily for just over 6 months now (the entire time was not allowed for non residents to enter the country because of covid) and just as of 4 weeks now I’ve been his sub and we are finding everything to be hard except for messaging for hours on end daily. And I’m not into online play or really spanking and the kind of flogging I do like I’ve tried but can’t do on my own. I would love any advice.
I find directed spanking and such to be better for punishment personally, then for enjoyment. There is that embarrassed vibe that suits punishment, but makes it hard to relax for fun. So for me it’s mostly used in that way and it doesn’t matter what I’m ‘into’ since it’s not supposed to be enjoyed anyway. I love flogging for fun stuff but don’t get much out of it when directed for the same reason.
When you say you’re not into online play do you mean you don’t get anything from like text scenes? Like roleplaying together? That kind of thing is really about the mental images and can be hard to get into at first, but if you can get your headspace right it makes a big different. But if you don’t like that I would focus more on directed things. You could try some sensation stuff that you can do directed. Ice, wax, nipple clamps, butt plugs that sort of thing. Remember that long distance scenes need a lot of the mental aspects to work. It’s going to be important to build up to things with the mental games.
Something like him leaving you a voicemail with instructions to do a specific series of tasks perhaps. They don’t have to be only BDSM/D/s tasks either. The submission part is that you are obeying him, but they can definitely include things like kneeling or using a buttplug while you do your daily chores. In some ways dominating from a distance takes more creativity. You may need to explore to see what works for you. I hope that helps a little.