THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 1/2

(Note: I had intended for this to be one piece, but it’s a difficult issue and it’s gone much longer than I had planned. So I’m breaking it in half and Part One and Part Two will be posted in consecutive weeks.)

Saying no is an important part of setting personal boundaries, and as we all know, boundaries and limits are essential for a healthy life, and not just in the Scene. It’s a skill that you will need in all aspects of your life.

But many of us with submissive personalities have trouble with this. It runs contrary to our basic nature. While it’s natural for most people to decline things they don’t want to do… for submissives it’s a whole different level of difficulty.

Read more: THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO 1/2

Saying no to a dominant person (whether or not they are a Dom in the Scene) can be one of the hardest things to navigate, but even saying no to friends, family, or coworkers can be difficult. There are no easy answers to the problem, when you are fighting against your inclination to give in and agree to their demands.

It takes a lot of time and work to find that place inside of you that can stand up and say ‘No’ without cringing. To make it worse, when the people around you know how hard it is for you to refuse them… they will take advantage of it. Even when you try to say no, they will simply keep pushing, because they know eventually you’ll break down.

This is compounded when someone who is always submissive, enters the Scene in the submissive role.

Now, not only is their personality telling them to give in, to do what will please others, but everyone around them is saying the same thing. In the BDSM world submissives are supposed to do what they are told. They are supposed to obey, right?

Doms will tell you that. Other subs will tell you that. It’s literally built into your scene role as a requirement… but the truth is a lot more complicated.

Submissives in the D/s scene are supposed to submit… when they choose to submit, to whom they choose to submit to. You’re not a better submissive when you let everyone tell you what to do—in fact, the opposite can be true, especially when it leads you into bad situations.

So, let’s look at some practical skills that might help you get better at saying no. I’m going to break this into two parts. The second part is going to be more based around using BDSM connections to help, but the first part is some basic tools that you can use in all aspects of your life.

Part One—Learning to say no.

1. Don’t immediately answer when someone asks you for something you don’t want to do. Tell them you have to think about it, or that you have to check first. This delays giving them an answer so you can distance yourself a bit, so you can consider the consequences of saying yes.

They may also forget they asked and never come back for an answer.

“I was just on my way to the bathroom, sorry,” is a great way to avoid answering in person and give yourself a couple of minutes. And no one is really going to question it. It’s even easier online or in text. “I’ll have to get back to you,” is a totally fine answer. When or if you get back to them is up to you.

2. Stop explaining yourself. If you give them reasons for the ‘no’ then they will try to find solutions for each reason, and you’ll keep going around and around. They don’t understand that the real reason is ‘no’ and you just don’t want to say it, so instead they try to ‘help’ by solving the problems you list. That’s counterproductive and frustrating for you, obviously, so don’t fall into that cycle.

“Sorry, I can’t,” or “Oh, that sounds fun, but I’m afraid I’m not able to do that right now,” Is all the answer you need to give—even to a dominant person.

3. Remember your priorities. Your mental health and well-being should be your first concern in all situations. That means remembering to put yourself first. If the request is going to overwhelm you or make you unhappy, then you’re not taking care of yourself if you agree.

And if you aren’t a good enough reason to say no, then think about the important people in your life. We’ll get into this more in the other part, but there’s a reason that airlines will tell you to put your own mask on before helping others. Consider the people who depend on you before you deplete yourself.

Your ability to take care of others (Family, friends, etc.) and your ability to please the important people in your life (including kink partners) hinges on you having the time and energy to be there for them. If you’re constantly overloading yourself by saying yes to everyone, you’re going to let the people who matter most down and probably at the worst time.

So, when you have trouble saying no to new responsibilities or tasks, remember what your priorities are and how saying yes might affect you, and those other important things in your life.

4. Practice saying no. And I mean this literally. Stand in front of a mirror if you have to. Roleplay different situations in which you might be asked to do things, and then say no.

The reverse can help too. When you’re with someone who has just asked you to do something you don’t want to do… pretend you’re just standing in front of the mirror, talking to yourself, and say “No,” firmly.

5. Teach someone else. I know, this one sounds out there… but you never thoroughly learn how to do something, until you teach someone else to do it. If you have kids, then you have the ideal lesson to give them.

If you have a friend who also struggles to say no… tell them the things you wish you could remember, because once it comes out of your mouth… all nice and logical, it’s harder for you to forget.

These are all commonsense things that therapy would teach you. And of course, therapy is also a good place to learn these things and practice them, if that’s an option for you.

These tips work for any people pleaser, but obviously they aren’t the focus of this blog, so let’s bring in the BDSM world for Part Two. While being a BDSM submissive does make saying no even harder at times… sometimes being part of that world can actually give you resources to lean on.

So, join me back here next week for THE DIFFICULT JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO. 2/2: Letting your submissive side help.